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New So we probably shouldn't use the word death then
I mean when we see her again (probably next week).

Thanks for explaining it, Boxley.

Brenda



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
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"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New umm no, use dead and death all you want
she just doesnt understand what the adults understand about it, its just a description like "granma went to australia to live with the aboriginies" would have the same effect as "greandma is dead". It doesnt mean the same thing to her as you.
thanx
bill
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 50 years. meep
New But don't say "went to sleep"
If you tell a kid it's like she went to sleep and will never wake up, the kid will be afraid to sleep. Don't do that.
===

Kip Hawley is still an idiot.

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New I actually wondered about that phrase
The family was describing her death as "she just closed her eyes and went peacefully to sleep" but I don't recall them saying that around children, just adults.

I'm wondering if the best option for handling this is to ask her mother Jane what was actually told to her about Jeffie, so we can stay consistent.

To make matters worse, the night after the funeral, Jane came home to find their beloved old dog had had a stroke, and he had to be "put to sleep." I wonder how they differentiated that between Jeffie and the dog.

I'm the first to admit I know next to nothing about kids, but I know I do not want to do anything to scare her more or make anything worse. I'm actually hoping that maybe she won't bring up losing Grandma if we go over there for Thanksgiving, but if she does, I want to know the best way to respond.

Thanks for all the input, I'm taking it all in and trying to handle it in the best way possible. Talking about it seems to have alleviated some of the haunting visions however, but reminded me of another terrified child I comforted once upon a time years back when her parents became violent at one another, which was often.

Odd that the two children I've ever connected with or that have connected with me, have seen so much pain and tragedy and suffering.

Brenda






"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New Your wonderings are just the tip of an iceberg
(I trust you realize.)

While a tyke this age will learn / at least be exposed to ~ethics, by watching parents - what they do, more than what they say - inculcation of fav religious tenets would presumably await the development of her senses, in any sane household. But, you Do Not Know! what has been fed here, along with the easter bunny, etc.

Problem IMO is.. when, early-on -- waay to early to reason or even chat about the ephemeral -- 'death' [the phenomenon] is intricately entwined with 'guaranteed resurrection if-you-don't piss-off-god'. Then follows the Terror implications if-you-Do piss-off-god. What a Petri dish for infantile imaginations to run with, filling in all those blanks. Vividly, as in nightmares.

The "going to sleep" confusion is often a cynical manipulation to sell a creed to an innocent. With [death] being utterly misunderstood/misunderstandable: for some, we see that such confusion can set the stage for a life filled with neurotic stuff to settle.



Scary, innit? - especially in a place where lawyers once outnumbered engineers 10:1. (Might be 30:1 by now.)

Luck in feeling your way through this minefield. ;-{

New Thank you Ashton. :) Laura, Amy, can I ask your input?



"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New This is my perspective on the whole thing
Don't try to read her mind. Rather than conjecturing on what the child is thinking/going through, just be there to listen. And never, ever, talk down to a child. Kids hate to be patronized like that. If you see that she is troubled, ask her what she is thinking or if she wants to talk about it. Better yet, just sit down with some crayons and blank paper and start drawing. You will be amazed at how kids can express their feelings through art.

I'm thinking you are troubled because you see yourself as that little girl and it is bringing back some painful memories. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve, both for the memories and for the recent death.

My suggestion about getting rid of the haunting face is to tap into your spirituality and visualize the child at peace because you love her so much. For that, she is truly blessed.


Smile,
Amy
New Re: This is my perspective on the whole thing
Don't try to read her mind. Rather than conjecturing on what the child is thinking/going through, just be there to listen. And never, ever, talk down to a child. Kids hate to be patronized like that. If you see that she is troubled, ask her what she is thinking or if she wants to talk about it. Better yet, just sit down with some crayons and blank paper and start drawing. You will be amazed at how kids can express their feelings through art.


Never ever talk down to a child. I'm not exactly sure what that means, could you elaborate or could someone explain it better? I have very little experience with kids. I like the crayon idea though. :)

I'm thinking you are troubled because you see yourself as that little girl and it is bringing back some painful memories. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve, both for the memories and for the recent death.


I think you may be right. Another friend of mine suggested that maybe I felt a lot of empathy for her. And they would be right, as I know how that felt, to see my parents fall apart like hers were.

My suggestion about getting rid of the haunting face is to tap into your spirituality and visualize the child at peace because you love her so much. For that, she is truly blessed.


Thank you Amy, you have really helped me see things another way entirely. :)I'm not sure if we're seeing her next week now or not, but at least if we do, I have some idea what to do. :)

Brenda




"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- By Geoffrey F. Abert
****************************

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter - and those who matter, don't mind." -- By Dr. Seuss
***********************************

"Sometimes it takes a whole lot more strength to walk away than to stand there and fight." -- By the character of John Abbott: said on Young & Restless on 5/19/06
*********************************
New Talking down
Very often adults speak to children in a condescending way. Children are very bright and it is better to talk to a child using correct words and phrases than to euphemize.

In other words, talk to a child as though he/she has a functioning intellect. More often than not, that is the case.
Smile,
Amy
     I'm haunted by her face...(maybe I need a mom's opinion?) - (Nightowl) - (16)
         the girl was reacting to the emotions around her - (boxley) - (15)
             What Box says. - (a6l6e6x)
             So she wasn't experiencing real grief? - (Nightowl) - (13)
                 father died - (boxley) - (12)
                     If you comprehend 'death' - (Ashton) - (2)
                         bad phrasing - (boxley) - (1)
                             My. -NT - (imric)
                     So we probably shouldn't use the word death then - (Nightowl) - (8)
                         umm no, use dead and death all you want - (boxley) - (7)
                             But don't say "went to sleep" - (drewk) - (6)
                                 I actually wondered about that phrase - (Nightowl) - (5)
                                     Your wonderings are just the tip of an iceberg - (Ashton) - (4)
                                         Thank you Ashton. :) Laura, Amy, can I ask your input? -NT - (Nightowl) - (3)
                                             This is my perspective on the whole thing - (imqwerky) - (2)
                                                 Re: This is my perspective on the whole thing - (Nightowl) - (1)
                                                     Talking down - (imqwerky)

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