OK, thought experiment here. I acknowledge at the outset that the scenario I advance is implausible, but we’ve endured thirty-two months of surreal politics foreign and domestic, so bear with me: the short-fingered vulgarian has apparently been fixated for several weeks, long enough that his retainers haven’t contrived to distract him with some other shiny object, on the notion of acquiring Greenland. Greenland??

Denmark, apparently, is not interested in selling, and Greenland’s inhabitants are not known to have evinced any interest in becoming a Trump-branded property, although I daresay that among them there may be some who, for the right price, would endorse the notion, rather like ethnic Russians in the Eastern Ukraine yearning for Putin’s embrace.

Suppose then that, in despite of his handlers’ best efforts, the short-fingered vulgarian won’t let this go? He rage-tweets for a week, and the “base,” comprising several millions of our compatriots, join in the cry: “We want Greenland, we need Greenland, we deserve Greenland!” What then? The God-Emperor decrees that our possession of Greenland is a matter of national security—we cannot survive without it—and orders the military to seize the island, which would actually be an easier objective than any aggression we’ve essayed since Grenada. What would the Pentagon do? Stall, of course, but Trump’s sycophants would bay, each louder than the other, for action. Disobey outright? Hardly. Resign on principle? Ambitious and cynical underlings would readily be found to advance to the Joint Chiefs and order the troops deployed.

So we move to occupy Greenland (obviously without a peep of objection, the odd furrowed brow apart, from the Senate), and tell the UN, Denmark presumably having protested, “fuck you (en).” What happens next? Russia annexes Norway, I imagine, and China moves on Taiwan. Good times!

Again, mere speculation. But we need to reposition this country to a point at which such speculation is utterly implausible.

cordially,

Dana Milbank in the WaPo today: “Greenland has no regular military, so we should be able to occupy every Nuuk and cranny of the place without much struggle.”

83°40' or fight!

Evil Arkansas Republican Senator—but I repeat myself—Tom Cotton doubles down in the NYT today:

After news leaked last week that President Trump had expressed interest in acquiring Greenland from Denmark, his critics predictably derided him as crazy. But once again, the president is crazy like a fox. The acquisition of Greenland would secure vital strategic interests for the United States, economically benefit both us and Greenlanders, and would be in keeping with American—and Danish—diplomatic traditions.

C’mon, you pastry-munching pussies. You yielded up your Virginity a century ago.

Beijing understands not only Greenland’s geographic importance but also its economic potential. Greenland is rich in a wide array of mineral deposits, including rare-earth minerals—resources critical to our high-tech and defense industries. China currently dominates the market in these minerals and has threatened to withhold them from us to gain leverage in trade negotiations. Greenland also possesses untold reserves of oil and natural gas.

Greenland also possesses untold reserves of oil and natural gas. And they’re just sitting there!

An agreement to transfer Greenland’s sovereignty must also serve the interests of our good friends, the Danes, and the 56,000 Greenlanders as well.

Wait, I’ll come in again.

Our nation has much to gain, as do the Danes and Greenlanders. While there are short-term obstacles, the same benefits could apply for Greenland today—and the manifest logic of this idea means that its consideration is here to stay.

You’ll want to take this offer. You might not like our next one.

cordially,

Now allow me to apologize, even more strongly, for ever defending anything about the South.

Your proposal is acceptable. Go, and sin no more. Incidentally, guess who’s apparently contemplating a run for the Arkansas governorship?

cordially,