causing your panic. Might not be so obvious to figure out-at least not on your own.

Seems to me you are very comfortable soliciting support from your online friends, and that's great because we all need a support network, but make sure you dont replace this support for real professional help. You've been suffering for a long time, Brenda. Online feedback is nice and it lets you know people care about you, but I wonder if this is enough to get you on the road to feeling better.

The problem Laura, is that I was already in therapy since 1980, with only a short break where I wasn't, to learn these things. And I've learned them, I mean, I have a good grasp on what causes the panic attacks, and what causes the problems... right now I'm just frustrated because I think there's too much anxiety for even my coping methods to handle. So my goal is trying to reduce anxiety in any directions possible to get there.

When I was released from therapy in Dec of 2003, my counselor told me that I just had to learn to believe in myself and trust my judgment and decisions. So I'm still working on that area. He also told me that someday, someday I would have to face up to my problem regarding being afraid of anger both in myself and in others... guess he was right. ;)

In some ways, I'm so remarkably better it's funny how it compares to the panic attacks of the last few days. I got up at 9:30 this morning, something I've been unable to do for months. I got busy, did my routine, took care of business, and am mentally fine today at this point (as in not experiencing the depressed feelings I've been having for 2 weeks now). This doesn't mean I guess, that my body still isn't on the edge and could be triggered easily, I suspect it can be. But I still think it spells progress in some areas.

Heck, I even braved some new anxiety today by putting on my new white boots and took back my front porch from the fleas. I'm sure the fleas are all dead by now, but my body didn't believe me... so I walked out there and proved it. I'm proud of that... as someone else in here said once, baby steps... little baby steps.

July 17th I had a panic attack that deteriorated into a screaming crying crazy mess. Yesterday I had the start of a panic attack that I stood on my feet during and managed not to scream or make it crazy... and was even able to tell the person that I would have one if they pursued me with the issue.

I'm not substituting online support for real knowledge and information. I'm only asking for online support because my family is so divided at this point about all of the issues involved, and the only person in my family who is soldidly behind me is John. I'm reading the books, I'm implementing the techniques and they seem to be working. I think my body is just trying to tell me to find a solution ASAP... and believe me, I'm trying.

Speaking of which, I've been writing up a possible proposal to make the Reunion Committee work. I would really like some input on it from you guys, since you are all very business-sense oriented. Where would I post it for such approval? It's not really a job-related thing, so I wasn't sure where to put it.

Brenda