I'm sorry that your place of worship has become another place of stress for you.

Thanks, it's really been a shock because I thought I could trust this pastor.

John knows you better than any of us. What does he think you should do?

Well, he agrees on the extended leave for awhile, get myself back together. I don't think he was too happy that they caused a panic attack to happen where he found me on the floor hyperventilating, but he did call the deacon back to tell him I was allright, because I'm sure the deacon didn't intend to cause that, he had no idea how I would react as I'm not terribly close with him.

You can visit with your friends and mom without it being at the church. They can get along without you for a while.

Yes, they can, but they are a strong pull and the other thing is it sort of feels like I've left them to the wolves... i.e. they were supposed to get the song information for the bulletin without me being in the middle (as I've been for a very long time), and hence there was no song information given to the bulletin maker, the songs were blank, and the lines of communication broke down. But the problem is they never really existed before this. I was the main link in the chain of communication, I communicated between them and the pastor and his wife.

Try to look a few steps ahead. What do you think is most likely to happen if you talk to the deacon or preacher about what happened? Do you think it will result in changes that lessen the stress you feel? Will it make it worse? Will it change anything at all? What does John think will happen?

Well, the preacher I am more or less done talking to, because I don't appreciate the things he's been saying to me lately. The deacon however, I see as a pawn and I feel that he was used to attack me, and he probably genuinely thought the accusations were true. And I know he didn't mean to cause me a panic attack, but he had no idea that telling me to forget the conversation ever happened and not to even tell my mom about it would trigger that sort of no-win situation. There was no way I could have done that, I had gotten upset all over again and mom would have known. I just don't want him to think this was all his fault, as I still view it as all engineered by the pastor accusing me in the first place and having the deacon confront me.

If they confront the pastor tomorrow night and get some answers about what will be going on, things could get better as long as I stay out of the chain of communication between them and the pastor. I intend to discuss that with the bulletin maker soon, and tell her that I want to get out from the middle as completely as I can.

And unless the pastor's wife starts giving me enough information to be able to play the songs with her, or stops changing keys on a whim, and etc., I would not be playing the main service with her.

But if I did none of those things, I could still, IF I can cope with the atmosphere, play the prelude and offertory with my mom. I'm still not sure what to do about the PA if I do come back, that's a wild card issue there.

John doesn't know what will happen, but he also thinks that enough regular core people are upset about all this that we should not make any major decisions until after tomorrow night's meeting. Or barring that, let them float on their own a few weeks... (last week's service was a mess with no song numbers in the bulletin, the songs having been chosen THAT MORNING, and her throwing in songs that none of the congregation knew except their friends whom they are trying to mold the service to please at the expense of the rest of the original members.

You can't change people. You can only change yourself. You'll continue to be under a lot of stress as long as you think that you can fix people - it's a hopeless battle.

I don't really think I can change or fix people. I'm not sure where you got that idea. I just think maybe there have been a number of misunderstandings, and it also seems quite often that the left hand (pastor's wife) of the church doesn't know what the right hand (Pastor) is doing. For example, it was told to the rest of the music department that the wife would be choosing the songs early in the week, but the wife informed my mom Sunday morning she had just learned about this task being hers.

The hardest thing for me though would be going back and being just an observer as it were, not playing or running the PA, I think that would feel really weird.

BTW I apologize to everyone here that this thread started to become more about my personal life than I intended. I had started it out as a healthy rant and looking for opinions about my church situation, but when it started to affect my health, well...that changed things a lot.

But I do appreciate all your opinions and I'm taking them all under consideration. Right now I guess I have to wait and see if we find anything out or if the core members have recourse against the situation. Meanwhile, researching new churches isn't a bad idea. ;)

Brenda

That would raise a few eyebrows. But honestly, I'm not up to attending, I still haven't gotten my heart to stop trying to race since Saturday, and only started the anti-anxiety med yesterday. Plus all this has triggered a nice migraine.. grrrr.

Waiting until the Wednesday night meeting is a good idea. If you're up to attending as an observer only, that would be good. I suggest that you make it clear to the deacon - in person and in in front of trusted witnesses - that you are withdrawing from all service *because* of the senior pastor's behaviour. This is, unfortunately, a type of game playing, but the deacon has let himself stay involved and must therefore play. But you don't have to.

I did make it clear to the deacon on Saturday (before I had the panic attack) that I was upset with the senior Pastor's behavior, and I explained why in detail and told him I have proof of some of it in e-mail from the pastor's wife. Unfortunately, I suspect the deacon is going to be of little help because he's of the type that likes to avoid conflict. And I agree, I don't have to play their game. Being a non-member means they have little or no control over me, other than to let me do or not do something regarding particpating in the service. Almost makes me glad I never officially joined yet.

(Why I haven't joined is a long story butin a nutshell, I came here to heal after my last church closed, and the pastor whom I had known for so many years left soon after I came back so I have yet to see any stabilization here that would make me feel comfortable about joining officially.)

SIDE NOTE: I have never known how to deal with punctuation and parentheses... Conrad, are you reading this, does the punctuation go inside or outside of the parentheses if it ends a sentence?)

I have no voice at the meeting due to not being a member, so I think I would find it hard to keep my mouth shut if I did go. ;) Besides, my mom would be mortified. Hehe!

The people who have some power to do something, and who are my friends, have told me to sit tight, trust them and let them see what they can do...so that's what I'm trying to do.

And you need to spend some personal time with God asking if He wants you stay there. That's important. Running away when He wants you to stay will just defer the problem, sometimes for years. If He wants you to stay, He will give you the strength to see it out.

Believe me, I've been doing that too. I can't seem to determine for certain what He wants me to do here, but I am trying. I'm thinking perhaps tonight's meeting would be a sign or something. If He wants me to stay, I think something will get accomplished that will enable that. If He doesn't, I think maybe I'll have a clue by tonight. I do know though, that He doesn't want me to stay if doing so makes me sick.

Thanks for your comments, and even though patience isn't my strong point, I'm trying to have some. :)

Brenda