1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

What's a house plant?

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

Having sex at all is a prerequisite?

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

What's beer?

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

6:00 to 10:00 AM is when I sleep best.

5. You hear you favorite song on an elevator.

What's an elevator?

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

Hm. Sounds like a TV thing. I used to watch TV.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

Only one divorce I know of. Pretty soon, it'll be "What's marriage?"

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

20 and rising.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

What's a sweater?

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

What's a stereo?

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

I only see 2 older relatives once a year, and there's not enough time to get to the sex jokes.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell or White Castle closes anymore.

They close?

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

Just bought my first car in 10 years.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

What's a dog?

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

What's a couch?

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

No longer? 6-7 PM perhaps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Dinner and a movie has always been a boring date, even the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach.

Never tried it.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

What's a drug store?

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

Hmmm. I think I bought sherry once for cooking.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

I eat breakfast food whenever I can get it. :)

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

What, Diet Coke?

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

If only there were no Counter-Strike.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

What's a bar?

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

One?