12,13,14 were the worst for me. Many people say it was "the age", but it wasn't. I desparately needed a "mentor", someone I could talk to during that time. Most of the people I was around didn't want to get involved. I wanted to die during those years. I hated myself. There were nights I threw myself against fences in fits of rage. I wanted to kill myself. I was worthless. During this time I was abused by the son of the pastor, and that drove my self esteem down even farther.

When I turned 15, my father took a job in a new town, and the change SAVED me.

When I moved to the new down, I had a very good church youth director/mentor during this time. And some very well grounded teenage friends, also part of the youth group. So, I explored, but not too far. And when I had hangups, I could talk with Paul, the youth director. I feel I owe this man SO MUCH, and that's why I am involved at my church, being a 3rd - 5th grade Lifegroup teacher. And the kids relate to me, and they can talk, and they have hangups. And I let them cutup some, and I bring them candy. But Paul talked to me on more than one occasion, late on Sunday night, to let me know that I was all right, just as a was. And for that, I'm truly grateful.

It probably saved my life. I know I'm a much better person because of Paul.

Now, back to your son. Does he have a person like this? A teacher, leader, someone he can "talk with"?

This is tricky but, you either need to "be that person", or find someone you trust who can. What I mean by that, is that 15 is a tough age, and he needs to be able to talk to someone. I would say that "being that person" means that you can't freak out if he tells you he smoked dope or screwed a girl last night. If you freak out, then you're not "his mentor", you're still the evil authority, in his mind.

I think there's truth in the Jewish tradition that at age 13 a boy becomes a man (And I'm a Christian, not a Jew). By 15, he's certainly getting there. What I mean by that is that he starts to become responsible for himself, for his actions. He needs someone to relate to, and if you're an authoritarian parent (or have the style), it may not be you. Are you starting to treat him as an adult? In 3 more years, he legally will be.

But, I think the condition may be stress related and he needs to talk with someone "he can trust". Can he "trust" you? That's for him to decide, not you, and that is very tough.

It's difficult, but it's a part of life. Having said all that, my oldest is still a month short of 9 years old. He's already trying "make his own" rules, so I can only imagine what he'll be like at 15. Thinking about it makes my brain hurt. But when the time comes, I've either got to "be his mentor", or put him into a context, an environment, where he can talk to someone I trust. At 15, all the work I'm trying to do now with him needs to start paying off, as he decides to be a responsible, productive person.

It sounds like your son is there. I think you've said "he's a good kid" before. Does he know that? You son did this school thing for some reason. Ask him and listen. Don't get mad, because it just shuts them down. He's got a reason. Maybe he didn't feel it was good enough, maybe he was ashamed. Can you get him to open up to you? Not as a trick, but honest and open communication.

Good Luck Barry.