And I felt this one was worth sharing. Try to envision a 30-year-old beautiful Hispanic woman reading this. Really, my probation officer was crazy beautiful.


I was reading in this article and it made think of you. I found it ironic that the following quote was in there.

"Psilocybin in particular has been found to be significantly useful in treating major depression and substance abuse disorders."

Article link:
https://newatlas.com/science/psychedelic-claustrum-consciousness-brain-psilocybin-ego/


Note: long whiny screed that might be entertaining, hopefully. Give yourself 20 minutes to read please. Thanks. Also keep in mind this is via voice dictate on my phone which means long run on rambling sentences occasionally. And stupid typos as well. Old man eyes can't catch them all. Please be forgiving on that aspect.


I was originally arrested for psilocybin. Growing mushrooms. There was a fire in my house and the firemen saw the mushroom growing gear. I actually wasn't growing at the time, but I had been a couple months before and they found the gear.

The DEA held a press conference the next day. They called me the Walter White of mushrooms. M************. On the other hand it gave me major street cred. When I walked down the halls of the jail they chanted my name. When I was released from intake to jenpop they made me an honorary OG. Really, jail wasn't that bad except everyone in my cell block f****** hated me because my kids were in jail and my lawyer wouldn't take my confession to get them released at that point. I tried.

Did you know I had a seizure in jail? They designated it as some type of heart attack. But they didn't really do any tests or diagnose me with anything. The only reason I even know this is because Margaret had to go after the doctor. Medical in jail is a joke. They threw me into the medical crazy wing at that point. And I had to start all over again. Old man in jail. I had to scream down a 300 lb older black gang leader who towered above me because he thought he could extort mushrooms out of me and I had to convince him that I was capable of killing him. Old man in jail. I always take the third high bunk closest to the bathroom. No one wanted that spot. It was defensible. I had my sock with a half a dozen bars of soap at all times with me. I could crush a skull from above.

After the house search they found one ounce of mushrooms. Four experiences for two people. All mine.

And since I use them once every two or three months that was a year of supply.

And then I was put into drug court. The prosecutor demanded five years.Margaret overheard him describing me to someone as the devil. He was going to f****** over as hard as he could. They found no money in the house because I was not dealing. They pulled the walls out. This was a hundred-year-old incredible house that I loved dearly. The doors were 300 lb and compressed into the door jamb on a felt strip. They ripped the s*** out of my house and refused to answer the calls when the looters stole everything left. The f****** police went around and cut every cord on every electronic device in my house. They smashed my TVs with their flashlights. They destroyed everything they could for fun.

I had to negotiate a plea and admit to whatever charge. For this he would drop the charges on my family. Once I agreed to the five years, they presented the drug court option. I had to convince them I was an addict in need of treatment but I did it while not lying in the slightest. You have to remember lies.

I lied by omission. I occasionally let people assume stuff until I decided I could trust them with the full truth.

Do you recall what else I had in my stash that you tried to lecture me on? MDMA. I was a f****** sociopath before I experienced MDMA. The only reason I hadn't killed anyone at that point in my life is because the cost benefit analysis didn't justify it. Can you define empathy? To me empathy is the most painful and the most blessed experience I have ever felt. I feel others' pain and I feel their pleasure as well. I never had that before then, and it stayed after the MDMA trip ended. Don't you want your people to experience this?

I saving two hits of MDMA that I was planning on using approximately a month from the arrest. I was really unhappy that the police took it away from me.

I pled guilty to growing mushrooms, and then they told me I had to change it because the judge would not sentence me to 5 years for that. The exact words was: He would laugh it out. So my initial arrest wouldn't qualify for anything like the jail term they wanted but they were holding my family over me and I had to admit to 5 years.

So we looked at what else I had and said you can plead guilty to possession of LSD with intent to distribute. What do you mean intent to distribute, I'm not selling this s***. Would you give them to your friends for free? Of course, an LSD trip is a religious experience and I would always want to give my friends this. There you go, intent to distribute.

5 years before the arrest I wanted to experience LSD again. I hadn't touched it for approximately 30 years at that point. It's very difficult to actually find LSD. Scumbags are happy to rip you off and sell you s*** that'll do nothing or is a research chemical that might kill you. So after a few months of going to concerts and hanging out in the parking lots I found someone that actually had real LSD. Once I prove this I bought a sheet. That's a hundred hits. That should last me the rest of my lifetime. And then I put it aside.

LSD is speedy. The body load is difficult. I always double check my blood pressure and heart rate. I don't like the body portion. So I let it sit there. And decided to grow mushrooms instead.

Mushrooms have a sedative effect. They don't push your heart rate or blood pressure up. Whatever they do to your mind is far less than what they do at your body as compared to LSD. But the actual experience in the mind is very close, without distracting body issues.

That particular charge is a critical felony that will never be expunged. I lost my life because I took a trip every other month. And now they're finding out that the use of these drugs are beneficial.

The drug court evaluator was a f****** moron and misinterpreted pretty much everything I said. The report came out and said I did a half a gram of meth a day rather than 5 mg. On work days only. I was self treating for my ADHD. Meth works far better than Adderall when using the correct dose. I had bought a gram and had half a gram left. Months ago. That half a gram lasted me 2 months so far, my lawyer said shut up and be happy they're bringing you into drug court.

Let me tell you about the meth. When I was hired as a programmer for Merrill Lynch, my actual title was senior vice president, I faded around 2:00 p.m. I didn't just fade, I fell hard but I hadn't accomplished s*** during the day. My workstation area was by a pathway so people would walk by me constantly and distract me. I had a serious, must respond to whatever is behind me paranoia reaction all the goddamn time. I needed to concentrate but I was being distracted.

My daughter would be insane without her Adderall, so I tried that. Her dose was way too much for me 20 mg, so I cut it down to five but my body was shaking and my blood pressure was too high. Anything less than 5 mg had no effect. I could not take the body load of Adderall so I had to find an alternative.

My drug dealer offered me methamphetamine. Let's think about this. I bought pot off him. I smoke pot before I went to sleep. It's a great anti-inflammatory that doesn't screw up your stomach like NSAIDs do. The anti-inflammatory effect of pot lasts about 36 hours. I am not s******* you. I smoke pot before I go to sleep every night, but sometimes I forget. So that means on the day of forgetfulness it wears off halfway through and I'm falling over in pain. My brother Robbie went through the opioid almost death spiral. He lived on oxycontin and Percocets for about 3 years before he yanked himself out of it. My brother Leon pukes blood all the time from the ulcers in his stomach from the NSAIDs that the doctors were prescribing both of us that I decide to stop taking and start smoking pot every night god dammit.

I live in a legal state. I just smoked a hit a pot without fear. Why should I feel fear for this in your state but not mine? Do you desire to arrest me for what I have just done? If someone in your state just told you that would you desire to arrest them? You would destroy someone's life for this arbitrary law that was created to hold down people of color?

The reason pot is a gateway drug is because it's illegal. Over here I go to the local store, buy an ounce for a hundred bucks and I'm good for two months. In your state people go buy an ounce for $400 and the guy selling them the ounce offers them a variety of other drugs. And they're cheaper than that $400. The only reason it's a gateway drug is because it's illegal.

So back to the meth. I figure it out a 5 mg dose was appropriate. It didn't alter my blood pressure more than a slight bit and I had no body effects. But I could concentrate and ignore the people walking behind me. My boss was in charge of all the technology for all the traders from Merrill Lynch. This was stock exchange floor trading type stuff. But my boss had a couple rows of work stations where his technical people would support everyone else. Hundreds of screaming people.

I had two months at that job where my boss told me I launched him a new career and I was going to be flown to London and Tokyo in the next couple of weeks just to meet people because the programs I wrote were so incredible and they were going to be running on those people's systems and they wanted to meet me.

Did you know I killed at least 60,000 people? Really. I always try to think of the suffering I've endured under drug court as penance for all the people I've killed. I caused the housing market crash. You think this is a delusional exaggeration?

It was me and two other people. Mike Harding and Kevin Moorefield. Ameriquest mortgage. Mike was my boss who did the analysis and determined who to market to. Kevin was the vice president of Ameriquest marketing so he had to determine whether or not to give us money to actually do the project. There was a book written about our tremendous success which was then used as a basis of a college course on how to create data warehouses. Kevin went on to become the president of the company. We had a contract that gave us around $8 million a year to produce the analysis and the actual output marketing print pieces. I say us but I was just a highly paid salaried employee of the company.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ameriquest_Mortgage

The system they're talking about in that Wikipedia article is mine. I coded in about 2 months of hell. Other companies followed our lead. By the time we were done we had f***** the US economy totally. And I saw it two months in and Mike told me to shut the f******.

So then I heard an NPR story on how countries that depended on their employers for health care in this time frame saw a tremendous surge in cancer deaths. People lost their health care and no one was treated. Other countries that did not depend on this did not see the same surge. In that time frame 60,000 people died who wouldn't have died otherwise. I'm sure the number is higher now.

I was accused of lying in the sentencing hearing when they presented me as a horrible addict and I had to either argue before a judge or shut up. So I shut up.

The original agreement before the hearing was that they would not recommend rehab, they would let me stay home. At the sentencing hearing they slammed me with you're going away to rehab for 90 days and we're going to lock you up in jail until we find a bed.

I already was sure I wasn't an addict. I had a psychiatrist actually tell me that about 5 years previous when I went to him for an antidepressant that had pain killing properties. I didn't want to take narcotics, my disease causes pain, so I went to a shrink to get an antidepressant to kill pain. Because he didn't like the concept of someone showing up and him just prescribing drugs he forced multiple sessions where I told him everything going on.

Psychiatrists see patients typically in two situations. In the first case someone goes to them on their own and they want to change. They are in mental pain. In the second case court ordered people go to them, they will lie to the shrink all the time, and the shrink has to feel all this out. I am probably the first patient that ever went to the shrink that did not want to change and was not court ordered so it was all my choices. By the third session this shrink was screaming at me: What the f*** do these women see in you?

Really: while I was in the session I had a couple of women call me as we were planning our next steps. I had about a month before I was leaving my wife. This was an intense moment of my life yet I was just dealing just fine thank you. And I honestly spoke to him about everything.

Let me give you an aside about my current moral perspective. I love my wife and I've been with her for 10 years and there's no concept of cheating on my wife. I can tell my wife anything. I was married way too young and way too immature.

His morals and mine did not have any intersection. He was an old Jewish guy. I broke the shrink. He screamed at me at the top of his lungs. But he gave me my drugs. And in the next session I was working on his computers. And then he released me back to my regular doctor and said keep doing what you're doing.


He told me I did not have an addictive personality, I had a fast liver, and that's why drugs wore off so fast and I felt I needed a second dose sooner than most people. I have a goddamn fast metabolism for digesting drugs which in turn set me up in my brain to think I might be an addict because things wore off. I've had dental procedures that had to halt halfway through because the Novocaine wore off.

So I went back to jail for a couple of weeks. One week intake and they put me in gen pop. I met the head of the local Aryan Nation. This guy was ripped and covered in tats. I was in my favorite spot in the back and he came over to me and he told me that I needed to move my bed over to his area.

What the f*** are you talking about? Do you have any idea what my last name is? I was primed for a fight. And he laughed at me and showed me a bunch of Hebrew tattoos on his arm and told me he was Jewish. What the f***? Unacceptable. Then he went on to explain that it's all about us and the blacks. Mother f*****.

I had been watching his interaction with people of other races over the previous couple days and they were friendly and joking. But those were the guys local and there's always a possibility of me getting killed. So I f****** align myself with the Aryan Nation representative while in jail waiting to go to rehab. Gee, thank you for that, state representative.

On the other hand I have a bunch of phone numbers. If I want to make drug deals, oh boy I have connections. No I'm not calling them. But thank you for jail for these connections.

Do you remember my counselor at rehab? Zoey. Such a sweetheart. Moderately naive but very intelligent. After 3 weeks she told me to write a document that stated what I learned here. This is the document they make people write before they leave. I don't think I even had met you at that point. You came in and we had a conference room round table and I kept my mouth shut. But I'm not sure if it was before or after this.

She wasn't telling me I was leaving, but that was the obvious point. A week later she told me that it meant nothing, I wasn't going anywhere and showed me the judge's order that said 90 days. She was not going to argue with the judge. So she told me to settle in, and enjoy the ride. She told me to get a medical marijuana prescription when I got out. That meant two to five years.

My counselor at rehab told me to go smoke pot.

There was an exercise at rehab that was intended to identify people's mindsets in whether or not they needed rehab and were ready to admit who they were. Four corners of the room, in the first corner people think they don't have a problem go here. People who think they might have a problem go to the next corner. People who know they have a problem go to the next corner people who are ready for whatever next go to the next corner.

I had committed to not lying. When asked to direct question I will always answer. I will omit occasionally though. So I went to the first corner. I knew I was about to experience some serious hell. I told every other rehab patient that joined me to get the f*** out of here, go to the second corner, or you're about to experience hell too. One loser didn't take the advice. I'm pretty sure he failed out in a couple weeks.

Do you remember Benjamin John Gonzalez? At least I think that's his name. He was in charge of the rehab and visited a couple days a week. I had to convince that guy that he could let me go. Without lying. And I did. And he was a f****** a******.

Okay, so I get out of rehab and fall into your lap. You own me. I am your n*****. This is a word I use very rarely. The guys in drug court, hanging around, b***********, tried to get me to. No. My n*****. I'm not allowed to say that, and I'm good with that. It's a horrible word that you guys have take ownership of, enjoy it, it's not mine.

But this is the appropriate context. It implies ownership of a person. I understand it launched from the word ignorant but that's not how it's applied. I am a moron who can't make my own decisions and I am your n*****. I was making $140k plus bonus in a job I loved and had weekends off to spend with my wife who I loved. I was in a house that I loved. My life was perfect. And then I became your n*****.

I lost my house. I lost my job. I lost my career. I lost my life. Because Richard Nixon a long time ago decided he didn't like Timothy Leary and the hippies. F*** you and f*** Nixon. Do you actually know this history? You are enforcing a racist bastard's ideas of how the world should be run.

I know I'm not your average n*****. But I was your n*****. How many other people are your n*****?

Do you remember when you found a shot glass next to my bed table? I had lube in it. You dipped your finger and put it to your nose. That was such a wonderful moment. You told me to stop using shot glasses. Did you enjoy the smell of the sex? The level of personal intrusion is incredible in your job. You think you know your people. You think you have a right to dictate their slightest movement.

We are not humans. We're cattle for you. My relationship with my wife is none of your goddamn business.

I know you try your best in a s***** situation. When I was physically unable to move and the doctor said soma's for you, you allowed it. But that's not the norm. Our drug court judge was f****** insane, you knew it, so I had to move to a different goddamn county. I was going to be under this guy for 5 years. The other county would allow me two and a half. So I had to move. They removed that judge right after I moved. And the judge I wanted moved to a different court so we got a new judge who wasn't nearly as nice. And my new probation officer hated my guts, I tested positive on the saliva test for methamphetamine twice before we sent it out and they said nothing was in there. This set me up for a lot of s***. And the various drugs that you allowed she disallowed and told me to f*** off and suffer. She was actually kicked off of drug court for being too mean, not allowing what the judge allowed and pissed him off. So then I got someone else who had to prove themselves. I still didn't get my muscle relaxer. So I got to spasm and suffer.

Let's talk about AA and NA. 12-step programs are religion. They're illegal in half the states. But the various courts haven't hit the higher federal level so it's a state issue for the most part. The concept of drug court is illegal in half the states. You work for a system of forced religion. Go f*** yourself. Sorry about that level of anger but I am the Jew who was forced into another religion.Don't try to tell me it's not, I know better, I went to the meetings, you occasionally get the propaganda.

Go wander this site for an idea of the religion you are trying to enforce:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/12stepcultreligionexposed.wordpress.com/2018/07/09/orange-papers-archive-here/amp/

Okay that will really take you some time if you find it interesting so my original 20 minutes might go much longer here.

I had to find a sponsor. And not lie. Good f****** luck. I would occasionally find a sponsor who would let me use them and then who would fire me. So every time I filled out my goddamn AA sheets I had to put down this guy's number who fired me. If anyone called up on that I would go to jail.

AA meetings. Do you have any idea how f****** annoying these are? We have the crazy religious true believers who try to throw Joel Osteen at me. These are the ones that own the meetings. We have the old people who are oh so grateful and are such a****** to the new people. I just want to tell them to go f*** themselves but I'll go to jail if I do. AA meetings are not scientifically proven to have any benefit as opposed to any other solution yet this is what you force upon people. The percentages are less for AA as compared to anything else yet this is what you push. This is a s***** solution to the problem that you are facing.

Actually worse for women. AA tells people they have no control. And then they have to accept control from the authority. Women have spent their whole lives fighting a****** man who had the same attitude. And you put a woman in AA and it tells her that she has no power. How f***** are you to do this to women? Go do the goddamn research. I have faith that you actually will.

I had a seizure in jail. I'm probably going to die in jail. And the wrong word to you or anyone else in the system would send me to jail. Go f*** yourself.

Every person you interact with has a portion of this attitude and you have an incredibly s***** job. Go find another job.

Sorry about all that. You are the inside the system. Maybe you can make some positive change, but I doubt it. These people dying on the streets, will you be hitting them with a baton? I assume they'll call you up when all hell's breaking loose.

Okay I'm done. I've whined enough. Do you want me to stop doing this or is this something I should continue? I don't want to annoy you unnecessarily.

You'll note I haven't included most of our stories of interaction. You're as nice as you could be but you were naive. Is that enjoyable or painful? My memory is strong.

Take care
Barry

I told you it was a bunch of whining.