The tone is a problem, though.
Real financial people (including FBI directors handling money transfer issues) would not write "millions", for example. They would either give a specific figure (ironically, this is one of the few times that breaking from 419 style makes a document less believable) or write something like "substantial".
A nice memo-style for the most part, but breaks into a kind of thuggy vernacular from time to time.
Also, far too much information. Nobody in a large organization, much less a large law enforcement organization, would lay that many cards on the table in writing at once.
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