Gah, I told that one as well?

Post #214,318 by ben_tilly 7/11/05 9:10:16 PM Reply	Gah, I told that one as well? I must have been really drunk to have forgotten doing so. Well, I know I was drunk, but I guess I was more so than I realize. I probably also told the one about the Irish guy who went to a pub every Friday, bought 3 pints, and then sipped in turn from each one. After a few weeks of this the bartender asked, "Why do you do this ritual rather than ordering them one after the other like most people do?" "Well", the Irish guy says, "it is like this. Me and my two brothers are in the habit of sharing a beer every Friday. We've had to move to different parts of the world, but we've agreed to each do this in memory of each other." Well this continues for a few years without incident. Occasionally people ask about his strange behaviour, but he gives them the same story and they're satisfied. This continues until one day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The bartender, knowing the story, gets concerned and asks, "What happened? Did one of your brothers die?" "No, its nothing that serious. It's that I've just quit drinking!" A contractor comes over to a house to give a price quote. The husband and wife are showing him what needs to be done around the house. They go into the kitchen, and he breaks off to go to a window and yell out, Green side up! They move on to the bathroom and halfway through he again takes a break to go to a window and yell out, Green side up! When they're in the living room he excuses himself again but the husband stops him to ask what he is doing. "Oh, I'm sorry about this, but I have some blondes laying down lawn next door, and I don't want them to mess up again." A husband and wife were throwing a family party. Partway through they had to put their baby to bed. After the baby was asleep the wife took the opportunity to speak in private to give her husband a piece of her mind about how stressful it is to deal with his relatives, and how she dislikes them. One thing leads to another and he lets her know that she doesn't exactly come from the greatest family on Earth either. They finish their argument and then go back out into the main room, only to find that everyone is completely silent, and nothing can be heard but the soft murmur of the baby monitor. Cheers, Ben I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
Post #215,271 by imqwerky 7/17/05 10:43:05 PM 7/17/05 11:13:13 PM Reply	Okay, another volley :) Nobody accuses me of dropping the ball! ************************************************************** A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How'd you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." ******************************************** Indians They Ain't Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!" They were still arguing when the train hit them. *************************************************** Last O.J. Joke A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer...what's the holdup?" "It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?" "So far...ten gallons." Peace, Amy "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Merde Sante, what a ride!'" . Edited by imqwerky July 17, 2005, 11:13:13 PM EDT Expand All History
Post #215,281 by ben_tilly 7/17/05 11:59:51 PM Reply	Ruh, roh. You're on. If only for the pirate story. After a prolonged struggle with cancer, a woman died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "OK, I see that you've been pretty good, but to get into Heaven you'll need to answer a skill-testing question. Ready?" "OK." "How do you spell 'England'?" "E-N-G-L-A-N-D" "OK, you're in!" "That's it?" "Yeah." Over the next few months she learned that this was the norm, sometimes people would have to spell England, sometimes France, but it was generally pretty easy. Then a few months later St. Peter grabbed her and said, "I need to run a few errands, could you man the Gate for me?" "Me?" "Why not? If they get here, they probably should be let in, and you know the routine. Besides it will probably just be a couple of hours." And so it proved for the first while, souls came, she asked the obligatory question, and let them in. Then her husband came up. She was astonished, and wanted to know what happened. He said, "Well I was jetskiing on my honeymoon, and had a freak accident and broke my neck." "Whoah, back up, tell me what happened since I saw you last." "Well you remember that attractive nurse who was taking care of you?" "Yes." "Well we got to know each other while you were dying, and after you died we became an item. We just got married, and went to the Carribean for our honeymoon. I went jet-skiing, and you know the rest. What are you doing here?" "Well St. Peter needed to run an errand, so he's having me man the gates. To get in you need to answer a skill-testing question. Ready?" "Sure." "How do you spell, 'Czechoslovakia'?" A blonde had heard about ice fishing and decided to try it for herself. So she went to the nearest likely-looking patch of ice, got out her tools and began to cut a hole when a voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice! She looked around startled, but she couldn't see where the voice was coming from. So she moved, tried a different spot and started to cut. Again the voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice! Substantially shaken she got up, and tried a third spot, and again the voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice! Frightened she squeaked out, "Is that you, God?" The voice replied, No. It is the manager of the ice rink. Q: Why does Michael Jackson prefer 10 year old boys? A: Because there are 10 of them. Cheers, Ben I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
Post #215,291 by imqwerky 7/18/05 1:33:33 AM Reply	Pattinando: One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?" Peace, Amy "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Maha Bakwas, what a ride!'" .
Post #215,292 by ben_tilly 7/18/05 1:41:44 AM Reply	I thought that I told you that one! Only a Jewish kid, and the answer was, "Which service, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?" Cheers, Ben I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
Post #215,335 by imqwerky 7/18/05 11:16:51 AM Reply	Nope! I told it first. Neener neener neeeeenerrrrrrr. {Chortle} Peace, Amy "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Heilige Sheisse, what a ride!'" .
Post #215,436 by ben_tilly 7/18/05 4:40:35 PM 7/18/05 4:50:57 PM Reply	Well then... Bill Clinton was praying to God. God, this is really getting to me. I just got a blow-job and now I'll never hear the end of it. God replied, *Tell Me about it. I got a woman knocked up 2000 years ago and I still* haven't heard the end of it!** Cheers, Ben I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother) Edited by ben_tilly July 18, 2005, 04:50:57 PM EDT Expand All History
Post #215,442 by drewk 7/18/05 4:49:26 PM Reply	That should be "Tell Me", not "Tell me" ... hth, hand, yhbt === Purveyor of Doc Hope's [link\|http://DocHope.com\|fresh-baked dog biscuits and pet treats]. [link\|http://DocHope.com\|http://DocHope.com]

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