The tone is a problem, though.

Real financial people (including FBI directors handling money transfer issues) would not write "millions", for example. They would either give a specific figure (ironically, this is one of the few times that breaking from 419 style makes a document less believable) or write something like "substantial".

A nice memo-style for the most part, but breaks into a kind of thuggy vernacular from time to time.

Also, far too much information. Nobody in a large organization, much less a large law enforcement organization, would lay that many cards on the table in writing at once.

As a profession writer, I can do more for you than just a basic grammar check. And I won't charge you $1000 USD, I'll pay you the $1000 USD for the manuscript. Just reply with your name, address, West African ID number, bank routing number and account number, mother's maiden name, the name of your pet, and the name of the first school you attended and I'll send the check Fed-Ex or UPS. There will be extra funds in the casheirs check for you to pay my courier so he can pick up your manuscript, and an extra $10 USD to compensate you for the trople of going to the Western Union office. I hope you can do this in good faith.