Normalcy?

Several times this year, I've come to a place in my life where I think to myself, "now things can settle down and be normal again."

And of course, every time I've thought it, it's not happened. So I guess I'm getting paranoid about posting anywhere and trying to act like everything is normal, because the minute I believe it might be, I'm afraid it won't be anymore.

And truthfully, it's NOT normal. What's not normal is me, and how I'm feeling lately. For example, lately, I've been feeling alone. ALONE, like no one is here. That's silly of course, John is here, albeit in bed tonight, and I have friends and family, but I am still feeling isolated and alone, for some reason.

Another thing, I've felt like I've been in a hazy daze since the funeral in many respects. I feel like I can't think straight, like nothing is getting accomplished in a timely manner that needs to be, and like talking to mom lately is an exercise in preventing dizziness! I'm not sure what is going on with her and I, but we're both in circles lately with one another, and it's dizzying. Lately she makes no sense to me or me to her, it seems, and we spend half of the time clarifying and explaining what I feel should be obvious to one another. Then by the time we're clarified and explained, we're frustrated and well, done talking, or ready to stop, anyway. It's exhausting.

I was actually sick, I collapsed at church on the 19th, and found out I had bronchitis. I'm sure that was part of the hazy problem, and I was also having severe stress spasms which seems to have stopped now. (I'll be seeing my doctor on the 4th to confirm those things are both better). But I also feel like I'm either trying to race backwards in time to catch up to now, or something equally weird.

I had trouble sleeping for three weeks after the funeral, but mostly that was due to the spasms I was having which finally stopped after a double dose of Xanax (two nights in a row). I didn't tell many people, because I didn't want anyone to worry, but I was getting pretty worried myself.

I'm trying to get ready for Christmas and all it entails, and I have expectations that I think I need to lose if I want to have a good Christmas, because they depend on me and mom doing certain things together, or certain family things happening, and we aren't even caught up with things from three months ago yet. We just finally managed to get her Thank You's written for the 60th Anniversary party, for example!

I've been afraid to post anywhere about this, to state how I feel for fear someone will read it wrong, because I don't really KNOW why I feel so weird and so alone and so hazy about things. I don't know if it's grief, or stress, or the aftermath of the funeral, or what. I know people care about me, but lately I've felt like I haven't mattered very much in many cases, which is silly.

I went through a lot of different things in the last two months, and I'm afraid to talk to mom about some of them, or anyone else, really, because I don't think they would understand it all. I feel grown up and proud on some levels and like a cowering child on others, if that makes any sense. I reconnected with my family, the family I grew up with on some base level that I can't explain, and I can't even figure out how to tell THEM that. But some of me wants to.

I'm not sure what to do, either. If I had a counselor, I'd be asking him. I try to think what my counselor would say, if he were listening, he'd probably tell me I was doing fine, and all this would work itself through, but I don't know. It doesn't feel that way to me, it feels smothering, like I'm overloaded under it all, and can't escape. Not quite like depression, but something close. More like a mental overload?

I tried to call mom to talk tonight, and she first claimed she couldn't hear me, (that has been a thing lately on my phone, but everyone else I talk to hears me fine), and then I asked her if it was a bad time, and she said no, but then when I tried to talk to her she tells me that dad and her are watching a video. "Then tell me it's a bad time, mom!"

I was so frustrated. I got off the phone with her, telling her to watch video with dad, but I told her first that we hadn't talked. She said, what do you mean, I was there all day. Yes, but we haven't really TALKED since the funeral, or ever really since the 60th Anniversary party. All we've done is deal with or do about or react to the events that were happening at the time. We have not talked.

She says we'll talk tomorrow, yeah, sure we will. Lately I can't be on the phone with her without her talking to or calling something out to dad, which is really also frustrating. Maybe I'm not supposed to talk to her about it all, maybe it's supposed to just be over. I don't know anymore. I used to feel I could talk to her about anything, and lately it doesn't work, and that's scary.

It was midnight when I got off the phone, so I thought awhile and finally called a friend who listened to me, and helped me work some of the emotions out, but the feelings are still here. I have been promising myself I'll start venting in my own Yahoo group again, but I haven't been doing it, so tonight I made myself do it, gave myself permission to do it, because I feel like I'll explode if I don't.

I haven't even really had a chance to talk to John about all this, how I'm feeling, how mom is acting lately, what's been going on and being confused, etc. Guess he'll read it in the morning in my group and find out. All I've been trying to do is feel better, get back on my routine, and get things done again that are supposed to get done, and I seem to be spinning my wheels at times instead of moving forwards.

And I don't know if anyone out there is really listening, but if anyone is, and you have any idea what might be going on with me, why I might be feeling like this, please share your input? This isn't anything I know how to compare to a previous situation, it's completely different, even from my worst depressions. And well, I'm scared.

Thanks for letting me post, anyway. Guess I'll try and get some sleep. Sorry if I annoyed anyone, I'm honestly not trying to, and I'm genuinely worried.

Brenda

you cant control what happens to you, you can only control what effect it has on you.

And thanks for pointing that out again, I think it got lost in the shuffle somewhere lately. :)

Brenda

Tricky question, but I'll try and answer it.

Posting here can qualify, I guess, but the process of getting something written down or typed up helps you sort out what you're thinking. Part of the key is just to get it out; never mind too much about editing or coherency overall. I find some local editing is fine for me, but otherwise it's just stream of consciousness. And don't get stressed if you miss a day!

I used to journal ALL the time. I carried a notebook with me and you never saw me without it. I wrote everything I felt at every opportunity on a daily basis, and all of it (years and years worth) is in 3-ring notebooks in the basement.

However, when my life changed from a dark view to a light one, journaling was no longer something I seemed to need. It became less and less important to document or write down everything I felt when I was with John, because we talked about everything most of the time.

My journaling moved into two other areas, my Yahoo group, which is essentially my blog which was created to keep me in touch with people who wanted to be in touch, and only last year became sort of an unsafe place to vent. And my daily letter to John. Ever since we met, he wrote me a daily e-mail. It started on the BBS and now it's Internet, but it is very much a part of us, and a supplement to, not a substitute for conversation. So I use my daily e-mail to him to document my day, what happened, how I felt, etc. And when I write my monthly letter to all those people who enjoy getting it, I take that information from there.

You stated that posting here could qualify, well, I have resorted more to here than my own group after the fireworks with Katie and Ria last year, I admit that. I'm trying to get back though, where I can write how I feel in my group and however it gets taken, it just does.

I've been journalling on-and-off since July - right through the real start of separation and the birth of my son. It helps to get thoughts down. It makes it possible for me to put them aside without worrying if I'll forget them because they're on the page (well, in a file).

I agree, it really does help to write them down, or have other people be sounding boards to how you sound, how you feel, etc. It helps because it puts the words out there in front of you and you HAVE to face them then, because you wrote them down. I worried about writing how I was feeling in here last night because I knew that it might spiral into a serious discussion about why I should go back into therapy, but yet when I wrote it down and put it out there, I had to do something today, take some action to work on solving the problem, and I did that.

Also, several people have made it clear to me that it's very important that I talk to people about things and not to bottle it up. Amongst other things, it puts people around you who you are safe with and who care for you. And may encourage you in ways you aren't always expecting. It may be a little unorthodox, but *we* are part of your support system whilesoever you're here.

I agree here too, I know better than to bottle things up, and was sort of surprised to realize that I had almost unconsciously been holding those thoughts and fears inside. Which was another reason I forced myself to post both here and in my group, (which got me a call from Katie, by the way that really helped), and put it out there where it couldn't hide from detection anymore.

And it's funny that you point out that I feel safe with you all, and believe you care for me, (even when it doesn't always seem that way). Sometimes I wonder why I don't get down to this level with all the women on my Soap Opera group, but I don't know them as well. I haven't been around them "online" as long, and I don't know what to expect. I would probably get a lot more responses from them, for sure, than I get here sometimes, but the responses would be far less effective than the few responses I get here that do indeed kick me into motion or enlighten me about something I simply missed in the forest because I was looking at the trees.

I do try to keep your feelings in mind however, and try not to swamp things in here with my feelings or thoughts. But I don't have children to talk about their antics, I don't have a job to share my stresses about, this is what I have, my family, my life, my husband, and it's all I have to share. So yes, even though I could be attacked for some of what I say or feel, I DO feel safe in here, odd as it seems.

IWT is a known factor that I can predict to a degree, and feel comfortable with. No other group online that I'm in has that degree of security.

And before I get chewed up for not agreeing I should go back into therapy, (not really saying I shouldn't), the last thing my therapist told me, (and he retired and also gets my monthly letter by the way), was that I had all the tools I need now to cope. I just have to have the confidence to use them. I'm starting to learn that, I'm starting to draw up boundaries and say no when it's inconvenient, and that was NOTICED by people at the funeral. But when I write a post like I did the other night in here, I'm DOUBTING myself and my ability to use those tools.

Medication was never a regime for me, nothing worked without knocking me out or making me sick, and I had to learn a lot of other techniques to cope, which I'm a little rusty at using after my ordeal with my family. But I'm back on my feet, and starting to stand up for that, and feeling like I do have the tools, I just need to build up that confidence.

Thanks, and I'm still discussing all this with my doctor on the 4th. :)

Brenda