Yes and No. Last summer was a very, very troubling time for him. I was genuinely worried that he might do this last summer. But then he started counseling and seemed to get a little better. He worked for a client of mine with an office near a small airport. Once I flew in there to work. He lived on a lake about a 15 minute flight from his office and asked if I would fly him over his house during lunch the next time I flew in. I told him I would and then the weather up here got really crummy. I saw him the day before he died and he asked me, "When are you going to fly down here again so we can go up and take a look at my house?" It was snowing that day and I said, "We gotta get some good weather. I'm not going to fly in this shit." He just kind of chuckled and said okay. Today is the first beautiful day we've had since then. Visibility > 10, ceiling unlimited, winds light and variable. Just got me thinking, "Damn it. If this hadn't have happened, I could have flown down there today."

This hit me especially hard because 14 years ago I lost my only sibling the same way. He was 25 and I also saw him the day before he shot himself. He never saw my kids. I think it was Ben who said that "it doesn't go away" and he's right on the mark. I also think that people who have been struggling with this kind of depression begin to show outward signs that they are better - after they've made the decision to commit suicide. It's as if they finally see that they can break away from the demons that are haunting them, and the pressure eases up.

I have been deeply depressed at times, even thought about suicide (I think everyone has at some point in their lives). But maybe I'm just too damned stuborn for it. At some basal level I believe I can fix anything, if given enough time. But people who are in enough chaos to do this, I don't understand and hope I never do understand their pain and sense of utter hopelessness.

Thanks again everyone for the kind thoughts and words.

bcnu,
Mikem