First off, you do not know the whole picture or all the deamons that I have fought my entire life.

I was able to quit smoking and drinking, and I did what I could to improve on myself. Some things I may not be able to improve on. My former employer thought that I was not meeting my true potential, whatever that was, which may be true, but the reason why I cannot meet that potential has to do with my depression, and other medical issues, plus the fact that management was not willing to work with me to get around or work around them. You can sit there on your side of the screen and lay 100% of the blame on me and my attitude all you want, I know for a fact that there is a lot I cannot control. Do I want to change? H*ll yes! Can I change? I've tried for a long time, since I was a child. My doctor says I have improved in many areas, but I still need improvement. Is this something I can do in a short time? I do not think so. I had a better attitude before I worked for the lawfirm, in 1997. After working there the job drained all my self respect, all my patience, my will to live, and my happiness, etc. I became the creature that you outlined in your post, after working for four and a half years for the lawfirm. You cannot place 100% of the blame on me.

Whining? Maybe. My illness makes me blurt stuff out sometimes, and blurt it out in forums on the Internet like this one. TMI some have said, but I just cannot stop myself.

Which would be better for my wife and son, a majorly depressed Norm, or a dead Norm? Right now, there is no other alternative. As soon as I change that tape in my head, the illness changes it back. I cannot see my doctor over this due to scheduling conflicts and insurance switching. If I go into a hospital, I'll lose the current job. I have no safety net to fall back on, so I am marching into the face of the enemy with no support and no help. The only thing that has saved me thus far is that when I get suicidal I tell someone, and something gets done to prevent me from offing myself. If I just held it in and didn't whine or complain, I would have died when I was a teenager.

yes I have made mistakes, and I have tried to learn from them. Apparently I tick people off without even trying. So much that there are a group of people after me, and spoofing me on the Yahoo Clubs and Message boards, using my real name, address, phone number, and other stuff they collected on me on the Yahoo areas. Yahoo does not give a sh*t about it, and their Clubs and Message boards are almost total anarchy. They never returned any of my phone calls or emails about the subject. A lot of the stuff, the spoofers made up about me to make me look bad.

I am not just going to get better overnight, I got a brain chemesty imbalance that needs to be treated with medicine. It had been suggested that I take EST or CT to treat it, but I think such meathods are those of quackery. Nobody is going to shock me or pour chemicals into my brain or body.