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New While not a professional editor
I did quite a bit of tutoring in college and you seem not to have fallen into any of the more obvious writing traps. I would like to see more. Especially in regards to how you handle dialogue and internal monologues. Also, from the snippet provided, this seems like an intriguing story and I would like to read more just to satisfy my own curiosity as to what the story is about.
I think the single most compelling piece of evidence for global warming is that Fox News viewers think it's a hoax.
New a shortish (>2500 words) additional passage
I'm rather pleased with, and which sneaks in a lot of the backstory in the form of a commencement address, can be found here:

https://dl.dropboxus...79/the_speech.pdf

(Its five pages display in a two-page spread format I don't have time to defeat, so must be read left-right-down; rinse and repeat)

cordially,
New holds together well
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free American and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 58 years. meep
New Well done. Thanks for sharing.
     genre fiction - (rcareaga) - (11)
         Are you part of any writing communities? - (static)
         beats some of the crap I havve been reading lately - (boxley)
         Promises intrigue, of the sort which (one always hopes..) - (Ashton)
         Happy to read more and comment - (malraux) - (1)
             Re: Happy to read more and comment - (rcareaga)
         While not a professional editor - (Silverlock) - (3)
             a shortish (>2500 words) additional passage - (rcareaga) - (2)
                 holds together well -NT - (boxley)
                 Well done. Thanks for sharing. -NT - (Another Scott)
         Re: genre fiction - (rcareaga)
         time's up - (rcareaga)

Mere flesh wound. Have at you!
60 ms