A bear walks into a bar ...

... and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve animals here."

The bear says, "I'm not just any animal, I'm a bear. And I want a beer, dammit!"

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I still can't serve you."

The bear says, "If you don't serve me a beer right now, I'm going to eat one of your customers!"

The bartender says, "I still can't serve you."

The bear runs to the end of the bar and eats a woman sitting there. He runs back to the bartender and says, "Now give me a beer before I eat someone else!"

The bartender says, "I told you, we don't serve animals here. Especially not ones that do drugs."

"Drugs?" the bear asks. "What are you talking about? I haven't done any drugs."

"Oh yeah?" the bartender says. "What about that bar bitch you ate?"

.....and they are bored as
hell because there are only two customers in the bar tonight.

Trying to make conversation, one of the bartenders says to the
other, "I wasn't originally supposed to be a bartender you know"

"Oh really?" replies the second.

"Oh no, I was supposed to be a psychologist......got myself a degree
and everythin'".

"What is that?" asks the second "psychology I mean"
"Well", replies the first "it works like this. You ask a person questions,
and from the answers they give you.......you deduce certain things about
the person"

"Oh come off it" says the second "thats bullshit".

"Okay " says the first "watch this then".

The bartender meanders down to one end of the bar where one of the
drinkers is sitting.
"Scuse me sir" he says
"What? says the man.
"Can I ask you a few questions"
"I suppose so" he answers.
"I was wondering if you owned a shed?"
"What?"
"Do you own a shed?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well.......if you own a shed.....its reasonable to assume that you
have a garden to put the shed in. Do you have a garden?"
"Why yes I do" says the man
"And if you have a garden....I would say that its very likely that you
have a house"
"Right again" says the man.
"And if you have a house, I would suspect that you are married and have
a wife"
"That's right!" says the man.
"And if you have a wife" says the bartender "you probably get sex on
a frequent basis, don't you?"
"Yes!" replies the man.
"You don't masturbate very often do you?" asks the bartender.
"No hardly at all" says the man, rather proudly.

At this point the bartender swaggers back to the other one with a big
smile on his face. "See how much I managed to learn starting with just
one simple question......that's how psychology works"
"That's $!@%ing brilliant that is!" exclaims the other. "Let me try".

So the second bartender walks down the bar to the other customer.
"Scuse me sir" he says.
"Yes?" says the man.
"Do you own a shed?"
"No" says the man.
The bartender thinks this over for a few seconds then declares
"you must be a real wanker!"

Post #33,720 by drewk 3/28/02 12:56:31 PM Reply	A bear walks into a bar ... ... and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve animals here." The bear says, "I'm not just any animal, I'm a bear. And I want a beer, dammit!" The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I still can't serve you." The bear says, "If you don't serve me a beer right now, I'm going to eat one of your customers!" The bartender says, "I still can't serve you." The bear runs to the end of the bar and eats a woman sitting there. He runs back to the bartender and says, "Now give me a beer before I eat someone else!" The bartender says, "I told you, we don't serve animals here. Especially not ones that do drugs." "Drugs?" the bear asks. "What are you talking about? I haven't done any drugs." "Oh yeah?" the bartender says. "What about that bar bitch you ate?" === I can't be a Democrat because I like to spend the money I make. I can't be a Republican because I like to spend the money I make on drugs and whores.
Post #33,725 by boxley 3/28/02 1:07:05 PM Reply	was she satisfied? TAM ARIS QUAM ARMIPOTENS
Post #33,731 by Silverlock 3/28/02 1:26:58 PM 3/28/02 1:27:57 PM Reply	A termite walks into a bar... And asks, "Is the bartender here"? The best scale for an experimental design is ten millimeters to the centimeter. Edited by Silverlock March 28, 2002, 01:27:57 PM EST Expand All History
Post #33,795 by kmself 3/29/02 3:22:10 AM Reply	An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scottsman, a priest, ... ... a rabbi, and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?" `-- Karsten M. Self [link\|mailto:kmself@ix.netcom.com\|kmself@ix.netcom.com] [link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|[link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/]] What part of "gestalt" don't you understand? Keep software free. Oppose the CBDTPA. Kill S.2048 dead. [link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|[link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|http://www.eff.org/...a_alert.html]]`
Post #33,863 by static 3/30/02 7:01:34 AM Reply	A pair of jumper leads walks into a bar... ... and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Nah - you look like you want to start something". Wade, who couldn't repeat the original version of this he heard. "All around me are nothing but fakes Come with me on the biggest fake of all!"
Post #33,913 by boxley 3/31/02 11:31:26 AM Reply	american translation: jumper cables TAM ARIS QUAM ARMIPOTENS
Post #33,947 by kmself 3/31/02 7:24:37 PM Reply	A three-legged dog walks into a bar... ...and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw". `-- Karsten M. Self [link\|mailto:kmself@ix.netcom.com\|kmself@ix.netcom.com] [link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|[link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/]] What part of "gestalt" don't you understand? Keep software free. Oppose the CBDTPA. Kill S.2048 dead. [link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|[link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|http://www.eff.org/...a_alert.html]]`
Post #34,064 by Meerkat 4/1/02 6:24:57 PM Reply	A horse walks into a bar... ...and the barman says "So, why the long face?" On and on and on and on, and on and on and on goes John.
Post #34,370 by pwhysall 4/4/02 2:08:24 AM Reply	A bear walks into a bar Goes to the bar and says, "I'd like a..." "...beer". The barman says, "Why the big pause?" Peter Shill For Hire [link\|http://www.kuro5hin.org\|There is no K5 Cabal]
Post #34,375 by kmself 4/4/02 4:11:57 AM Reply	A fish swims into a concrete wall... ...and says... Dam! `-- Karsten M. Self [link\|mailto:kmself@ix.netcom.com\|kmself@ix.netcom.com] [link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|[link\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/\|http://kmself.home.netcom.com/]] What part of "gestalt" don't you understand? Keep software free. Oppose the CBDTPA. Kill S.2048 dead. [link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|[link\|http://www.eff.org/alerts/20020322_eff_cbdtpa_alert.html\|http://www.eff.org/...a_alert.html]]`
Post #34,376 by Ashton 4/4/02 4:17:45 AM Reply	A fly hits a windshield.. His buddy says, .. bet ya ain't got the guts to do That again!
Post #34,384 by drewk 4/4/02 9:20:41 AM Reply	And the last thing to go through his mind was ... his ass. === I can't be a Democrat because I like to spend the money I make. I can't be a Republican because I like to spend the money I make on drugs and whores.
Post #34,424 by Ashton 4/4/02 4:07:17 PM Reply	..I ain't {sniff} got no body
Post #34,434 by CRConrad 4/4/02 4:51:10 PM Reply	Two tomatoes are crossing the street... ...when a car comes and runs one of them over. His buddy, who barely got away, says... "Come on, Ketchup, let's go!" Christian R. Conrad Of course, who am I to point fingers? I'm in the "Information Technology" business, prima facia evidence that there's bats in the bell tower. -- [link\|http://z.iwethey.org/forums/render/content/show?contentid=27764\|Andrew Grygus]
Post #34,442 by Ashton 4/4/02 5:31:28 PM Reply	..and some fruit yells, "Imposters! You guys are vegetables"
Post #34,500 by CRConrad 4/5/02 8:14:48 AM Reply	Uuh... The other way around, isn't it? Sorry, if that was the point of the joke, then I didn't get it.
Post #34,544 by Ashton 4/5/02 5:01:57 PM Reply	Hate these explanations.. Uh yes and no - some folk just don't buy their classification as 'fruit'.. so it was That bunch that was Tellin' em whatfer.. (Soon to be released by Aardman Studios, I hope. I NEED another Wallace & Grommit fix soon - can't take much more of Dubya's presss conferences) Obscurantism R'Us AG
Post #34,621 by boxley 4/6/02 11:35:41 PM Reply	yer not racist just anti-semantic! TAM ARIS QUAM ARMIPOTENS
Post #34,623 by Silverlock 4/7/02 12:44:05 AM Reply	An instant classic! Gawd. Laughed my ass off. (I got the time, why not spell it out?) Taiwan is a country. Anyone who says otherwise is a communist.
Post #34,710 by boxley 4/8/02 11:51:05 AM Reply	courtesy John D. McDonald TAM ARIS QUAM ARMIPOTENS
Post #35,332 by mmoffitt 4/13/02 8:13:15 PM Reply	What, exactly, is the difference? Between a veg and a fruit I mean. AND DO NOT TELL ME ONE IS IN A COMA AND ONE IS FROM SAN FRANSICO!
Post #35,341 by Silverlock 4/13/02 10:27:36 PM 4/13/02 10:32:37 PM Reply	Seeds Fruits contain seeds surrounded by nutrients the seeds can use while germinating. Vegetables use other other methods of reproduction. Taiwan is a country. Anyone who says otherwise is a communist. Edited by Silverlock April 13, 2002, 10:32:37 PM EDT Expand All History
Post #35,382 by mmoffitt 4/14/02 5:54:54 PM Reply	What about a Cucumber? Seeds, but not a fruit!
Post #35,383 by Silverlock 4/14/02 6:01:48 PM Reply	Depends on how pedantic you want to get. Layman's terms- Fruit is sweet, veggies are not. Botanical terms- If it has seeds, it's a fruit. Period. [link\|http://www.howstuffworks.com/question143.htm\|[link\|http://www.howstuffworks.com/question143.htm\|http://www.howstuff...stion143.htm]] Don't blame me. I voted with the majority.
Post #35,384 by mmoffitt 4/14/02 6:05:50 PM Reply	Thanks, same answer at askjeeves ;-)
Post #34,528 by a6l6e6x 4/5/02 2:02:13 PM Reply	and got a wolf whistle from the construction workers. (in the days before PC behavior) Alex "Never express yourself more clearly than you think." -- Neils Bohr (1885-1962)
Post #34,099 by Silverlock 4/1/02 11:51:54 PM Reply	A string walks into a bar The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get out" The string leaves and walks down the street and asks a kindly looking lady, "could you please take my end in your hands and then rub your hands together?" The lady (being kindly) says "Of course". The string then asks the kindly lady to tie his end up. The lady (being kindly) says "Of course". The string then walks back into the same bar where the bartender (predictably) says "Didn't I just kick you out of her?" The string says "I'm a frayed knot." The best scale for an experimental design is ten millimeters to the centimeter.
Post #34,100 by wharris2 4/1/02 11:52:07 PM Reply	A man walks into a bar... and knocked himself out. "I didn't know you could drive to Europe." -- An eavesdropper, piping in when he overheard a conversation about someone who had driven to Montreal.
Post #34,309 by Mike 4/3/02 5:17:55 PM Reply	Two bartenders are standing behind the bar .... .....and they are bored as hell because there are only two customers in the bar tonight. Trying to make conversation, one of the bartenders says to the other, "I wasn't originally supposed to be a bartender you know" "Oh really?" replies the second. "Oh no, I was supposed to be a psychologist......got myself a degree and everythin'". "What is that?" asks the second "psychology I mean" "Well", replies the first "it works like this. You ask a person questions, and from the answers they give you.......you deduce certain things about the person" "Oh come off it" says the second "thats bullshit". "Okay " says the first "watch this then". The bartender meanders down to one end of the bar where one of the drinkers is sitting. "Scuse me sir" he says "What? says the man. "Can I ask you a few questions" "I suppose so" he answers. "I was wondering if you owned a shed?" "What?" "Do you own a shed?" "Yes, why?" "Well.......if you own a shed.....its reasonable to assume that you have a garden to put the shed in. Do you have a garden?" "Why yes I do" says the man "And if you have a garden....I would say that its very likely that you have a house" "Right again" says the man. "And if you have a house, I would suspect that you are married and have a wife" "That's right!" says the man. "And if you have a wife" says the bartender "you probably get sex on a frequent basis, don't you?" "Yes!" replies the man. "You don't masturbate very often do you?" asks the bartender. "No hardly at all" says the man, rather proudly. At this point the bartender swaggers back to the other one with a big smile on his face. "See how much I managed to learn starting with just one simple question......that's how psychology works" "That's $!@%ing brilliant that is!" exclaims the other. "Let me try". So the second bartender walks down the bar to the other customer. "Scuse me sir" he says. "Yes?" says the man. "Do you own a shed?" "No" says the man. The bartender thinks this over for a few seconds then declares "you must be a real wanker!" -- William Shatner's Trousers --
Post #34,359 by Silverlock 4/3/02 10:36:53 PM Reply	Two psychologists meet for lunch.. The first psychologist says to the second; I had a fruedian slip this morning while having breakfast with my wife. The second psychologist says; How so? The first says; Well I meant to ask her to pass the butter and what came out was YOU FUCKING BITCH. YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE! (You really have to shout the last line while getting red in the face.) The best scale for an experimental design is ten millimeters to the centimeter.
Post #34,374 by Ashton 4/4/02 3:42:33 AM Reply	..and one says, "you're fine________how am I?'
Post #34,425 by boxley 4/4/02 4:10:19 PM Reply	He replies" must be your turn to pay" TAM ARIS QUAM ARMIPOTENS

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