Post #108,185
7/2/03 11:11:52 AM
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Who do I piss off? Wife or kids?
Dilemma: We are scheduled to leave on our annual 4th of July vacation (visit my brothers in Montana) tonight. Been doing so for as long as I can remember.
I took time off, two step daughters took time off, daughter took time off and step daughter's boyfriend took time off. We leave tonight (Wed and return on Sun.)
My wife told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't want to go, "nobody likes me" and "what will we do with my dogs?" are some of her reasons. Her youngest daughter (would be my step daughter #3) wants to stay home with her. Her other two daughers want to go. So far, no problem. She'll be mad, but it's her decision not to go with us.
Yesterday, she became sick. (Her daughters think it's faked) Took her to clinic yesterday afternoon. White count slightly elevated. Urine had a "lot of stuff" in it (actual quote from the doctor) Decided that she "might" have either a blatter infection or a kidney infection. Put her on Cipro and said to check back to see what, if anything, the urine cultures developed. Supposed to call back on Thursday.
There's the dilemma. If I go, I'll be "leaving my sick wife at home, proof that I don't care for her any more". If I stay, then all the kids will be pissed at both mom and I (mostly mom, since they believe that she's faking it.) Can't delay because it's a 12-15 hour drive each way. If it was only me, I'd delay one day and take Monday off, but everyone else has taken Thursday off.
Oh wise ones, any suggestions? :-(
When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
When they took the Fifth Amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the Second Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't own a gun.
Now they've taken the First Amendment, and I can't say anything about it.
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Post #108,187
7/2/03 11:20:31 AM
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Kids.
They can't divorce you.
Peter
[link|http://www.debian.org|Shill For Hire]
[link|http://www.kuro5hin.org|There is no K5 Cabal]
[link|http://guildenstern.dyndns.org|Blog]
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Post #108,406
7/3/03 11:01:38 PM
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It's too late, but Peter's on mark.
bcnu,
Mikem
The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice and always has been...We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had-- the individual's right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism.
- Mark Twain, "Monarchical and Republican Patriotism"
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Post #108,188
7/2/03 11:20:52 AM
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Re: Who do I piss off? Wife or kids?
Cipro will knock out a routine infection pronto, so by tomorrow, should not be an issue.
This is a case, IMO, of establishing a pattern. If you cave, you will regret it later, as caving will be the expected behavior. Been there, not good.
Of course, if she is still sick tomorrow, you should stay.
-drl
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Post #108,192
7/2/03 11:41:59 AM
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never try to second guess a woman
resolve this by doing what you want to do. Either way she will be pissed off so at least if you do want you want to do it wont piss you off as well.
thanx,
bill
will work for cash and other incentives [link|http://home.tampabay.rr.com/boxley/resume/Resume.html|skill set]
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
As the Poets have mournfully sung.
Death takes the innocent young,
The rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
And those who are very well hung.
W.H. Auden
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Post #108,195
7/2/03 11:54:08 AM
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Kids.
It sounds to me like you and your wife have bigger issues than the vacation. Stress and depression can bring on illnesses. You've taken time off and she's not feeling well, so this may be a good time to try to work on improving things with her. Buy her some flowers on the way home today.
Can your kids find something to do instead of going to Montana? Can they drive there themselves?
Don't let your kids being disappointed cause you to take things out on her.
Best of luck.
Cheers,
Scott.
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Post #108,198
7/2/03 12:11:13 PM
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Good read...
It sounds to me like you and your wife have bigger issues than the vacation.
Very much so. Very short story... Her previous marriage was an emotionally abusive one. "I've put it all behind me", but anything I do that could possibly have a negative meaning ("you spent all weekend working on the deck and didn't spend any time with me.") draws a reference to "all men..."
Add to short story, she fell and became disabled (can't walk across a room without a cane, must use a wheelchair when out in public). She was working full time and now can't/won't work. She is in constant pain. (We've been everywhere including Mayo)
As I posted in the beginning, if she wasn't sick, I'd go and let it be her decision if she wanted to stay home. Her being sick is what has caused the dilemma. I'm torn between being the supportive husband and staying home, and forcing her to face the reality that I cannot be her entire life.
The full story would drag on and on and on. And FWIW I have talked to our pastors, counslers, therapists and friends. And if any of you feel you can provide any insight or guidance, email me and I'll provide the long version.
When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
When they took the Fifth Amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the Second Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't own a gun.
Now they've taken the First Amendment, and I can't say anything about it.
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Post #108,201
7/2/03 12:45:00 PM
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I feel for you.
I know it's hard. :-( The past has a very strong hold on many, many people. That's why it's good to develop a poor memory. :-)
You can't control how she feels about things or how she reacts. All you can do is try your best.
She does seem to have some sort of infection. Stay with her, let that heal up and try not to carry any resentment about the vacation.
I'm torn between being the supportive husband and staying home, and forcing her to face the reality that I cannot be her entire life.
I don't think there are any pat answers for situations like this. Sometimes people need to be forced to snap out of their funk and stand on their own; sometimes they need support that may last for years while they slowly gain confidence and feel happy again. I don't think there's any way to know in advance which category a person fits into.
Does she like to read? I thought the Dalai Lama's book [link|http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1573221112/qid%3D1057163845/002-0038765-9647237|The Art of Happiness] was pretty good.
Sincere best of luck.
Cheers,
Scott.
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Post #108,209
7/2/03 1:00:08 PM
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A link for you
Read the [link|http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html|following] objectively, and compare and contrast your situation.
Understanding of NPD is evolving. It is a very hard thing to live with.
-drl
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Post #108,211
7/2/03 1:06:00 PM
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Ugh.
As soon as I saw the words, "Id", "Ego", and "Superego", I had to stop reading.
Many fears are born of stupidity and ignorance -
Which you should be feeding with rumour and generalisation.
BOfH, 2002 "Episode" 10
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Post #108,222
7/2/03 1:47:09 PM
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No win...so go...here's why.
Your wife already says that noone there likes her...so she doesn't want to go.
If you don't go, she will then say that she is mad at you for not going...because noone is going to like here >even worse< now because you didn't go...because of her. Plus...the kids are gonna be mad at her for a long time...casue they think she's faking it.
If you go, yes you are leaving your sick wife at home. (It is, however, NOT a debilitating sickness...its a minor infection...as long as by "stuff" in her urine they are not saying blood)
So...what I would do...is force #3 child to go with you...thus leaving the wife totally alone to recover.
Stated as..."Honey, I'll take all the kids...that way you can have a mini-vacation without us and you won't have to worry about the girls...you can relax and let the antibiotics do their work". I would much rather deal with an angry child than a spurned wife.
You'll be good as gold (eventually)
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over. Fudd's First Law of Opposition
[link|mailto:bepatient@aol.com|BePatient]
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Post #108,243
7/2/03 5:06:56 PM
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Both
Leave the kids to look after Mom and head to Vegas.
(Just kidding)
-----------------------------------------
[link|http://www.talion.com/questionw.html|?W]
Where were you in 72?
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Post #108,244
7/2/03 5:09:42 PM
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rofl...good one
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over. Fudd's First Law of Opposition
[link|mailto:bepatient@aol.com|BePatient]
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Post #108,495
7/6/03 2:16:48 PM
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I'm back. Seems like that's what I did...
Piss off both. We went to Montana. Wife came along "under duress", but seemed to be having a good time. Visited with most of my brothers and their wifes and kids. But when we got home, I found out that she wanted to spend the 4th with her relatives (never told me anything about it. Told the kids to ask me if we were going to Montana again this year. I, of course, took that to mean she wanted to go initially, so I made the arrangements. Silly me.) So she's now mad at me.
The kids were upset because my brother's jet skis were not available. He had them tuned up, but forgot to relicense them. He did take the kids out for limited use on the afternoon of the 4th, but not like they had done in previous years, and nothing on the other days. So they are now disappointed.
Oh, any my wife's illness ended up being just nausea. Might be more, but won't know until tomorrow (Monday) when I can call the doctor's office for the results of her tests. Definitely nothing that should have prevented her from making the trip, had she wanted to go.
On a good note, my "bus" (15 passenger, ex Sheraton hotel shuttle - still with distinctive painting) hit 14-15 mpg (had been only getting around 10 mpg in town) and I made the return trip in just 12 hours (~750 miles), normally it takes me around 15-18 hours, depending upon my "sleep level".
I had a good time seeing my brothers.
When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
When they took the Fifth Amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the Second Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't own a gun.
Now they've taken the First Amendment, and I can't say anything about it.
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Post #108,520
7/7/03 9:03:57 AM
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No you didn't
You asked what everybody wanted and did your best to accommodate what they told you they wanted. If they choose to be pissed off that's their issue, nothing you did and nothing you could have done differently.
===
Implicitly condoning stupidity since 2001.
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Post #108,535
7/7/03 10:21:03 AM
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shame on you
you're supposed to be able to read her mind by now :-)
Darrell Spice, Jr. [link|http://www.spiceware.org/cgi-bin/spa.pl?album=./Artistic%20Overpass|Artistic Overpass]\n[link|http://www.spiceware.org/|SpiceWare] - We don't do Windows, it's too much of a chore
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Post #108,550
7/7/03 12:58:04 PM
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Indeed. Women's minds do work differently.
They read minds and expect others to do the same.
Alex
The tendency to turn human judgements into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world. -- Georgia Harkness in "Conflicts in Religious Thought" (1929)
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