Then who is it that becomes the polititian ?

Post #160,871 by dmarker 6/21/04 6:52:17 PM Reply	Then who is it that becomes the polititian ? The problem in situations like this is turning it into something bigger than it is. Daughter issued an invite to her dad on father's day - questioning her motives and making assumptions is challenging. At face value it is perfectly legit. Issue of Daughter & step-mom is between them & dragging dad into any issue they have is playing politics but that doesn't override daughter's legit right to Father's day dinner invitation to her dad. If dad is in a reasonable position to accept then why not. He may or may not want to make comments to her on why others are being excluded but remember that Father's day is exactly that & daughter has some reasonable right to offer the invite so she can have special time just with her Father. As for other sibling, again any issue between inviting daughter & other sibling is between them & for them to deal with. If Dad insists that he won't attend unless with an uninvited guest then everyone is politicising the event and allowing it to driver deeper divisions than already exist. But to decide to piss everyone off as a 'payback' is a cut--your-nose-off-to-spite-your-face act of stupidity. But for outsiders who are not emotionally involved or committed to the relationships involved, such an act of stupidity may seem justifiable. Cheers Doug (yup I have a daughter who is very cool to my 2nd wife (even though my 1st wife & 2nd get on reasonably well). I do get miffed when my daughter or 2nd wife try to get 'political' in regard to the other and I politely let them know it & that I see it for what it is. I can't stop it, that is up to them. I do what I can to mitigate it but that is all I can reasonably do. Sad fact of life.) _________________________________________________________ "Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!". -- Leonardo Da Vinci
Post #160,914 by ben_tilly 6/21/04 10:10:22 PM Reply	Every family is different I come from a pretty complex family with lots of interesting conflicts, and the way that I suggested acting is in line with how I handle things. It seems to work fairly well. The key for me is to avoid making anything into a political statement, and particularly to avoid letting two people fight through me. Yes, stuff can be politicized. However it can often also be defused. Dad isn't insisting that the occasion only happen with an uninvited guest. Quite explicitly not. Dad is just insisting that the occasion happen when it is most convenient for him. Everything else is exactly as she planned. Given multiple demands on his time, this is very reasonable, and few people in my experience much care if date moves slightly. The daughter's motives don't have to be assumed or insulted. Granted, other people's feelings are a potential issue, but the offer is being taken at face value and basically accepted. And when it comes to the wife, a boundary is being drawn between what you see as her right to expect, and what is not. If your relationship is such that you cannot draw any such boundaries, then my succinct advice is that you're heading for divorce and are better off realizing it now rather than later. If you can draw some boundaries, it is pretty obvious to have ones saying that it is OK for you to care about your kids. She might not like it, but she doesn't have the right to tell you not to. From my experience I'd say that this kind of approach should avoid major fights with unless someone is really looking for a fight. Of course then nothing will help. What you do then is up to you. My gut response is to identify the person who is being unreasonable, get pissed off with them, and deal with that. (In extreme cases, by cutting said person out of my life. It hurts, a lot, but less than letting chunks keep on being torn out of me.) Cheers, Ben To deny the indirect purchaser, who in this case is the ultimate purchaser, the right to seek relief from unlawful conduct, would essentially remove the word consumer from the Consumer Protection Act - [link\|http://www.techworld.com/opsys/news/index.cfm?NewsID=1246&Page=1&pagePos=20\|Nebraska Supreme Court]
Post #160,934 by dmarker 6/21/04 10:54:37 PM Reply	Am sure that despite what we write, most do whats best ... Had a situation once that kind of went along the lines you just wrote about. 1st wife's mother was getting old & her mind was wandering. My ex bro-in-law lived 1,500 miles away & wasn't excesively interested in his mother's problems. My ex was in another country. I decided to regularly visit the old dear just to give her a familiar face. I had begun going out with lady who I married shortly thereafter & one day asked her (lady friend) if she would join me visiting ex's aging mother. She was shocked & said "no way". I tried to point out that this was just an old lady who needed some support & that she was very much in need of some personal attention - I felt she could well just fade away & die if ignored (this was no idle comment). She had no one else available or willing to visit her. I had also asked ex ma-i-l if she would like to meet my new friend but she kind of indicated she was not interested (but I knew her pretty well and how she might actually react). Anyway I decide to force the issue & on a drive near the old lady's house one weekend said I was calling in to say hello & after a long tussle convinced future wife to call in with me. Well, within 2 months the two were like aunty & niece. Ex ma-i-l spoke highly of my new wife-to-be & she in turn was even willing to visit ex ma-i-l by herself. Many years later she did the same with my own mother who she had previously had a few run-ins with. When we were living in HK, I couldn't get down as often as she could so she wrote every 2 weeks & visted on every trip back to Australia. By the time my mother died in 2002, it was my current wife that was about the only person she recognised any more despite getting regular visits from my brother, sister & their kids. My current wife knows I would do same for her mother. Her father is aging & not going to live for too many more years. There are times I've wanted to strangle both her parents, but as with any crisis they all come & go. At heart they always have their daughter's interests at heart even if they like so many old parents, can act out a 'wicked witch' role in showing it. So in the case of ma-i-l I took a calculated gamble that things would turn out as they did. Sometimes (but not always) the risk is worth forcing the issue. Cheers Doug _________________________________________________________ "Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!". -- Leonardo Da Vinci
Post #161,148 by Ashton 6/22/04 11:55:59 PM Reply	Indeed We nonaligned folk periodically find it maddening when the aligned trot out their, Tis more Blessed to Give than to Receive.. as if their particular sect had a Corner on the market of putting-into-wprds What You Just Learn. (Had best learn, if you don't want to die as a Billy or a Trump) [Present company excepted; nobody does That here - need I say?] The 'Blessing' is in the achievement? discovery? of a level of consciousness unavailable to the self-obsessed. By any-other-name as will smell as sweet. The Universe RUNS on this energy.. D'Oh. :-0 Over the years I've known several women {then in their ~30s) whose avocation and sometimes livelihood was ~ taking care of the abandoned aged. And it was no "sacrifice". It's so corny/ineffective? when people try to 'explain' to the disinterested about such matters, in the 'West' - but then, they are understandably just trying to prod someone who's never Noticed.. quite a lot. I've always felt it was a Big mistake when the priests got together to committee-write their manuals.. and codified so much that just can't be parsed by logic - a lot of metaphysical mischief has resulted IMhO. But there are signs of the sloughing-off of some of this mischief. {One learns never to ask 'Why'}. But, as in your lovely story - sometimes the 'bonus' is both clear and palpable. I suspect that only experience works in such matters. (I didn't get a chance to meet one such old lady..) who had lived a remarkable life, from her time as Earl Warren's personal secretary, when he was a D.A. in CA.. and onwards to USSC. Her early experience as one of a gaggle of (now many 'famous') early women pilots (!) was fascinating; there were a few pix of her and of them. Obv she was a good conversationalist on a variety of topics, esp, from time spent in East + artifacts, etc. Would like to have heard some of that. I learned of this from the person who helped her, towards the end.. so it's 2nd hand. I did go along in the plane when it was time to sprinkle her ashes out over the landscape. Methinks she would have approved.. (and chortled over my 'cockpit cleanup' with the hand-vac, after we landed) Yup, there are some Fun "old people" around :D Ashton

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