It certainly sounds like a mess. It is probably a mistake to enter into an agreement that makes you physically sick to comtemplate. It might be better to hold out for a solution that will work for everybody including yourself. The first solution isn't always correct, and a solution that will last longer may be better in the long run, even if it takes more work to arrive at.

I completely agree. I cannot do it under these terms, my body isn't going to allow it. They are rethinking things after I lost it and posted last night in my Yahoo group how I was feeling. (I haven't accepted the agreement yet, so I can still post there for now).

Good luck! Hope you don't need too much of it...

Thank you, I do need it.

Brenda

Brenda and Katie,

Would you be willing to agree to the following as written?
___________________________________________________________
I agree that for the next two weeks, beginning at such time that
[other person] and I have consented to the following and Dori has
confirmed it in HT, that:

1. I will not: Discuss emails, conversations, etc. THAT OCCUR BETWEEN [OTHER PERSON], DORI AND I (meaning that this excludes Reunion Details that have to be discussed, etc), other than to say one or more of the following (in my own words but without clarifying it with any other statement/explanation):

"This situation has been going on for some time and it is going to take a little while to get it straightened out."

"I feel we (WE, not I) are [Whatever you feel in 5 words or less. Yes, that's right--- only 5 --- so choose your words ahead of time. :: grins ::]

Here are some suggestions:
making progress
wasting our time
stuck on a couple issues
crazy for trying
completely reconciled
getting a better understanding
worse off than we started
driving Dori crazy
being driven crazy by Dori
exhausted but hopeful

"All of us are committed to the process and we still have some time before the initial deadline. I'll keep you posted."

2. I will not: Explain WHY I feel this way. If they ask, I will say something as close to the following as possible, in my own words:

"Part of the agreement is that I won't discuss the details of the process. After it is over there will be a recap I can share with you."

2a. I agree that numbers 1 and 2 will apply to the following:
a. Ria
b. HT (My Yahoo Group)
c. All family members with the exclusion of my own spouse.

2b. I agree that numbers 1 and 2 will exclude the following: (meaning I may comment, discuss, etc. at will), WITH THE UNDERSTANDING that I will REFRAIN from quoting the responses or conversations with these people/groups/entitites/etc with HT, Ria, and All family members with the exclusion of my own spouse.
a. IWT
b. Ginny (online friend)
c. DK (online friend)

2c. I understand that the criteria detailed in numbers A, 1 and 2 will best facilitate a more trusting environment for all parties involved.

2d. I will refrain from contacting [other person] about anything unnecessary or pertaining to the discussions between she, Dori and I, (meaning that this excludes Reunion Details that have to be discussed, etc), and will email Dori about any and all concerns, questions, etc. regarding issues, conflicts, etc with [other person] until such a time arises that it is mutually agreed upon by all 3 of us that it is the next step that needs to occur.

3. I will: participate in helping Dori compose a 'recap' of the process and decisions that were made, understanding that:

I. The recap will have the following format:

A. Basic list of issues that were discussed and resolved, with the resolution listed.

B. Basic list of issues that were discussed and NOT resolved (if applicable) and where the contention lay.

C. If issues were not resolved:
a plan for resolving them
or a plan for tabling them
or a plan for insuring the unresolved issue will not affect others

D. My feelings about the overall outcome.

E. [other person]'s feelings about the overall outcome.

F. Dori's feelings about the overall outcome.

G. A statement about what happens next.

II. All three of us will be working to develop this recap and that we will all agree on it prior to it being posted in HT, or shared with others.

4. I will do my best to work toward a mutually beneficial compromise.

5. I will agree to abide by the provisions set forth in the 'recap', in order to have a more harmonious relationship with [other person].
(Please note that the 'recap' will include issues that were not resolved and a method for dealing with the controversy.)

6. I agree to ask Dori to get clarification or confirmation on anything that is not completely clear to me.

7. I will be completely honest when corresponding and will do my best to answer thoughtfully and with intent.

8. I agree to enter this agreement with the expectation of success, with a positive frame of mind, and doing my best to release all hostility and hurt- clinging only to that which will help build a healthy new foundation for a relationship with [other person].

9. I understand that once this agreement is completed, relinquished, or extended and completed, there will still be a lot of effort needed in order to have good communication.

10. I understand that if I want to cancel this agreement I may do so at any time, but agree to work with Dori and [other person] to set into place certain provisions to prevent any remaining controversy from affecting others once I have informed Dori of my desire to cancel the agreement, and prior to posting on HT, discussing with Ria or prior to discussing with any family member except my spouse.

11. I understand that Dori makes no promises, implies no guarantees, offers no warranties, exchanges or refunds, and that she agrees to facilitate the communication between [other person] and I until such time as the agreement is completed, relinquished, or extended and completed.

12. I agree to abide by the provisions until the deadline specified in Dori's confirming post, which she will write after getting consent from both [other person] and I.

**********************************************************
This is what they are asking me to agree to. I can only talk to Dori (through e-mail), two online people, John, and in here, about any of this,or how I'm dealing with it, for 2 weeks, and can't express emotions or feelings about it to anyone anywhere else either. And I can only write about it in 5 words or less with no specifics and only using "we".

I would have to be a hermit and hide out to cope with this. :(

Brenda

I agree, Scott, I know better than to settle for that agreement, and I held out for a better one, like Hnick said.

Here's the good news, and a little more explanation for any who want it.

Dori explained that the agreement would be first for 2 weeks (to see how it goes), and the idea behind not talking to a lot of other people for that time, would be to keep most other people out of the mix between Katie and I. That actually made some sense, (as in less verbal interference while we try to figure this out), and the 2 weeks was better than open-ended.

Dori also asked me when I disagreed with the contract, to state what I would be willing to do to attempt this. She now gets that if she tells me I can't talk to anyone else, it would eat me up inside. John and a couple other good friends also added their input to get this point across.

So... now we are working to put together a better agreement. Here are some of the basics:

I can share anything and everything with John, several private groups, private e-mail, and most offline people I choose, (other than family), including you guys (even though you aren't private, IWT is exempt), if I need to for coping, clarification or support.

I can talk to my mom, and several other specific people with basic concepts and feelings, but not share the actual e-mail process and such directly with her. This will keep her out of the mix with Katie, and prevent a lot of the confusion that continues to result from mom trying to be the interpreter. Katie would also have to keep Ria out of same (not share e-mails, etc. with Ria.) We now have a better interpreter who is objective, which is turning out to be a lot better.

I can't mention anything about Katie in my public Yahoo group for the 2 weeks. (this will be the hardest, but I think I could do it. It would be good discipline to try, anyway).

And I will refrain from mentioning anything much about the process anywhere else that's public, other than a statement or something saying how I feel, "The process is going well", "the process is stressing me out", etc.

That's the gist, the contract still isn't written, and we are still stuck on the issue of the monthly letter, but this one actually sounds like it might work. Dori is really throwing herself into this, she's reading all the history in my group about the problem, excerpts from my letters, and I gave her the reunion group archives to read also.

And for the first time in months, the following things have happened:
Katie admitted we have a problem.
Katie stated she wanted to work at resolving it.
Katie finally gets that my Yahoo group is PUBLIC and that anyone can read it. (It's hard to make less computer-savvy people get things sometimes).
and Katie and I both said we still missed and loved one another.

In my opinion, there's no reason to try this plan, at least give it a chance, now that all the pressure about talking to certain people has been resolved. I think I could actually try this, and it has a chance of actually working.

When I get the actual contract, (like I said, it's not written up completely yet as we are still hammering it out, but all together now, rather than her writing it on her own), I can post it here if you want.

Thanks, each and everyone of you for all your support, sorry I was losing it the other night. It still may not work, at least I'm realistic about it, but I figure I've tried this long, I should try this before actually giving up.

Brenda

This is a contract only to enter in to with Dori for her to help interpret for the two of us, without too much outside interference. It isn't a contract for how Katie and I will behave in a friendship. It's like Katie and I speak two different languages or something, as we come from totally different upbringings, and Dori is a neutral party.

When Katie and I are together, or lately, the physical symptoms for each are extreme, her blood pressure rises and my heart pounds and I dehydrate. so we can't discuss it calmly based on that fight-flight thing in both of us.

Dori helped Katie already understand that I don't feel "safe" around her in a panic-anxiety sense, so the translation process is working so far. She isn't on anyone's side, just trying to help us understand one another better, and it seems to be starting to work.

I know it isn't a permanent fix, but if Katie and I can get some understanding of how each of us tick, we may be able to work things out in a better way in the future.

I figure I owe this one more try, because it does affect the entire family, with a huge ripple effect.

Brenda

I do want to do this for myself, also.

But I'm doing what you all have said, and standing up for myself. And believe it or not, it's beginning to work. :)

Too complex to explain now, and I'm sure you don't want to hear, but just know that major breakthroughs are being made, and that's progress. :)

Brenda

Thanks...preferably the dark side. ;)

Brenda