That was just what I needed to read before heading to bed tonight.

Update on things, I made it, I survived, I didn't hyperventilate (although if you touched me it was very obvious I was shaking a lot)....my panic anxiety was definitely there, and my heart raced off and on all night until John walked in the door around 7, but I stayed on my feet and functional and that was what I needed to do!

And get this, (and I realize it might not seem like a big deal for some of you, but that's ok), when my sister called in a panic saying she wasn't going to make it to St. Louis in time to get me to the wake at 3:00 p.m., I DROVE THERE MYSELF!

Anyone who knows my fears of playing around anywhere near Hwy 270 and 203,179. 178, etc.... because I tend to wind up in East St. Louis... (not somewhere I want to wind up), will recognize this as a major thing. Mom stayed home and waited for my sister, and I took my dad in my own car to Illinois by myself (as in - without John), and we got there fine. :) And amazingly, Dad said he was PROUD of me! I've always been the daughter who "would get lost", "wouldn't know what I was doing", "Couldn't do this or that" and today I proved otherwise (something I've known a long time but he would never concede), and man, hearing those words, unsolicited from dad... priceless and unforgettable. Being able to drive there though, I must admit, amazed even me, so I'm driving myself there again tomorrow, this time ALONE. :)

This has truly been a day of amazing firsts for me. Drove to and from Granite City in my car without John (but he led me out to the highway on the way home); Stayed from 2:30 till 9:30 p.m. at the Funeral Home without hyperventilating or passing out; and even (gasp) walked escorted (and shaking), to the casket and placed a Christmas card I had purchased for Jeffie, inside by her--THAT was the really hard one. ;)

Crazy aforementioned cousin arrived and was most definitely already "spacey" in some manner, but between all of us who encouraged her to be calm and kept her busy doing things to keep her mind off the "falling apart" aspect, there were NO incidents. (huge sigh).

Tomorrow is the actual funeral and graveside service, then back to the church for the dinner afterwards. I suspect if things are going to erupt with the afore mentioned cousin, it will probably be there, after we've coped with the cemetery and such. So I have a nice "armored" car (commonly fondly referred to by people as a "tank"), that will be there if I need to get inside and lock all the doors to avoid the combatants. ;)

So, now I need a good night's sleep, to be ready for tomorrow. Thank you ALL for your support and prayers, God did indeed make this all work. Now I just have one more day to deal with it and I get a break on Friday...away from the family. ;)

And the icing on the cake? I got an e-mail from Katie tonight afterwards telling me she didn't know how she would have ever gotten through tonight, had she not been able to glance through that crowd and see me there standing by if she needed me. Wow. What can I say. The chaotic events between the moment we became friends 3 years ago and today, suddenly seem so unimportant, and so meaningless, in the face of this friendship.

Brenda

P.S. If anyone would like to see what Aunt Jeffie looked like, there's a shot of her in 2004 on the home page of my family group. You don't have to do anything but go to the link and view the picture, the group is public. The shot is of me presenting to her the new and improved "old" Turnbow book (you know, the one I managed to get reprinted and bound in 2004), to her for the very first time. That's a memory I'm keeping forever. You can view the photo at the link below. She would have been about 95 or 96 then. She actually has the 3 ring version on her lap, it was created before we got the binding place worked out. :)

[link|http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Theturnbowtree/|http://groups.yahoo....p/Theturnbowtree/]