Post #909
7/5/01 5:44:56 PM
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Choices
She made up her own mind.
She isn't old enough to make that hard of a decision, but what kind of arrogance would it take for anyone else to consider telling her what to do?
We had some good conversations, her mom and I both let her know that it is her decision, and hers alone, and we are with her and respect her no matter what. The guy's Dad insists that it is a joint decision between the two of them. And when he said that, there were almost visible eye-beams that would have been lethal if such things ever were, going both ways.
I don't know all of what went into her decision. I doubt that religion had much to do with it. I do know that she is fiercely committed to carrying the child, and would prefer not to adopt out.
White guys in suits know best
- Pat McCurdy
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Post #927
7/5/01 6:35:19 PM
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In a perfect world (yeah, right)
The guy's Dad insists that it is a joint decision between the two of them.
Ideally, she would feel that the right thing to do is consider his opinion. And his opinion would be that it is her decision, which he will support. Everybody wins. See, isn't this easy?
My official modern astrological sign is Telsat, with Defcomsat rising.
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Post #930
7/5/01 6:41:16 PM
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In a perfect world
they'd make condoms smaller and we wouldn't be having this discussion.
Don't mind me, flipping randomly between joy, sorrow, and rage, with confusion spread over the whole mess.
White guys in suits know best
- Pat McCurdy
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Post #932
7/5/01 6:43:52 PM
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Or little boys wouldn't buy XL ones, to "prove" something...
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Post #955
7/6/01 2:48:26 AM
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Re: Choices - not just theirs ! - yours too
I believe you are being very generous in saying the decision is hers and hers alone (incl the father of course) but the truth is the decision has to be yours and wife's as well. If your are willing then that is what counts.
If you haven't already realised the extent of your required & neccesary involvement - it will come - and the reality is that you both are going to make an equal if not greater sacrifice in the upbringing of the baby.
The youngsters have no hope of doing without aid - so the decision to have the baby & raise it is wider than just hers.
I applaude your courage in accepting this situation. Is is though just a bit sad that it is the kind & generous people of the world who so often bear the burden of others bad decisions or choices.
The really good thing about it all is that you will have the opportunity to share in and influence a new life. That is precious.
I hope things work out well for your feelings about the boy - am sure there are many of us who could have been wearing his shoes (or yours today for that matter).
Just remember that any kindness you are able to show him (for all that he is) won't go unrewarded (even if the rewards are not always tangible).
Anyway - there are a lot of us thinking of you and for you.
Cheers
Doug Marker
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Post #981
7/6/01 11:06:04 AM
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It didn't feel like a choice to me
She's my daughter and I stand by her. It is no more generous than feeding myself is.
I guess it really is a choice, but this kind of runs into the free will vs. character question. Given who we are as family, and who I am, I didn't have many options.
White guys in suits know best
- Pat McCurdy
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Post #986
7/6/01 11:46:16 AM
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That is the way that life is
sometimes you don't really have a choice and someone else decides for you, or the way things unfold you find out that you never had a choice in the matter at all. In some cases you may have a choice, and hope that you didn't pick a wrong one.
Am I the way I am because of choices I made, or the way things had unfolded in my life that I didn't have a choice in?
| "I can see if I want anything done right around here, I'll have to do it myself!" | Moe Howard |
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Post #991
7/6/01 11:58:53 AM
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Was Abortion Discussed?
There really is the point of view that says - this kid may very well grow up unhappy and after the newness of the situation has worn off, your daughter may end up not being a very good parent for the usual reason - she's only a kid. So you end up with a troubled kid and a more troubled grandkid. Unless you yourself are morally opposed, it really should be discussed with her. This kid will certainly displace another in the future who could be raised under better conditions.
IMO abortion is a perfectly acceptable solution, but the message from society is that you are a murderer if you do that. She may actually want an abortion but fear being villified.
Also, you must feel rather guilty about it yourself, as if you failed - well don't. That accomplishes nothing.
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Post #994
7/6/01 12:35:20 PM
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Yes, it was
And we made it very clear that it is a respectable option.
White guys in suits know best
- Pat McCurdy
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Post #1,000
7/6/01 1:04:11 PM
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Harder Question
IMO (and mind you, I'm not a parent) you have every right to apply the authority of parenthood to argue strenuously for *your own* position, whatever that might be - with the final choice remaining with her. Did you do that?
My sister had a kid at the age of 14. I would not want to be without my nephews now, but when I see the wreckage of my sister's life, I can only wonder if alternatives were discussed back then, and whether or not my parents shirked some of their responsibility in the matter. Am I arguing that an abortion in a 14 year old would have been the right thing to do? In a sense, yes - of course in hindsight it's sort of a meaningless argument. My nephews are here, and what's done is done.
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Post #1,018
7/6/01 3:36:35 PM
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No, I didn't argue a position either way.
If she were 14, I probably would have. But she is a very mature 16 year old.
White guys in suits know best
- Pat McCurdy
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Post #995
7/6/01 12:39:15 PM
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choices
There are choices we make that dictate future choices. From the tone of your postings I'd say that this decision was made a long time ago. Good on ya for having the integrity to stick to it. The example you and your wife are setting will have wider influence than you might expect.
Have fun,
Carl Forde
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Post #1,002
7/6/01 1:10:01 PM
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OT! Yes!!!!
Love the picture of Zidgel :)
Jay O'Connor
[i]"Going places unmapped
to do things unplanned
to people unsuspecting"[/i]
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Post #1,015
7/6/01 2:44:54 PM
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Thinking of you and her.
I'll just reiterate what's already been said, save not to give up on the father just yet. The military can change people.
qts
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