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New I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm scared.
Normalcy?

Several times this year, I've come to a place in my life where I think to myself, "now things can settle down and be normal again."

And of course, every time I've thought it, it's not happened. So I guess I'm getting paranoid about posting anywhere and trying to act like everything is normal, because the minute I believe it might be, I'm afraid it won't be anymore.

And truthfully, it's NOT normal. What's not normal is me, and how I'm feeling lately. For example, lately, I've been feeling alone. ALONE, like no one is here. That's silly of course, John is here, albeit in bed tonight, and I have friends and family, but I am still feeling isolated and alone, for some reason.

Another thing, I've felt like I've been in a hazy daze since the funeral in many respects. I feel like I can't think straight, like nothing is getting accomplished in a timely manner that needs to be, and like talking to mom lately is an exercise in preventing dizziness! I'm not sure what is going on with her and I, but we're both in circles lately with one another, and it's dizzying. Lately she makes no sense to me or me to her, it seems, and we spend half of the time clarifying and explaining what I feel should be obvious to one another. Then by the time we're clarified and explained, we're frustrated and well, done talking, or ready to stop, anyway. It's exhausting.

I was actually sick, I collapsed at church on the 19th, and found out I had bronchitis. I'm sure that was part of the hazy problem, and I was also having severe stress spasms which seems to have stopped now. (I'll be seeing my doctor on the 4th to confirm those things are both better). But I also feel like I'm either trying to race backwards in time to catch up to now, or something equally weird.

I had trouble sleeping for three weeks after the funeral, but mostly that was due to the spasms I was having which finally stopped after a double dose of Xanax (two nights in a row). I didn't tell many people, because I didn't want anyone to worry, but I was getting pretty worried myself.

I'm trying to get ready for Christmas and all it entails, and I have expectations that I think I need to lose if I want to have a good Christmas, because they depend on me and mom doing certain things together, or certain family things happening, and we aren't even caught up with things from three months ago yet. We just finally managed to get her Thank You's written for the 60th Anniversary party, for example!

I've been afraid to post anywhere about this, to state how I feel for fear someone will read it wrong, because I don't really KNOW why I feel so weird and so alone and so hazy about things. I don't know if it's grief, or stress, or the aftermath of the funeral, or what. I know people care about me, but lately I've felt like I haven't mattered very much in many cases, which is silly.

I went through a lot of different things in the last two months, and I'm afraid to talk to mom about some of them, or anyone else, really, because I don't think they would understand it all. I feel grown up and proud on some levels and like a cowering child on others, if that makes any sense. I reconnected with my family, the family I grew up with on some base level that I can't explain, and I can't even figure out how to tell THEM that. But some of me wants to.

I'm not sure what to do, either. If I had a counselor, I'd be asking him. I try to think what my counselor would say, if he were listening, he'd probably tell me I was doing fine, and all this would work itself through, but I don't know. It doesn't feel that way to me, it feels smothering, like I'm overloaded under it all, and can't escape. Not quite like depression, but something close. More like a mental overload?

I tried to call mom to talk tonight, and she first claimed she couldn't hear me, (that has been a thing lately on my phone, but everyone else I talk to hears me fine), and then I asked her if it was a bad time, and she said no, but then when I tried to talk to her she tells me that dad and her are watching a video. "Then tell me it's a bad time, mom!"

I was so frustrated. I got off the phone with her, telling her to watch video with dad, but I told her first that we hadn't talked. She said, what do you mean, I was there all day. Yes, but we haven't really TALKED since the funeral, or ever really since the 60th Anniversary party. All we've done is deal with or do about or react to the events that were happening at the time. We have not talked.

She says we'll talk tomorrow, yeah, sure we will. Lately I can't be on the phone with her without her talking to or calling something out to dad, which is really also frustrating. Maybe I'm not supposed to talk to her about it all, maybe it's supposed to just be over. I don't know anymore. I used to feel I could talk to her about anything, and lately it doesn't work, and that's scary.

It was midnight when I got off the phone, so I thought awhile and finally called a friend who listened to me, and helped me work some of the emotions out, but the feelings are still here. I have been promising myself I'll start venting in my own Yahoo group again, but I haven't been doing it, so tonight I made myself do it, gave myself permission to do it, because I feel like I'll explode if I don't.

I haven't even really had a chance to talk to John about all this, how I'm feeling, how mom is acting lately, what's been going on and being confused, etc. Guess he'll read it in the morning in my group and find out. All I've been trying to do is feel better, get back on my routine, and get things done again that are supposed to get done, and I seem to be spinning my wheels at times instead of moving forwards.

And I don't know if anyone out there is really listening, but if anyone is, and you have any idea what might be going on with me, why I might be feeling like this, please share your input? This isn't anything I know how to compare to a previous situation, it's completely different, even from my worst depressions. And well, I'm scared.

Thanks for letting me post, anyway. Guess I'll try and get some sleep. Sorry if I annoyed anyone, I'm honestly not trying to, and I'm genuinely worried.

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
Expand Edited by Nightowl Nov. 29, 2006, 04:29:01 AM EST
New There is no normal.
You are stressing over things you can't control. You are not a councillor. You are not your Mom's mom.

Stress is bad. It can lower your resistance to illness. It can ruin sleep, even if you don't realize it - and that brings on other health issues.

Imric's Tips for Living
  • Paranoia Is a Survival Trait
  • Pessimists are never disappointed - but sometimes, if they are very lucky, they can be pleasantly surprised...
  • Even though everyone is out to get you, it doesn't matter unless you let them win.


Nothing is as simple as it seems in the beginning,
As hopeless as it seems in the middle,
Or as finished as it seems in the end.
 
 
New We're listening.
I don't reply very often to your posts any more, but I generally read them. I just don't have much to offer that hasn't been said before or better by others.

It's easy for me to say that you need to step back and relax for your own sake. Or repost something like [link|http://z.iwethey.org/forums/render/content/show?contentid=217422|#217422]. But I don't know if that would be helpful to you.

Perhaps you should take up yoga and/or related relaxation techniques?

Best wishes. I hope you feel better soon. Don't worry about things that you can't control - work on those things you can.

Cheers,
Scott.
New Thanks for replying (all of you) it helped!
Scott, I think you hit on something. I know it helps to "soundboard" things for me, at least it always has, and I never substitute it for real therapy, I promise, Laura. Soundboarding always seems to bring up insights that somewhere, I just missed, and someone else points it out and directs me there.

And it worked this time too. :) Scott, you referred me back to my post about "watching over" mom and dad, and I think that hit it somewhat on the nail head. I think I saw all the things that went down with the funeral, and well, I see that in my future. I wasn't putting it in those terms until you directed me there though. But yes, I'm scared about losing mom and dad, and I'm scared about being too dependent on mom and dad, and also scared about not taking care of them enough. It's a huge job to put on someone of my emotional stability, even if my brother thinks I'm "adult enough and mature enough." I think maybe he and I should talk again about this and reduce my "watching over" role some.

So here I thought I was reacting to the funeral and everyone's grief and loss and now that Scott gave me that insight, I think it's really about my own future with mom and dad. I think I'm worrying in that direction more, when to help, when not to, when can I back off and take care of me and John more, etc.

My husband read my dupe post in HT this morning and told me that he thinks most of the problem is that we've been reacting to in-family crisises for so long lately, that we don't know how to just be "typical" with each other (family included). I think that's true, but I also think it could be a mind over matter thing with me. If I focus on what Laura says, what's the worst that can happen, well, I've seen the worst in one respect and lived it through someone else. If I can handle that, why should I be worried?

I'm not really having actual panic attacks, BTW, in fact, I've been braver lately than I have in some time panic-wise. But Imric, I think you're right, I am having a lot of stress and it's causing me undue anxiety and affecting my health. And Scott, I can't really do Yoga, but I have been neglecting my "relax" cues at my computer lately, so that also kicked me in the brain to remember to pay attention to them not just turn them off, and do the actual exercises when they cue me.

I had worked something out with mom before this family crisis hit, where I didn't have to call her around the same time every day and check in, and when the crisis kicked in, it went right back to the old check in routine. I think I'll start by telling her I'd like to do that again, (not have a set time to call and check in), that would be a start of not feeling so "should do this" in at least that area.

And part of me also believes if I could get enough sleep (get caught up) and just have a week or so with no more "family" urgencies to handle, I might actually come down from this "stress-induced" fog. It's sort of felt like I was in a speeding car driving relentlessly, and now someone just showed me how to shift gears and get into the slow lane. ;)

And now that I think it's probably about either losing mom or dad or them not being able to do the things they used to with me, or for me, I have a better focus to work on. Maybe I need to direct it that way, because they will not be here forever, and if I depend on certain things with them to make holidays great, then the holidays will be forever grim when they aren't able or aren't here to share them.

In the words of my husband last year, when Christmas was falling apart in New Mexico, "we have to make our own NEW traditions."

I do have one question though, when your parents become unable to do things like they used to, and you have to start caring for them more or doing things without them, is that a sort of grieving process too? I've read a lot about losing someone, but not much about how to cope when they aren't capable of being themselves anymore.

Beep, I agree with your post too, I need to find a release. I haven't really been talking about all this since the funeral because there hasn't been hardly any time to talk about it with family or John, or even barely to post anything, so I think bottling it up inside and pretending it wasn't hurting was counter-productive. Now at least it's out in the open, in my group, and my family will see it and John knows and promised me we would talk about some of this soon. He promised that we'll make time.

Thanks all, for being a sounding board and helping me get a better concept of why or what is causing these feelings, and I will definitely talk to my doctor and ask him about maybe putting me back on the anxiety reducer till I get over this hurdle. But I think knowing why and being able to target it directly is half of the leap. ;)

Sometimes all you need to get another kick-start is for your feelings to be acknowledged and validated, and I thank you for that.

And sometimes you need a virtual kick in your behind from someone like Boxley, Ashton Peter, or Conrad to tell you to get up off your behind and keep on plugging along. ;)

Anyway, thanks, you've all given me a lot to think about and a great deal of insight to contemplate. :)

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
Expand Edited by Nightowl Nov. 29, 2006, 10:15:11 AM EST
New Regarding care of elders: it's hard to generalize.
I do have one question though, when your parents become unable to do things like they used to, and you have to start caring for them more or doing things without them, is that a sort of grieving process too? I've read a lot about losing someone, but not much about how to cope when they aren't capable of being themselves anymore.


I don't think of that as [link|http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grieving|grieving]. But it's hard to generalize. I think it's a very common part of getting old. In my case, it's painful to watch someone slowly lose their ability to do things for themselves and watch them slowly lose their mind.

It's frustrating to tell my MIL an answer to a question over and over and over and over and over again, but letting it get to me doesn't help anything. It's a part of several common brain diseases that we can't yet do much, if anything, about.

I think that caring for an older person is rather like caring for an infant, but in reverse. Rather than them learning more and becoming more independent each day, they forget more and become more dependent over time. If you can't accept that, then you're not the person who should be caring for them.

In my case, I think that it helped to grow up with an autistic brother. I learned long ago that you can't "will" someone to do something they're not capable of. Spending 5 minutes a day explaining to someone with Alzheimer's that they need to do something a certain way, or drink their water because they're dehydrated, or ..., when they're going to forget it a minute later doesn't help. It only increases your own frustration. You have to make it possible for them to live comfortably in the moment and forget about trying to get them to change - because they can't.

Anyway, I don't think it's productive to anticipate how you're going to react if you need to care for your parents more intensively. They'll annoy you and make you want to pull your hair out. It happens to everyone, I think. Just do what you can for them, but no more. Sacrificing your life or health for them doesn't do anyone any good (least of all them).

My $0.02.

Cheers,
Scott.
New Thanks for putting it in a different light
I don't think of that as [link|http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grieving|grieving]. But it's hard to generalize. I think it's a very common part of getting old. In my case, it's painful to watch someone slowly lose their ability to do things for themselves and watch them slowly lose their mind.


I guess I called it grieving because I feel a profound sense of loss when mom or Dad aren't capable of certain things and I have to shepherd them through something or handle it for them. It's sort of like a coming to terms with the fact that this is happening, so I guess I sort of classified that as a grief process step. It's not worrying me all the time (24-7) but was brought out more sharply lately by the funeral we dealt with.

However, after I read everyone's responses in here this morning, I did go and talk to my mom today on a personal level about some of this. I found that she's just as scared about how mixed up and rattled and such she is getting. It was a huge relief to both be able to discuss the fears we shared in a rational manner, rather than a defensive one or a hostile one. Instead of being defensive about her odd behavior lately, she was contrite, and explained that she really didn't think she had been being very nice to me lately, but she was feeling bad (physically) and confused (mentally), which was a lot of why.

That alleviated the worry I had that I was the one constantly misfiring in the communication process, and opened up the table for discussion about what we could do to better handle the miscommunications and get things clarified more quickly in order to get on with whatever we were trying to do.

We also both agreed we'd been pulled back into the worrying place of "checking on one another" since the funeral, and released that rule again, putting it back to where we call when we want to, when it's convenient and such, instead of "checking in" by a certain time daily. So the pressure has lessened and the anxiety is being discussed on both sides. Death always brings one's mortality closer to the surface, and in this case it leapt up right out of the water!

I think that caring for an older person is rather like caring for an infant, but in reverse. Rather than them learning more and becoming more independent each day, they forget more and become more dependent over time. If you can't accept that, then you're not the person who should be caring for them.


I agree, and I don't feel capable of being the person to care for them on a day to day basis. I can help, I can drive them places, I can assist with many things, but to have the complete care of them scares the bejeebers out of me. And I think that's what one of my cousins was trying to tell me at the wake, that I had to step up and accept a higher responsibility to my parents because my dad was now the official elder, or head of the family. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I think I get it now. I'm afraid he means I am expected to take my mom or dad in if necessary and care for them like his dad and Aunt took in Jeffie. But I can't do that. I feel ashamed to admit it, but there's no way I could take that sort of stance with my parents, and care for them in my home. We activate one another too much, we're the wrong combination. My brother, my sister, could maybe do it, but me, no way.

In my case, I think that it helped to grow up with an autistic brother. I learned long ago that you can't "will" someone to do something they're not capable of. Spending 5 minutes a day explaining to someone with Alzheimer's that they need to do something a certain way, or drink their water because they're dehydrated, or ..., when they're going to forget it a minute later doesn't help. It only increases your own frustration. You have to make it possible for them to live comfortably in the moment and forget about trying to get them to change - because they can't.


I agree. I'm having to accept the fact that mom "doesn't remember" saying things, or then tells me, "I told you this" and I don't remember hearing it, so I doubt that. I think I need to choose what's important to clarify and what isn't. Instead, until we talked, I've just been reacting to what she says or does. Reacting instead of acting.

Anyway, I don't think it's productive to anticipate how you're going to react if you need to care for your parents more intensively. They'll annoy you and make you want to pull your hair out. It happens to everyone, I think. Just do what you can for them, but no more. Sacrificing your life or health for them doesn't do anyone any good (least of all them).


I agree with that sentiment also, but I think it was very productive, (at least today it was), to go and discuss with mom about her odd behavior (one minute this is important and must be done, next minute she doesn't care about it, as an example), with her. Putting it in front of both of us made us have to examine our actions and reactions, and helped her admit, sorry, I can't keep things straight right now.

Maybe it's permanent, maybe it's due to all the complexity surrounding the family during this loss, but if I embrace the behavior rather than try and change it, if I accept it will most likely be the case, I think I can handle it better than I have been. And it helps to know that she is as confused as I am in some respects, about what she's remembering now or what is important now and isn't.

Thanks Scott, you've really widened a crack for me to put my foot in with the issue, and I did take some major steps to get my foot in that door, and with some measure of success. :)

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New What Imric said
word for word.

Find a release for the stress, its important.

But mostly, make peace with yourself. Only you can do that. Once you make peace with yourself, peace with others will come. Work at your pace. If others have a problem with that pace, that is THEIR issue, not yours. One key to this, though, is to stop taking everything on yourself. Commit to only what you are comfortable in accomplishing.
Too much of today's music is fashionable crap dressed as artistry.Adrian Belew
New Okay.
Like Scott, I find it difficult to respond to your posts because I feel all this armchair psychiatry is counterproductive and I dont want you to substitute this for real help. You need real help, Brenda. You're drowning in your anxiety and it's time to get some help. Talk to your doctor about it when you see him.

It's not depression. It's anxiety. And it's feeding off itself and you're spiraling down. Everything you're feeling- the depersonalization, the cognitive impairments, the sleep impairments- all anxiety. Sounds like your having some panic episodes, too.

You're life right now is being ruled by your internal "shoulds". You think "I should be doing this, I should be doing that". You're imposing these expectations on yourself and you're making yourself crazy. So what if you just got the Thank You cards out? So what if you dont have a Norman Rockwell Christmas? The world wont end. Nobody will die or get hurt. Life will go on. You're anxiety is turning even small things into a major catastrophe.

It would help you to see someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy to help derail these destructive thought patterns you're having. Talk to your doc about adjusting your Xanax, also.

In the meantime, when you feel yourself spinning out of control, ask yourself:
What is the worst thing that will happen if I do/dont do XYZ?
Will it matter in 20 years?

When you start with the negative self-talk, ask yourself:
What evidence do I have that this is true?

You gotta get a handle on this anxiety. Go see someone!
New What Laura said. Do it. NOW!
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. (Herm Albright)
New get some help
you cant control what happens to you, you can only control what effect it has on you.
thanx,
bill
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 50 years. meep
New Right on cue. ;)
you cant control what happens to you, you can only control what effect it has on you.


And thanks for pointing that out again, I think it got lost in the shuffle somewhere lately. :)

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New Brenda, do you journal?
Posting here can qualify, I guess, but the process of getting something written down or typed up helps you sort out what you're thinking. Part of the key is just to get it out; never mind too much about editing or coherency overall. I find some local editing is fine for me, but otherwise it's just stream of consciousness. And don't get stressed if you miss a day!

I've been journalling on-and-off since July - right through the real start of separation and the birth of my son. It helps to get thoughts down. It makes it possible for me to put them aside without worrying if I'll forget them because they're on the page (well, in a file).

Also, several people have made it clear to me that it's very important that I talk to people about things and not to bottle it up. Amongst other things, it puts people around you who you are safe with and who care for you. And may encourage you in ways you aren't always expecting. It may be a little unorthodox, but *we* are part of your support system whilesoever you're here.

Wade.
"Don't give up!"
New Re: Brenda, do you journal?
Tricky question, but I'll try and answer it.

Posting here can qualify, I guess, but the process of getting something written down or typed up helps you sort out what you're thinking. Part of the key is just to get it out; never mind too much about editing or coherency overall. I find some local editing is fine for me, but otherwise it's just stream of consciousness. And don't get stressed if you miss a day!


I used to journal ALL the time. I carried a notebook with me and you never saw me without it. I wrote everything I felt at every opportunity on a daily basis, and all of it (years and years worth) is in 3-ring notebooks in the basement.

However, when my life changed from a dark view to a light one, journaling was no longer something I seemed to need. It became less and less important to document or write down everything I felt when I was with John, because we talked about everything most of the time.

My journaling moved into two other areas, my Yahoo group, which is essentially my blog which was created to keep me in touch with people who wanted to be in touch, and only last year became sort of an unsafe place to vent. And my daily letter to John. Ever since we met, he wrote me a daily e-mail. It started on the BBS and now it's Internet, but it is very much a part of us, and a supplement to, not a substitute for conversation. So I use my daily e-mail to him to document my day, what happened, how I felt, etc. And when I write my monthly letter to all those people who enjoy getting it, I take that information from there.

You stated that posting here could qualify, well, I have resorted more to here than my own group after the fireworks with Katie and Ria last year, I admit that. I'm trying to get back though, where I can write how I feel in my group and however it gets taken, it just does.

I've been journalling on-and-off since July - right through the real start of separation and the birth of my son. It helps to get thoughts down. It makes it possible for me to put them aside without worrying if I'll forget them because they're on the page (well, in a file).


I agree, it really does help to write them down, or have other people be sounding boards to how you sound, how you feel, etc. It helps because it puts the words out there in front of you and you HAVE to face them then, because you wrote them down. I worried about writing how I was feeling in here last night because I knew that it might spiral into a serious discussion about why I should go back into therapy, but yet when I wrote it down and put it out there, I had to do something today, take some action to work on solving the problem, and I did that.

Also, several people have made it clear to me that it's very important that I talk to people about things and not to bottle it up. Amongst other things, it puts people around you who you are safe with and who care for you. And may encourage you in ways you aren't always expecting. It may be a little unorthodox, but *we* are part of your support system whilesoever you're here.


I agree here too, I know better than to bottle things up, and was sort of surprised to realize that I had almost unconsciously been holding those thoughts and fears inside. Which was another reason I forced myself to post both here and in my group, (which got me a call from Katie, by the way that really helped), and put it out there where it couldn't hide from detection anymore.

And it's funny that you point out that I feel safe with you all, and believe you care for me, (even when it doesn't always seem that way). Sometimes I wonder why I don't get down to this level with all the women on my Soap Opera group, but I don't know them as well. I haven't been around them "online" as long, and I don't know what to expect. I would probably get a lot more responses from them, for sure, than I get here sometimes, but the responses would be far less effective than the few responses I get here that do indeed kick me into motion or enlighten me about something I simply missed in the forest because I was looking at the trees.

I do try to keep your feelings in mind however, and try not to swamp things in here with my feelings or thoughts. But I don't have children to talk about their antics, I don't have a job to share my stresses about, this is what I have, my family, my life, my husband, and it's all I have to share. So yes, even though I could be attacked for some of what I say or feel, I DO feel safe in here, odd as it seems.

IWT is a known factor that I can predict to a degree, and feel comfortable with. No other group online that I'm in has that degree of security.

And before I get chewed up for not agreeing I should go back into therapy, (not really saying I shouldn't), the last thing my therapist told me, (and he retired and also gets my monthly letter by the way), was that I had all the tools I need now to cope. I just have to have the confidence to use them. I'm starting to learn that, I'm starting to draw up boundaries and say no when it's inconvenient, and that was NOTICED by people at the funeral. But when I write a post like I did the other night in here, I'm DOUBTING myself and my ability to use those tools.

Medication was never a regime for me, nothing worked without knocking me out or making me sick, and I had to learn a lot of other techniques to cope, which I'm a little rusty at using after my ordeal with my family. But I'm back on my feet, and starting to stand up for that, and feeling like I do have the tools, I just need to build up that confidence.

Thanks, and I'm still discussing all this with my doctor on the 4th. :)

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New No is such a positive word
>>> I'm starting to draw up boundaries and say no when it's inconvenient <<<

[link|http://www.amazon.com/Book-No-Susan-Newman/dp/0071460780/sr=8-1/qid=1164896657/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-0335229-2593411?ie=UTF8&s=books|http://www.amazon.co...1?ie=UTF8&s=books]

250 scenarios for saying no!

Maybe your library has it.
New also short, sweet, and to the point.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. (Herm Albright)
New Thanks!
Looks like it's a 2005 release. I'll check it out.

Barnes & Noble doesn't have it yet, but my library does as new material. I'll wait a few days before reserving it though, because we're having an ice storm and I won't be going anywhere easily for a few days.

The way I determine now how to say no, is I consider the request (or demand), and I analyze it briefly to see if it seems to be unreasonable to be asked of me, or too stressful or difficult to handle, and then reply. I've probably said no to my family about half as much as I've said yes in the last few months, so I feel like I've made progress there. :)

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
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"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
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Expand Edited by Nightowl Nov. 30, 2006, 01:13:52 PM EST
Expand Edited by Nightowl Nov. 30, 2006, 01:22:55 PM EST
New Re: Thanks!
Note too, the many other titles "also ordered by" and related to The Big NO!.
Saying NO to friends relatives, non-friends, non-relatives is not just Your problem.. but it IS your problem, too.

So.. Go Look Again
(or.. just say No)

     I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm scared. - (Nightowl) - (16)
         There is no normal. - (imric)
         We're listening. - (Another Scott) - (3)
             Thanks for replying (all of you) it helped! - (Nightowl) - (2)
                 Regarding care of elders: it's hard to generalize. - (Another Scott) - (1)
                     Thanks for putting it in a different light - (Nightowl)
         What Imric said - (bepatient)
         Okay. - (bionerd) - (1)
             What Laura said. Do it. NOW! -NT - (jbrabeck)
         get some help - (boxley) - (1)
             Right on cue. ;) - (Nightowl)
         Brenda, do you journal? - (static) - (5)
             Re: Brenda, do you journal? - (Nightowl) - (4)
                 No is such a positive word - (dmcarls) - (3)
                     also short, sweet, and to the point. -NT - (jbrabeck)
                     Thanks! - (Nightowl) - (1)
                         Re: Thanks! - (Ashton)

And monkeys could fly out of my butt.
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