1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Never smoked anything, ever since getting car-sick as a child whenever my father smoked.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

Don't know. The only twin bed I've got is my daughter's, and that'd just be creepy.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

I never kept beer in the fridge. Vodka has a higher alcohol density, and I got free beer at the bar where I worked anyway.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

Does it count if you fall asleep in front of the TV, wake up at 6 and stumble up to bed for that last half-hour?

5. You hear you favorite song on an elevator.

I don't even have a favorite song.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

Only if my wife puts it on and I don't feel like fighting over the remote. (Okay, so I'm old and sad.)

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

I don't have friends. I use my wife's.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

But I don't take any of it.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

I don't know if any of my dress pants still fit right.

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

I'll let you know when the neighbor's kids get their own stereos.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

My father has been sneaking me off away from my mother to tell me jokes since high school.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell or White Castle closes anymore.

Small, local places have always been better for the post-party nosh. (White Spot, all the way. Charlottesville, VA.)

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

Only reason the insurance went down is I traded the sporty car for a commuter special. (Like I said, old and sad.)

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Never had a dog 'til I got married. And he gets Science Diet and McD's leftoevers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

No, but that's because I test couches by lying on them.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

I would if my wife would let me.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Half right. Dinner and a DVD.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

I can't remember the last time I had an upset stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

No, the ibuprofen comes after the pregnancy test.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

A $4.00 bottle of wine is still perfectly acceptable ... for deglazing the pan to make a sauce. Still the only use I have for wine.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

Never have. Takes too long to make, and I haven't figured out how to eat sunny-side-up eggs over corned-beef hash while driving to work.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Feh, I'm just out of practice is all.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

Considering I've been spending about an hour a day at my own desk, that's not likely.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

I learned that lesson in college. But now, I have the good liquor at home, and I already know who I'll be sleeping with, so there's not much point in going to a bar at all any more.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Nope, I found a couple. This doesn't apply to me at all. This was an AND test, not an INCLUSIVE OR, right?