French Test

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How many gears in a French tank?

Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.

**
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The army.

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How do you stop a French tank?

Shoot the guy pushing.

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How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles?

"Never fired, only dropped once."

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Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?

To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

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A Frenchman is in a bar with a parrot. The barman says: "That's an
ugly bird. Where did you get it?"

The parrot says: "France, there's millions of 'em!"

**
Why do Frenchmen have moustaches?

To look like their mothers.

**
A Frenchman was banned from practising medicine for having sex with
his patients. It was a shame-he was the best vet in town.

**
What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?

Bisexual.

**
Why does the new French navy use glass-bottomed boats?

To miss the old French navy.

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world
over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first
taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Brian Bronson

Post #81,811 by bepatient 2/14/03 9:52:44 PM Reply	French Test How many gears in a French tank? Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army. How do you stop a French tank? Shoot the guy pushing. How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles? "Never fired, only dropped once." Why might the French send troops to the Gulf? To teach the Iraqis how to surrender. A Frenchman is in a bar with a parrot. The barman says: "That's an ugly bird. Where did you get it?" The parrot says: "France, there's millions of 'em!" Why do Frenchmen have moustaches? To look like their mothers. A Frenchman was banned from practising medicine for having sex with his patients. It was a shame-he was the best vet in town. What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm? Bisexual. Why does the new French navy use glass-bottomed boats? To miss the old French navy. You were born...and so you're free...so Happy Birthday! _{Laurie Anderson} [link\|mailto:bepatient@aol.com\|BePatient]
Post #82,257 by inthane-chan 2/17/03 12:38:46 PM Reply	Left off one. Why are there trees along all the roads in France? Because the German soldiers like shade. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989
Post #82,670 by bbronson 2/19/03 2:33:43 PM Reply	The Complete Military History of France - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." -Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. -The Dutch War - Tied -War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. -War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. -World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Brian Bronson

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