I don't think of that as [link|http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grieving|grieving]. But it's hard to generalize. I think it's a very common part of getting old. In my case, it's painful to watch someone slowly lose their ability to do things for themselves and watch them slowly lose their mind.

I guess I called it grieving because I feel a profound sense of loss when mom or Dad aren't capable of certain things and I have to shepherd them through something or handle it for them. It's sort of like a coming to terms with the fact that this is happening, so I guess I sort of classified that as a grief process step. It's not worrying me all the time (24-7) but was brought out more sharply lately by the funeral we dealt with.

However, after I read everyone's responses in here this morning, I did go and talk to my mom today on a personal level about some of this. I found that she's just as scared about how mixed up and rattled and such she is getting. It was a huge relief to both be able to discuss the fears we shared in a rational manner, rather than a defensive one or a hostile one. Instead of being defensive about her odd behavior lately, she was contrite, and explained that she really didn't think she had been being very nice to me lately, but she was feeling bad (physically) and confused (mentally), which was a lot of why.

That alleviated the worry I had that I was the one constantly misfiring in the communication process, and opened up the table for discussion about what we could do to better handle the miscommunications and get things clarified more quickly in order to get on with whatever we were trying to do.

We also both agreed we'd been pulled back into the worrying place of "checking on one another" since the funeral, and released that rule again, putting it back to where we call when we want to, when it's convenient and such, instead of "checking in" by a certain time daily. So the pressure has lessened and the anxiety is being discussed on both sides. Death always brings one's mortality closer to the surface, and in this case it leapt up right out of the water!

I think that caring for an older person is rather like caring for an infant, but in reverse. Rather than them learning more and becoming more independent each day, they forget more and become more dependent over time. If you can't accept that, then you're not the person who should be caring for them.

I agree, and I don't feel capable of being the person to care for them on a day to day basis. I can help, I can drive them places, I can assist with many things, but to have the complete care of them scares the bejeebers out of me. And I think that's what one of my cousins was trying to tell me at the wake, that I had to step up and accept a higher responsibility to my parents because my dad was now the official elder, or head of the family. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I think I get it now. I'm afraid he means I am expected to take my mom or dad in if necessary and care for them like his dad and Aunt took in Jeffie. But I can't do that. I feel ashamed to admit it, but there's no way I could take that sort of stance with my parents, and care for them in my home. We activate one another too much, we're the wrong combination. My brother, my sister, could maybe do it, but me, no way.

In my case, I think that it helped to grow up with an autistic brother. I learned long ago that you can't "will" someone to do something they're not capable of. Spending 5 minutes a day explaining to someone with Alzheimer's that they need to do something a certain way, or drink their water because they're dehydrated, or ..., when they're going to forget it a minute later doesn't help. It only increases your own frustration. You have to make it possible for them to live comfortably in the moment and forget about trying to get them to change - because they can't.

I agree. I'm having to accept the fact that mom "doesn't remember" saying things, or then tells me, "I told you this" and I don't remember hearing it, so I doubt that. I think I need to choose what's important to clarify and what isn't. Instead, until we talked, I've just been reacting to what she says or does. Reacting instead of acting.

Anyway, I don't think it's productive to anticipate how you're going to react if you need to care for your parents more intensively. They'll annoy you and make you want to pull your hair out. It happens to everyone, I think. Just do what you can for them, but no more. Sacrificing your life or health for them doesn't do anyone any good (least of all them).

I agree with that sentiment also, but I think it was very productive, (at least today it was), to go and discuss with mom about her odd behavior (one minute this is important and must be done, next minute she doesn't care about it, as an example), with her. Putting it in front of both of us made us have to examine our actions and reactions, and helped her admit, sorry, I can't keep things straight right now.

Maybe it's permanent, maybe it's due to all the complexity surrounding the family during this loss, but if I embrace the behavior rather than try and change it, if I accept it will most likely be the case, I think I can handle it better than I have been. And it helps to know that she is as confused as I am in some respects, about what she's remembering now or what is important now and isn't.

Thanks Scott, you've really widened a crack for me to put my foot in with the issue, and I did take some major steps to get my foot in that door, and with some measure of success. :)

Brenda