[...]

My friend hurled invective at Ron Paul whenever he came on the screen. "He's our Kucinich," he said.

Wait: Tom Tancredo's not the Republican Kucinich? Maybe Tancredo is the Republican Gravel. We need to nail this down.

Let's face it: Not only are most of these guys completely obscure, they also look exactly the same. They're aging Caucasian men with jowls. Several of them are fighting for a starting position on the All-Jowl Team.

Except, of course, Mitt Romney, with his perfect, comic-book jawline. He looks almost aerodynamic, like something manufactured by Boeing.

Having one guy without jowls is what the Republican party leadership calls "diversity."

The large Republican and I thought McCain did poorly. He seemed uncomfortable. He made the tactical decision to stare directly into the camera, to connect with the viewers, but he came off a bit hot, a bit intense, like he might crawl out of the screen and throttle someone. Starting with Osama:

'On the subject of Osama bin Laden, he's responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans. He's now orchestrating other attacks on the United States of America. We will do whatever is necessary. We will track him down. We will capture him. We will bring him to justice, and I will follow him to the gates of hell.'

He must have known that last bit sounded a bit over the top, because he quickly forced a smile.

[...]