I agree, Scott, I know better than to settle for that agreement, and I held out for a better one, like Hnick said.

Here's the good news, and a little more explanation for any who want it.

Dori explained that the agreement would be first for 2 weeks (to see how it goes), and the idea behind not talking to a lot of other people for that time, would be to keep most other people out of the mix between Katie and I. That actually made some sense, (as in less verbal interference while we try to figure this out), and the 2 weeks was better than open-ended.

Dori also asked me when I disagreed with the contract, to state what I would be willing to do to attempt this. She now gets that if she tells me I can't talk to anyone else, it would eat me up inside. John and a couple other good friends also added their input to get this point across.

So... now we are working to put together a better agreement. Here are some of the basics:

I can share anything and everything with John, several private groups, private e-mail, and most offline people I choose, (other than family), including you guys (even though you aren't private, IWT is exempt), if I need to for coping, clarification or support.

I can talk to my mom, and several other specific people with basic concepts and feelings, but not share the actual e-mail process and such directly with her. This will keep her out of the mix with Katie, and prevent a lot of the confusion that continues to result from mom trying to be the interpreter. Katie would also have to keep Ria out of same (not share e-mails, etc. with Ria.) We now have a better interpreter who is objective, which is turning out to be a lot better.

I can't mention anything about Katie in my public Yahoo group for the 2 weeks. (this will be the hardest, but I think I could do it. It would be good discipline to try, anyway).

And I will refrain from mentioning anything much about the process anywhere else that's public, other than a statement or something saying how I feel, "The process is going well", "the process is stressing me out", etc.

That's the gist, the contract still isn't written, and we are still stuck on the issue of the monthly letter, but this one actually sounds like it might work. Dori is really throwing herself into this, she's reading all the history in my group about the problem, excerpts from my letters, and I gave her the reunion group archives to read also.

And for the first time in months, the following things have happened:
Katie admitted we have a problem.
Katie stated she wanted to work at resolving it.
Katie finally gets that my Yahoo group is PUBLIC and that anyone can read it. (It's hard to make less computer-savvy people get things sometimes).
and Katie and I both said we still missed and loved one another.

In my opinion, there's no reason to try this plan, at least give it a chance, now that all the pressure about talking to certain people has been resolved. I think I could actually try this, and it has a chance of actually working.

When I get the actual contract, (like I said, it's not written up completely yet as we are still hammering it out, but all together now, rather than her writing it on her own), I can post it here if you want.

Thanks, each and everyone of you for all your support, sorry I was losing it the other night. It still may not work, at least I'm realistic about it, but I figure I've tried this long, I should try this before actually giving up.

Brenda

This is a contract only to enter in to with Dori for her to help interpret for the two of us, without too much outside interference. It isn't a contract for how Katie and I will behave in a friendship. It's like Katie and I speak two different languages or something, as we come from totally different upbringings, and Dori is a neutral party.

When Katie and I are together, or lately, the physical symptoms for each are extreme, her blood pressure rises and my heart pounds and I dehydrate. so we can't discuss it calmly based on that fight-flight thing in both of us.

Dori helped Katie already understand that I don't feel "safe" around her in a panic-anxiety sense, so the translation process is working so far. She isn't on anyone's side, just trying to help us understand one another better, and it seems to be starting to work.

I know it isn't a permanent fix, but if Katie and I can get some understanding of how each of us tick, we may be able to work things out in a better way in the future.

I figure I owe this one more try, because it does affect the entire family, with a huge ripple effect.

Brenda

I do want to do this for myself, also.

But I'm doing what you all have said, and standing up for myself. And believe it or not, it's beginning to work. :)

Too complex to explain now, and I'm sure you don't want to hear, but just know that major breakthroughs are being made, and that's progress. :)

Brenda