I don't recall experiencing empathy in my life. I'm 49. Not a very stable loving household, either mine as a kid or adult. Lots of protective walls.

At age 18 I knew what it was conceptually, but at a distance.

As I raised kids, I felt bits of their pain, but I needed to maintain control so it was ignored, and I taught them to do the same by explaining it was never going away, and you're gonna have to learn to live with it. And by the way, people hate to hear us whine.

At age 45 I fell in love and allowed myself to experience shared emotions for the first time. Any empathetic tendencies at that point would be focused to THE loved one, loved ones, and immediate surrounding group.

I do NOT like to watch any type of movie where there is suffering. All of them have it, and I have my close my eyes moments. I have become too easily affected by it. I never enjoyed watching horror movies, and have no desire to experience other's fear. I will not imprint images in my brain that I don't want to pop up any second. And they are ALL in there somewhere.

But at the same time, I have a serious evil imaginative streak, which scares the hell out of anyone who has known me for enough time. And I can express it in the most evil ways. Not that you guys should be scared, not acting on those impulses.

Last night I had a brain rewiring experience. Generic across the board empathy with a suffering group of people. Film. Generic human experience as opposed to tribal warfare (which is pretty much all conflict), so no way of identifying with bad guys and rationalizing the behavior away. Victim, all the way.

I puked hard, immediately, no warning. The emotional pain was beyond anything I had ever experienced. Kept puking for about 3 minutes until it passed.

It was worth it. Wow. Opened up wiring I never had, or at least suppressed. It was probably good for all of us.