Post #214,184
7/11/05 11:15:58 AM
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And the battle begins anew!
(rolling up her sleeves)
This is going to be fun! Now that I'm not hampered by alcohol, my "spidey senses" are tingling. he he. Brain function in full throttle.... and here we goooooooooo
A old man is sitting on a park bench when along comes a punker. The kid has rainbow colored hair in a mohawk. The old geezer just sits there staring at him. Finally the punker says, "Oy, what the fuck you staring at mate?"
The old man says, "Well, in my younger days I fucked a parrot and I thought that maybe you were my kid."
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy shit, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #214,185
7/11/05 11:18:46 AM
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Jackie Martling special
you a real blonde?
yup blonde all the way
that must have burned like a bitch
thanx,
bill
Just call me Mr. Lynch \\
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #214,190
7/11/05 11:26:29 AM
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Okay, here's a better one...
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS-SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Pieces,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy shit, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #214,214
7/11/05 12:39:18 PM
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That's a modified version of a song
[link|http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiJOHNFAIR.html|http://sniff.numachi...s/tiJOHNFAIR.html]
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #214,187
7/11/05 11:21:23 AM
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Two Jews are sitting on a park bench...
and one notices that the other is reading a neo-Nazi paper.
- "What are you reading that trash for? Don't you know that they hate us!"
- "I know, I know. But according to this we run the schools, businesses and government! Can you blame an old man for wanting to hear a little good news from time to time?"
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #214,222
7/11/05 1:42:19 PM
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Another park bench joke....
An old man is sitting on a park bench when along comes a young punker with the piercings and tatoos. He is eating a greasy burger, fries, and slurping a cola.
The old man says, "Ya know, eatin' crap like that will make you die an early death!"
The punker says, "Oh yeah! Well, my old man lived a long and healthy life!"
The old man says, "By eating shit like that?"
The punker retorts, " No, by minding his own FUCKING BUSINESS!"
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy shit, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #214,243
7/11/05 2:35:19 PM
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Here's a fair joke
A husband tries out one of those machines that tells you your weight and fortune at a fair. His wife gets the card and reads out, "It says that you're intelligent, witty and handsome." She flips the card over. "It got your weight wrong as well."
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #214,298
7/11/05 6:37:36 PM
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Here's another joke lifted from a song....
A Scotsman went out drinking and got totally soused. He couldn't make it all the way home and passed out in a cemetary. Along came a couple of young lasses and had always wondered about what a Real Scot wore under his kilt, so they lifted it up and had a peek. To celebrate their little victory, one of the lasses tied a blue ribbon from one of the flower arrangements to the Scot's manhood.
When the Scot woke up to relieve himself, he saw the blue ribbon and said,"Aye laddie, I don't know where ye been me boy, but it seems ye won First Prize!"
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy shit, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #214,304
7/11/05 7:02:58 PM
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A bit of history for you...
As you know, the Scots used to be Irish until they left (the Irish claim they kicked the drunkards and trouble-makers out, the Scots claim that those with got up and go, got up and left). So they go way back.
Well one day the Irish decided to play a joke on the Scots, so they invented bagpipes knowing that the Scots were tone-deaf and would think this to be a great thing. The Scots were very pleased with this innovation and took a long time to realize that they had been had (in fact some haven't realized it yet), but when they did gave the Irish the wheelbarrow so that they'd have to work!
But history like that isn't in the theme of the thread, so now for bad jokes. I think I already told you what you call 2 Irish homosexuals (for those who don't know, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick), so here's one you probably haven't heard.
One day Tiger Woods was driving his nice new BMW through Ireland. He was low on gas so he pulled into a petrol station. The gas attendant admired the BMW and the two got into a conversation about it. At one point Tiger leaned over and 2 tees fell out of his pocket.
- "What are those for?"
- "They're for my balls."
- "Wow! BMW thinks of everything, doon't they!"
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #214,307
7/11/05 7:10:23 PM
7/11/05 7:11:22 PM
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Oh Ben....
You need some Gingko Viagra, so you can remember what the f*ck you've already said.
Come on....I know you have more in your arsenal! :)
Peace,
Amy
PS
I love the history bits, though ;)
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy shite, what a ride!'"
.
Edited by imqwerky
July 11, 2005, 07:11:22 PM EDT
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Post #214,318
7/11/05 9:10:16 PM
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Gah, I told that one as well?
I must have been really drunk to have forgotten doing so. Well, I know I was drunk, but I guess I was more so than I realize.
I probably also told the one about the Irish guy who went to a pub every Friday, bought 3 pints, and then sipped in turn from each one. After a few weeks of this the bartender asked, "Why do you do this ritual rather than ordering them one after the other like most people do?" "Well", the Irish guy says, "it is like this. Me and my two brothers are in the habit of sharing a beer every Friday. We've had to move to different parts of the world, but we've agreed to each do this in memory of each other."
Well this continues for a few years without incident. Occasionally people ask about his strange behaviour, but he gives them the same story and they're satisfied. This continues until one day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The bartender, knowing the story, gets concerned and asks, "What happened? Did one of your brothers die?" "No, its nothing that serious. It's that I've just quit drinking!"
A contractor comes over to a house to give a price quote. The husband and wife are showing him what needs to be done around the house. They go into the kitchen, and he breaks off to go to a window and yell out, Green side up! They move on to the bathroom and halfway through he again takes a break to go to a window and yell out, Green side up! When they're in the living room he excuses himself again but the husband stops him to ask what he is doing. "Oh, I'm sorry about this, but I have some blondes laying down lawn next door, and I don't want them to mess up again."
A husband and wife were throwing a family party. Partway through they had to put their baby to bed. After the baby was asleep the wife took the opportunity to speak in private to give her husband a piece of her mind about how stressful it is to deal with his relatives, and how she dislikes them. One thing leads to another and he lets her know that she doesn't exactly come from the greatest family on Earth either.
They finish their argument and then go back out into the main room, only to find that everyone is completely silent, and nothing can be heard but the soft murmur of the baby monitor.
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #215,271
7/17/05 10:43:05 PM
7/17/05 11:13:13 PM
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Okay, another volley :)
Nobody accuses me of dropping the ball!
****************************************************************
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their
adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and
an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the
enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
************************************************
Indians They Ain't
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
*****************************************************
Last O.J. Joke
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this
traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the
man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer...what's the
holdup?"
"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down
in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million
dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for
him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far...ten gallons."
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Merde Sante, what a ride!'"
.
Edited by imqwerky
July 17, 2005, 11:13:13 PM EDT
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Post #215,281
7/17/05 11:59:51 PM
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Ruh, roh.
You're on. If only for the pirate story.
After a prolonged struggle with cancer, a woman died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "OK, I see that you've been pretty good, but to get into Heaven you'll need to answer a skill-testing question. Ready?" "OK." "How do you spell 'England'?" "E-N-G-L-A-N-D" "OK, you're in!" "That's it?" "Yeah."
Over the next few months she learned that this was the norm, sometimes people would have to spell England, sometimes France, but it was generally pretty easy.
Then a few months later St. Peter grabbed her and said, "I need to run a few errands, could you man the Gate for me?" "Me?" "Why not? If they get here, they probably should be let in, and you know the routine. Besides it will probably just be a couple of hours." And so it proved for the first while, souls came, she asked the obligatory question, and let them in.
Then her husband came up. She was astonished, and wanted to know what happened. He said, "Well I was jetskiing on my honeymoon, and had a freak accident and broke my neck." "Whoah, back up, tell me what happened since I saw you last." "Well you remember that attractive nurse who was taking care of you?" "Yes." "Well we got to know each other while you were dying, and after you died we became an item. We just got married, and went to the Carribean for our honeymoon. I went jet-skiing, and you know the rest. What are you doing here?" "Well St. Peter needed to run an errand, so he's having me man the gates. To get in you need to answer a skill-testing question. Ready?" "Sure." "How do you spell, 'Czechoslovakia'?"
A blonde had heard about ice fishing and decided to try it for herself. So she went to the nearest likely-looking patch of ice, got out her tools and began to cut a hole when a voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice!
She looked around startled, but she couldn't see where the voice was coming from. So she moved, tried a different spot and started to cut. Again the voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice!
Substantially shaken she got up, and tried a third spot, and again the voice boomed out, There are no fish under the ice! Frightened she squeaked out, "Is that you, God?" The voice replied, No. It is the manager of the ice rink.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson prefer 10 year old boys?
A: Because there are 10 of them.
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #215,291
7/18/05 1:33:33 AM
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Pattinando:
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said,
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?"
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Maha Bakwas, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #215,292
7/18/05 1:41:44 AM
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I thought that I told you that one!
Only a Jewish kid, and the answer was, "Which service, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?"
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #215,335
7/18/05 11:16:51 AM
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Nope!
I told it first.
Neener neener neeeeenerrrrrrr.
{Chortle}
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Heilige Sheisse, what a ride!'"
.
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Post #215,436
7/18/05 4:40:35 PM
7/18/05 4:50:57 PM
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Well then...
Bill Clinton was praying to God. God, this is really getting to me. I just got a blow-job and now I'll never hear the end of it. God replied, Tell Me about it. I got a woman knocked up 2000 years ago and I *still* haven't heard the end of it!
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
Edited by ben_tilly
July 18, 2005, 04:50:57 PM EDT
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Post #215,442
7/18/05 4:49:26 PM
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That should be "Tell Me", not "Tell me" ... hth, hand, yhbt
===
Purveyor of Doc Hope's [link|http://DocHope.com|fresh-baked dog biscuits and pet treats].
[link|http://DocHope.com|http://DocHope.com]
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Post #216,341
7/25/05 5:30:29 PM
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That's "The Scotsman" by Bryan Bowers
a Canadian who does the whole song with no instruments and no accompanying musicians. He released the song about 20 years ago.
lincoln
"Chicago to my mind was the only place to be. ... I above all liked the city because it was filled with people all a-bustle, and the clatter of hooves and carriages, and with delivery wagons and drays and peddlers and the boom and clank of freight trains. And when those black clouds came sailing in from the west, pouring thunderstorms upon us so that you couldn't hear the cries or curses of humankind, I liked that best of all. Chicago could stand up to the worst God had to offer. I understood why it was built--a place for trade, of course, with railroads and ships and so on, but mostly to give all of us a magnitude of defiance that is not provided by one house on the plains. And the plains is where those storms come from." -- E.L. Doctorow
Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem.
[link|mailto:bconnors@ev1.net|contact me]
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Post #216,350
7/25/05 5:42:53 PM
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Which came first, the joke or the song?
I distinctly remember hearing that joke from a man who I last saw over 20 years ago. And I had the impression then that it wasn't a new joke.
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #216,391
7/25/05 9:08:35 PM
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Now I remember...
We have the song on the 20th Anniversary CD of Dr. Demento. Can't find it offhand, but it is a jolly good laugh, nonetheless.
Thank you for refreshing my memory.
Peace,
Amy
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Merde Sante, what a ride!'"
.
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