I've been sort of AWOL

Post #17,278 by mhuber 11/8/01 1:25:40 AM Reply	I've been sort of AWOL And will probably continue to be. The pregnant daughter got depressed and is hospitalized. Mentioned that the events that led to her pregnancy were not by her consent. Worm would do well to volunteer for Afghanistan - he'll get a warmer, friendlier reception from the Taliban than from me. And it turns out the ex-boyfriend who's trying to get back together with her is definitely (as in convicted and awaiting sentencing) a serial rapist, probably a drug dealer, maybe dabbles in armed robbery. The only explanation I can think of why he isn't an automatic throw-away-the-key candidate is that the war on drugs has all the cells full of losers who got caught toking a doob. Well, anyway, she's now inpatient at the loony bin. My big question is why the hell my wife and I are the only parents in the place during visiting hour? One damned hour a day. Where the hell are the other visitors? Those kids didn't get spawned like salmon. Doing the best I can. This week, I have an odd gig managing the money at a craft fair. Tommorrow's shift is 9-7. Next day is 9-9. That's open time, I get there early and stay late. Networking my introverted loner ass off trying to get some projects or possibly an actual job. Preferably projects. Went to a chamber of commerce networking breakfast today. A couple of leads, a few things falling together, but the cost in stress was extreme. On the other hand, the feeling of getting out there and doing something effective was very good. Actualy, the craft fair thing is causing me to re-think a few things - dealing with the public is actualy energizing me. Maybe I would be happier in a gig with human contact. So anyway, I haven't spent much time online lately. I probably shouldn't write like this in public, but I consider you guys friends, and well, when life sucks, what are you going to do? ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.
Post #17,279 by cforde 11/8/01 2:09:23 AM Reply	that's tough man. I have prayers & encouragement to offer. This time, like for most things, is temporary. I don't know about you, but for me, when times are hard, knowing that "this too shall pass", helps. You know why you're the only parents there. That's why you, and your daughter, will get through this. Most of the other kids there won't. Take a deep breath, hug your daughter and your wife. Know that you will get through this. Godspeed. Have fun, Carl Forde
Post #17,280 by pwhysall 11/8/01 2:55:05 AM Reply	Hang in there At the very least you know that there's a bunch of guys (and gal - apologies to any other ladies who haven't de-lurked yet) here who deeply give a shit about you and yours. That's got to be worth something. Peter Shill For Hire [link\|http://www.kuro5hin.org\|There is no K5 Cabal]
Post #17,281 by mhuber 11/8/01 3:01:27 AM Reply	Indeed, it is worth quite a bit Even though I spend very little time here lately. ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.
Post #17,284 by pwhysall 11/8/01 3:28:34 AM Reply	Don't forget yourself In trying to hold everything together in times of crisis like this, it's all to easy to forget to look after yourself. Make a little time to go down the pub and have a few beers, shoot pool and talk about football, or whatever - you need to be strong, and being strong means occasional chill-out sessions, amongst other things. Peter Shill For Hire [link\|http://www.kuro5hin.org\|There is no K5 Cabal]
Post #17,664 by mhuber 11/10/01 1:59:49 AM Reply	Point taken The pub isn't my style, and alcohol feels wrong (no buzz, just tiredness) to me right now. But I do need to remember to take some time for myself. ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.
Post #17,290 by CRConrad 11/8/01 5:33:46 AM Reply	You don't need our L, we're just sorry you're A. No prayers from me[], but you (all of you, the girl and the rest of your fambly) are in my thoughts. A tough question I suppose must have occurred to you already (but just to make sure it isn't forgotten): Is it too late to reconsider the No to abortion? Looks like events have changed the premises the roiginal decision was based on... But (sorry, I forget when it was) Time may of course have rendered it moot. In that case: Sure, being a single mother is hard -- but not impossibly so! With the support you, her parents, seem to be ready to give her, she'll come through, and so will your grandchild. Feeble attempt at cheering-up: Pregnancy depressions aren't all that unusual, I gather. And, hey, when it's a young girl (possibly with her hormones still in flux anyway), and events actually seem to be* rather deperessing... No big wonder she's disturbed at the moment. I'm sure it'll all get better soon. []: Say I'm "keeping my fingers crossed" -- hey, as I see it, the chances of that helping are as good as those of a prayer. Christian R. Conrad* The Man Who Knows Fucking Everything
Post #17,293 by ben_tilly 11/8/01 7:26:37 AM Reply	I am sorry to hear about that I don't think that there is anything I can say which will help as much as knowing that there is another person out there who cares. The best of luck to both you and your daughter. It sounds like both of you need it. Ben
Post #17,296 by Silverlock 11/8/01 8:38:07 AM Reply	Mental waves of support being sent right now. Life is tough. But it can also be a joy. You go on. That's it, you just go on. Eventually things get better. Don Richards, recipient of the ABBA.
Post #17,298 by boxley 11/8/01 8:46:22 AM Reply	Hey guy Thought I had problems, cant say anything useful that you dont already know, take care, email me if you wish, Give ya my number if you want to yak sometime. Thanx, bill tshirt front "born to die before I get old" thshirt back "fscked another one didnja?"
Post #17,302 by admin 11/8/01 9:18:41 AM Reply	Hang tough. We're here if you need us. Regards, -scott anderson
Post #17,305 by Yendor 11/8/01 9:52:32 AM Reply	Keep on keepin' on... Best to you and yours. You're all in my thoughts. Things will get better. It's all a matter of time. -YendorMike "The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by the skeptics or the cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need people who dream of things that never were." - John F. Kennedy
Post #17,311 by Another Scott 11/8/01 10:21:48 AM Reply	Keep looking ahead. Hi Mike, As others have said here, I too wish you and your daughter the best of luck. Things will get better. Just keep that thought in your head and work toward the end you desire. It's always good to hear from you here. But don't sweat your lack of time. Take care. Cheers, Scott.
Post #17,316 by bepatient 11/8/01 10:54:04 AM Reply	All above sentiments are shared... ...and on a little lighter note... Have you tried yoga? Having a teenage daughter myself I can understand (maybe not to the same level) the desire to want to take this guy and twist him into a pretzel...so maybe you could try twisting yourself into one first? They say its very calming. Of course...that never worked for me either;-) You were born...and so you're free...so Happy Birthday! _{Laurie Anderson} [link\|mailto:bepatient@aol.com\|BePatient]
Post #17,318 by inthane-chan 11/8/01 11:21:18 AM Reply	One more shout out... ...you know if you need anything, just let us know. My wife works as a child therapist, and she's convinced that most of the problems that her kids are having really are the fault of the parents - but the parents don't want to hear it. This is most definitely not the case in your case, and if anything, it should reaffirm your feeling that You are Doing the Right Thing, no matter who else is screwing up their lives. Take care of your daughter, and give her all our love. "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Post #17,322 by a6l6e6x 11/8/01 11:44:30 AM Reply	Hang on, Mike. I'm sorry to hear things are worse than originally believed. It may or may not help, but you will be in our thoughts. As has been said, this too shall pass. Alex Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
Post #17,336 by Ashton 11/8/01 12:40:01 PM Reply	Bummer. Silver-lining though. You seem to have been given more than %share% of the current world brain-fart, but you are equipped to handle it. My mater had a kinda non-denominational faith in the Great Unimaginable Entity, and was wise in several ways (which we punk kids only realize.. later) [] Always tests the strong, she'd say - but never quite beyond capacity..* Insight you have - and it will be enough. Your daughter is fortunate, and maybe even at her age, she'll begin to notice that earlier than most (!) I second BeeP, whether Yoga or a number of variants which help you notice certain internal strengths - there's a lot of lore demonstrating that: those strengths are Real. The kid will indeed have a much better chance with your guidance around and especially - without the guaranteed fuckupedness of the brain-dead, as would only have killed a lot of those chances. (Some folks you don't have to meet, to 'know' - y'know?) (There's a certain satisfaction that I'd bet you'll soon notice.. in looking bad shit like this in its malignant Eye and saying - piss-off! The beauty is: this isn't logical but...) Cheers, Ashton
Post #17,343 by drewk 11/8/01 1:15:29 PM Reply	Hang in there Thanks for the update, but no need to feel you should apologize. I just hope when you make time again it's with new that things are improving. Keep taking care of your daughter. I'm sure you know that's the most important thing. We have to fight the terrorists as if there were no rules and preserve our open society as if there were no terrorists. -- [link\|http://www.nytimes.com/2001/04/05/opinion/BIO-FRIEDMAN.html\|Thomas Friedman]
Post #17,347 by Brandioch 11/8/01 1:29:11 PM Reply	Massive sympathies. I have a friend like that. Something you might want to consider, writing cards and letters to her that she can read when you're not around (lots of hours in the day with nothing to do in those places). As for the others, it depends. Some of them are in there because their parents are the type who wouldn't come and visit. :(
Post #17,363 by tseliot 11/8/01 2:38:50 PM Reply	Don't worry about time online We'll continue to be your support whether you write us or not ;) Hang in there--find some strength in your service to others; it's all that keeps me going some days. --------------------------------- A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly by the chain of their own ideas;...despair and time eat away the bonds of iron and steel, but they are powerless against the habitual union of ideas, they can only tighten it still more; and on the soft fibres of the brain is founded the unshakable base of the soundest of Empires." Jacques Servan, 1767
Post #17,407 by static 11/8/01 7:18:53 PM Reply	2c deposited. It seems trite to say "me too", but there you are, I guess. I'll have someone pray for you and yours. It's the least I can do. Wade. "All around me are nothing but fakes Come with me on the biggest fake of all!"
Post #17,478 by slugbug 11/9/01 10:49:47 AM Reply	Yes, hang tough, Mike! As was noted....this too shall pass. -slugbug
Post #17,557 by kmself 11/9/01 4:09:15 PM Reply	We're here You know where to find us, on-board or off. Shout if there's a need. `-- Karsten M. Self [link\|mailto:kmself@ix.netcom.com\|kmself@ix.netcom.com] What part of "gestalt" don't you understand?`
Post #17,611 by tuberculosis 11/9/01 6:53:29 PM Reply	This too shall pass I'm seeing bits of encouragement in the job market in various corners. I look for things to thaw a bit early next year. I gotta echo CRC's suggestion on abortion if its at all doable. Your daughter has enough to deal with and as a new-ish reluctant parent myself, in no way does adding a child to your life improve your mental stability.
Post #17,662 by mhuber 11/10/01 1:52:32 AM Reply	Too late She's too far along. I wish we had known sooner. The outcome might have been the same, but with more informed thought. We reminded her of the adoption option. She does not seem to emotionaly connect the baby with how it got there. She's seen the ultrasound pictures, picked out names. She wants the kid. And she knows how hard it is to raise one. The idea scares her - which is good - but she wants to go for it anyway. I'm doing better. She's in until Monday at least. This is the first day I've missed visiting hours (I was head cashier at a craft fair - helping a friend and making a few bucks) but she had Auntie Jo (a dear family friend who has claimed the honerary "Auntie" title) over instead. Probably better that she get love from a wider circle anyway. There are lots of good people who love her. She knows that in her head, but that's not enough. Many thanks to all of you for your support, prayers, and thoughts. I'll get through this, but I'm terrified that she might end it all for herself. ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.
Post #17,695 by CRConrad 11/10/01 6:36:03 PM Reply	Tell her about Ben K, perhaps? About how a decision like that affects not only oneself, I mean, but can leave a whole lot of other folks sadder. You've got the material on here to show her how his "end[ing] it all for h[im]self" affected many of us... If she gets to honestly evaluate how many people -- friends and family --would feel the same way about her, then that would, seen from the opposite viewpoint, also show she's got a lot to live for, no? No didactic absolutes here, of course, just a suggestion... But I can't help thinking it makes sense. Unless, of course, you see reason to fear that even mentioning it would bring up a possibility she hadn't actually considered before. Tricky, that... Man, how I wish I could be more help! Christian R. Conrad The Man Who Only Knows Fucking Everything In His Fucking .Sig
Post #17,720 by mhuber 11/10/01 10:08:16 PM Reply	Already did, in happier times And it may well have been part of why she's in a hospital instead of a cemetary. I feel pretty good about that - I'd be afraid to bring it up at a time like this, but because we talk about what is on our minds, she already knew the story. ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.
Post #17,766 by orion 11/11/01 3:11:38 PM Reply	I hope that things get better I am coming out of my own depression. About 1/3rd of US Citizens suffer from a form of Depression. I can understand why she is depressed if the father didn't get her concent, and impregnated her. It is also sad to see that the other parents are not visiting their kids. Kudos to you for visiting your daughter in some of her darker days in her life. I was lucky enough to have parents that visited me when I was a teenager and hospitalized for depression. Most, it seemed, didn't. This was back in the 1980's. I think it is because most people don't understand what depression is or how to deal with it. Listen to what the doctor and staff tell you about it, read any booklets they give you on it. Help your daughter out as best as you can. You seem to me to be very intelligent, and I know that you can help your daughter out after she gets released. Having the family support is important to the depressed person. About that guy, yes I too wish that he get sent to Afghanistan or that he faces justice and has to pay for his crimes. Good luck, while I may not have the same problems as your daughter, I am proof that people can get over a depression or control it and try to get back to a normal life. Whatever normal is. :) *Picking up the pieces of my broken life.*
Post #17,856 by GBert 11/12/01 10:07:19 AM Reply	You are a wonderful person I've been struck many times over the years by your insights and world view. I believe your daughter must know deep down how lucky she is to have you for her father and be greatly comforted by that. I went through a (much less anxious) life-changing event last May -- I was hit by a car while bicycling and had serious injuries all but one of which I've pretty much recovered from. That I could so easily have been killed or reduced to a vegetable but wasn't has made dealing with the depression and loss and dependency somewhat tricky -- looking on the bright side is good but there's still a lot of bad to deal with, and this has led to re-examining my sitz im leben (if that's how it's spelled) -- an ongoing project. My own introverted loner ass has been screaming for company and intimacy and connection with the people I live with and love. Peace be with you, brother. Giovanni
Post #17,872 by Another Scott 11/12/01 11:12:02 AM Reply	Wow. Have you mentioned this before? I don't recall seeing it. Wow. :-( You're an important part of this community, Giovanni. I'm glad we didn't lose you! I hope you make a full recovery. Bicycling is a wonderful way to pass the time. I hope you're able to do it again without fear nor pain. Best wishes, Scott.
Post #17,935 by GBert 11/12/01 4:11:53 PM Reply	Thank you Scott I hadn't mentioned my accident before -- I ended up erasing several water cooler posts. Not ready to deal with it here yet I guess. I was hit hard by a car that ran a red light -- we never saw each other because there was a van in the left lane to my left as I waited for my light to turn green. When the traffic light turned green, I slowly started to go and next thing I knew I was coming to in the road in terrific pain. I had a hard time realizing what had happened because there had been no traffic at all on the road I was crossing. The car hit the front of my bicycle at speed and whiplashed my left side into it as it went by. My suspicion is that the car's right sideview mirror smashed into my left shoulderblade. The driver stopped and several others who witnessed it called for help -- I came to just as the EMS were arriving. It was one of those surreal experiences -- at first I thought I was having a nightmare in bed, then as I heard voices and things the thought crossed my mind "this is just what they say it's like when you come to after an accident" and then of course it really was. My left shoulder was severely torn up with several fractures of the upper humerus, rotator cuff, and shoulder blade; also I broke two ribs and a vertebra; I also had a wrenched knee and a knock on the side of the head (the left earpiece of my glasses had a sharp little dent in it). No brain damage -- no spinal damage. I've had a couple operations on my left shoulder and I have been cycling for a month and a half now. The only permanent damage seems to be that the nerve serving the left deltoid (the shoulder muscle that raises the arm sideways) was completely severed behind the shoulderblade, so I will most likely lose that function. Bummer yes, but considering that my shoulder is six inches from my neck and head, not a bad deal. Also, if I had been a foot or so faster into the intersection, the car would have slammed into my body instead of the front of the bike, and I could easily have had massive internal injuries. As it is I am cycling, walking normally and even running a little (my knee gets sore if I run too long -- it's been getting better) and I'm in better shape than I've been in a long time. There have been some strange side-effects. I feel more emotional than I did before. The Sept 11 attacks hit me I think harder than they would have -- at the same time as they reinforced my feeling of how lucky I've been. I've had lots of ups and downs: insecurities I didn't even suspect I had surfaced and toyed with me. I feel closer and more in love with my wife than I've felt in years -- we have talked about things we didn't talk about ever, both good and bad: hard times, anger, frustrated expectations -- many things that happened over the past 13 years. Watching my kids in ballet class a couple weeks ago I felt proud and lucky and at the same time sad and angry that I can't do such a simple thing as raise both arms out to the sides. But there it is. Except for the first couple weeks when I really couldn't, I've been checking in here pretty regularly, mostly in lurk mode -- more infrequently than before, but consistently. I do feel like this bunch is special, and I'm glad I've been a part of it for so long. Everybody hang in there! Giovanni
Post #17,970 by a6l6e6x 11/12/01 8:33:55 PM Reply	If it had to happen at all, you appear to have faired... well and hopefully, in time, recover more fully. I know of case here in Charlotte, North Carolina where a woman driver passed and then made a right turn in front of a cyclist. The collision was not high speed, but he has not able to ride again. Consider becoming more emotional a bonus. In some ways, you will live more fully. Technical folks like most of us, myself included, tend to suppress our emotions and suffer for it in our relations with others. Alex Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
Post #17,877 by ChrisR 11/12/01 11:30:41 AM Reply	My son... ...got hit by a car in September biking on his way to school. Fortunately, he was in a school zone so the traffic was moving pretty slow. In his case, though, it was his own dang fault and not the car's - he went through a red light. Last year it was a four way stop, and for some reason it didn't register in his teenage mind that it was now a traffic light. Scared the heck out of me. He was quite lucky - He takes on a moving vehicle and barely gets a scratch. (Heck, I fall five feet and will be on crutches for another month or so - gravity and terra firma being my only foe). Here's hoping we all make it over the rough patches. Times like these builds character - but they sure are a pain when you're in the midst of them.
Post #17,878 by Steve Lowe 11/12/01 11:31:20 AM Reply	Keep your chin up. Can't say anymore than what's already been said. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. ----- Steve
Post #18,380 by mhuber 11/15/01 12:41:29 AM Reply	Thanks, everybody The words of support helped. And things are improving a bit. Daughter is home. Kim has almost convinced me we can survive without me getting another full time job. Not quite, though. I'll be sending out resumes. One of them to a guy who was my boss on my first job. I went through several bosses that job, ended up on top and fired myself. Another guy who ended up at the top at that company sued the company for abusive policies towards employees. The policies were his. Yeah, he sued himself. Never heard whether he won. Anyway, this one guy (in retrospect, probably the most sane and competent person ever to lead that company) is working at what I hope (and I will verify...) is a saner company which needs a tech writer. The craft fair gig was a blast. Utterly exhausting, but energizing. Caused me to re-evaluate myself. I guess I'm more of a people person than I thought. My cousin and I have a couple of proposals in the works, maybe some intersting work if they come through. ---- "You don't have to be right - just use bolded upper case" - annon.

Welcome to IWETHEY!