From an unknown source....

Dear President Bush;

I understand that you have no concept of the shit you inadvertently tossed into the fan, when you used the term "crusade" when speaking about the War on Terror. That word has a very specific historical legacy, but only to those of us who read, so we don't honestly expect you to understand why we all shook our heads in disbelief.

Your State of the Union address included the new phrase "Axis of Evil". It's not as disturbing to most of us, on historical grounds but strategically, it's just as erroneous and it's actually more dangerous, from a geo-political diplomacy perspective. Even ultra-conservatives agree that you've probably set diplomatic relations back 15 years.

Last week, when you were visiting China, you accidentally substituted the word "devaluation" with the word "deflation" when discussing the plan to save the Japanese economy. That single mistake fraked-out the traders so badly that it knocked most of the foreign stock markets back by millions of points. That was just a small example of the unintended possibilities that sloppy thinking, poor understanding of grammar and fuzzy math can bring to pass.

You (of all people) should know that I'm not being an alarmist when I say, "What the Hell are you doing?" I mean, surely you are aware of your intellectual shortcomings. I bet that your entire life has been abundantly filled with such humorous incidents.

(Hint: remember all those times when people laughed after you said something, even though it wasn't meant to be a joke?)

You could star in your own sit-com, George!

Hell, I'd probably watch it!

Unfortunately, this isn't a sit-com and there's no second takes.

The way you casually toss these phrases around, as though you know what you're talking about, is troubling, and the fact that we will all have to live (or die) with the consequences of your mistakes is frankly scaring the bejesus out of me and anyone else with a high enough IQ to detect the clear and present danger that eventually, you're going to really piss in your own proverbial whiskey and blow us all to Kingdom Come.

Look Tex, I didn't vote for you. Most of us didn't.

On September 11th, our country, our way of life, our values, our freedom and our future was savagely attacked. The survival of the Democracy has been threatened like never before in history, so most of us have rallied behind you as our leader.

(Don't get me wrong, I dearly wish that Bill Clinton was still sitting in the big chair, but he's not.)

The support of the American people is something that should be humbling to anyone. We are a loyal and brave people, and we're behind you, George. (86% behind you) This is not partisan politics, this is Patriotism. They're not the same thing. The sooner you learn that, the better off we'll all be. If this isn't plain enough, let me explain the thrust of my point:

We don't want you handing-out more huge cash grants to major corporations. Call it "economic stimulus", or "economic security", whatever, we're still not buying it. That plan is dead, so get over it.

We don't want you and Dick Cheney to get away with hiding those Enron documents, so take them out of the Shred-o-matic and turn them over. It won't hurt as much as you think, after all, everybody who can read already knows that Kenneth Lay wrote the Energy Plan, I knew it when the plan's details were released to the press, right after you and Mrs. Bush took-up housekeeping on Pennsylvania Avenue. Your Republican supporters are going to follow you, no matter what. They've been blessed with the gift of simplicity.

(They're like the freaking Stepford Wives!)

We Democrats aren't going to toss you, because the thought of Cheney running shit, scares us worse than your word-skills.

Just tell the truth. Get out there and admit that you let Kenny-Boy have too much sugar and, like a spoiled child with attention deficit disorder, he went on a hyperactive rampage of greed and power. We're more than willing to blame Kenneth Lay and Enron for everything. It won't cost you the election in 2004, no matter what Dick Morris tells you. The next Presidential election is probably yours to win or lose.

Plus...

(just in case someone gives you enough rope, and you hang yourself)

...you always have the Supreme Court.

You have the popularity ratings to burn one small mistake, like the Enron Energy Plan. I mean, shit George, think about it! If they tossed every Republican that ever let greedy corporations and their campaign donations effect their policies and their votes, America would have the best dressed unemployment lines in the world!

You're probably going to win on the "Oilfields over Alaska" plan. The Teamsters will walk you thru that one.

You've got the Carnivore program hack-surfing you all the free porno you can shake your little stick at, and I'm almost certain that you'll be able to find yourself a red-neck, right-wing fishing buddy that you can sneak in as a Supreme Court Justice.

(JUST ONE, GEORGE, DON'T GET GREEDY!)

So life on the Potomac-Ponderosa is good.

There's only one more thing that we have to clear-up:

I don't care what you think about Bill Clinton, it's just a fact that the man who had that job before you could calculate war-head kiloton yield equations and rocket-trajectory mathematics in his head. He could tell you the exact range of every missile ever mass-produced since the Chinese invented the bottle-rocket, accurately describe Oppenheimer's role in the Manhattan Project and he could probably build you an exact replica of the first A-bomb prototype with McGuyver's pocket knife and a box of matches.

We know that's not in your bag of tricks, so....

Practice this till you get it right...

THE WORD "NUCLEAR" IS PRONOUNCED: NUKE'-lee-errrr
There's no such word as "nuke-ya-ler" and it makes my teeth rattle every time you mispronounce it, which is EVERY SINGLE TIME that you've ever tried to say it so far.


Nobody ever said this was going to be an easy gig, Gee.
Peace. Out.
PS
Is it true that G.W. stands for "Got War?"