By that, I mean Air France (AF).

Had things occurred as planned, Sunday a week ago, my wife and I would have been home back from Europe. This is after a weeklong river cruise down the Danube from Nuremberg to Budapest. As arranged by the cruise line, we were to fly from Atlanta to the Charles De Gaulle (CDG) airport near Paris and then on to Nuremberg. The return was from Budapest to CDG and then on to Atlanta. Looking at the tickets, one would think that the carrier was Delta. But that was just a bit of French duplicity but ineffective in this case. I noted that the flight times were nearly identical to flight times to the cancelled August cruise (due to drought conditions and low water) that were clearly identified as Air France flights. I suspect that ploy was to counteract the fact that real Americans shun Air France. :) They probably gave the cruise line a pretty good deal too. Anyway, I was willing to think of AF as Air Freedom and let it go at that.

Checking in at Atlanta we were told that the connection at CDG would be tight (1 hour) and we should be sure to get the airport secure area bus shuttle to the right terminal. The luggage was tagged with "Short Connection" tags.

The plane was loaded and left the gate some 10 minutes. The damned AF pilot made no effort to make up for lost time.

At the end of evening meal, my wife asked the steward for decaf coffee. He said he would see what he could do. Several minutes later a stewardess came by serving coffee to those that wanted it. My wife asked her "Do you have decaf coffee?" She answered "Madame, there is no decaf coffee." But, five minutes later the steward shows up with a paper cup of what was instant decaf coffee. Obviously the bitch did not want to be bothered with a special request.

Our New York friends (who mercifully flew to and from the cruise on Lufthansa from Newark, NJ via Frankfurt) had lived in France for a number of years explained my wife's interaction with the stewardess to us. The French practice a selective misinterpretation of what you tell them. They envision all the possible meanings of what you say and then pick the one that suits them and respond to that. So, technically the stewardess did not have decaf coffee just then, only regular. She was not about to volunteer to do more.

The plane arrived late, waited a few minutes for an available gate, and did not unload very quickly. The single AF agent directing people to their connecting flights had quite a line up of people to direct. When it came our turn she suggested we walk to terminal and gate. Unfortunately this meant leaving the secure area, going through a passport check and going through an X-ray check-in lines at the other end. While going through the maze of escalators, ramps, moving sidewalks, etc. I noted a French \ufffdass backwards\ufffd innovation of signs with arrows that point down and not up to mean "go this way".

Despite all the delays and aggravations we got to the gate at the departure time. The gate is actually used to load people on a bus and not a plane. There was no one to be seen there other than a couple German ladies who had been there a couple of minutes and wondered what was going on. Turned out they lived in Nuremberg and also came in on the flight from Atlanta. A few minutes later a couple more passengers showed up. These guys were also on our flight from Atlanta and they had used the "secure area shuttle" that took them all over creation on the way to this terminal. So, six passengers from Atlanta for this flight and nobody give a shit if they make their connection or not.

It took quite a while to find out what our next step is supposed to be. It was from an agent that showed up at an adjoining gate. We were to leave the secure area, go find special AF counters to process re-bookings. We did find that counter and got booked on a flight 5 1/2 hours after the first. We also asked for and got meal vouchers.

For lunch, I had a ham and cheese sandwich, a Coke and some potato chips. The sandwich itself was priced at the Euro equivalent of $25. Greedy, gouging Gauls! And I thought $4.50 for 1/4 pound hot dog at Charlotte's airport was outrageous.

The boarding process for flight to Nuremberg made it obvious why we never had a prayer of making it. The bus to the plane was loaded well ahead of the departure time. In fact, it left the gate area 17 minutes before the official departure time. The plane itself was way out in the boonies of the airport and it took a while to get to it.

While delays like this are aggravating, the real cost was losing the time to get a tour of a city and indeed the evening meal and cruise orientation on the boat. While we were able to see Nuremberg on the following day, folks that got to the ship early did that the first day and got to see Regensburg while we were touring Nuremberg. The ship had to sail on and we missed Regensburg.

It was no better on the return flights. The AF plane left Budapest late. On the way to Paris a stewardess told a fellow passenger that we would not make CDG in time and the Atlanta seats would be sold. We were met at the gangway at CDG for what we thought was expedited handling for those Atlanta bound. We were then told it was not possible to make the flight and would be put on the next available plane on the following morning. After wasting several minutes leading a bunch of us around the terminal to some ticketing workstations and going through the lengthy motions of trying to book the first couple passengers. Then she ripped those new boarding passes and said that the original plane was late and still boarding and maybe we could make it. She lead us to the bus that was to take us to the right terminal. The bus took its sweet time making a useless stop at another terminal along the way. Nonetheless, we got to the right terminal and the right gate with the plane still there and the gangway still attached. That did not make any difference though. "Boarding was impossible!" we were told. We watched the plane sit there for a few minutes before the gangway was pulled away. And it sat there even longer after that. It is no accident that the Marquis de Sade was French!

I am convinced that had we not been intercepted by AF agents, we would have reached the departure gate while it was loading. We were delayed to make that not possible because the plane was overbooked. Load management must be one of the fine arts of France.

Incidentally, on the "secure" bus route the progression of terminal buildings is 2B, 2D, 2F, 2E, 2C, 2A. What innovative French asshole thought that sequence up?

So, we got vouchers for a motel and meals and got a phone card to make calls. One of the passengers from one of the Central Asia "-stan" countries needed to get a visa to just leave the terminal. She was on the Atlanta flight, so I'm guessing they got her one. Or, perhaps she slept on some bench at the terminal.

The evening meal at the motel was something else. The "steak" recommended by the waiter was the toughest we've ever eaten. My wife gave up after four bites. Using strength to cut it in small pieces and a long time to chew it, I ate about 2/3 of mine.

After the missed AF connection, I would avoid flying Air France at all costs. Anything less than 2 hours for connections at CDG makes you a pawn in AF load balancing games. Indeed, given the experience, I would want to avoid France completely.