You are about to destroy your marraige

If you do not discuss this with your wife she will NEVER trust you again.
This is her baby, her little girl, her perfect little angel.
Yeah, I know, all a crock, but the key issue is that by being a step father you are GRANTED certain rights and priviledges in dealing with HER children.
If you know something so important that it requires medical treatment, and is behaviour based, which means you will need to deal with it in the future, and you do no tell her, this means you are removing her ability to save her little girl.

You are in the really crappy position of having to declare an allegiance that will possibly burn down a bridge.

Sorry.

Tell the wife.

Her trust in you is more important than her daughter's trust in you. You gotta figure if you piss off the daghter so bad by telling the wife that she makes your life hell, you know it will only be a few years before she's out of the house. On the other hand, the second your wife does not trust you, divorce or suicide look like decent alternatives.

I didn't say anything about telling your wife. I agree with Barry, although he is a bit extreme in presentation ;-).

You and wife are to be considered one unit. That is what marriage is all about. No, she is not going to like hearing the truth and hopefully, she won't shoot the messenger. But you are just that, the messenger, not the perpetrator.

By leveling with her about what is going on, you are 1)bolstering the trust factor with her and 2) showing her that you care about her kid. I don't think any rational mother would be upset about her husband demonstrating such noble causes.

I know that if something like this were going on, I would want to know about it and I'd rather hear it from my husband than through the grapevine. The focus is about the kid, not mom.

Hopefully, she won't freak out, but with some coaching on your part (i.e., telling her that you told daughter to talk to mom), she will be patient and allow this thing to follow its natural course. Above all things,
think positive! A good attitude about the whole mess sets the tone for actions.

If everybody is panicking, it will only be a traumatic experience for all concerned. If yall can keep cool and unemotional, then logic will prevail and lessons will be learned.

Just remember to act like a cop. They state the facts, treat you with respect (more often than not) and give a just punishment to the offense. If you can do that, then all of you will emerge from this with a deeper respect for each other and even a new level of communication where none existed previously.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

Peace,
Amy

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