CONSERVATIVE VIRGINS DONATE BLOOD FOR COULTER'S BATH

When best-selling author Ann Coulter arrived at Charles Coughlin College in Lynchville, Illinois, Ceci Lawrence was shocked."\ufffd She looked so different from her photos," the 22-year old co-ed marveled."\ufffd She had these long, bony fingers, and her skin was all stretched and thin like rice paper, and I remember thinking during her speech: she looks like a talking kite."\ufffd It was then that Ceci and several of her sorority sisters resolved to do something for their distinguished visitor.

"We decided to have a blood drive," Ceci said, "So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent.\ufffd Let\ufffds face it\ufffdshe travels all the time and that\ufffds got to play havoc with any sort of rigorous beauty regimen.\ufffd After all, the average human body only contains six quarts of blood, so you can imagine how many virgins it would take to fill up even one of those crappy little tubs at the Ramada Inn.\ufffd I mean, come on\ufffdshe can\ufffdt just keep dropping by Townhall.com and draining Ben Shapiro for a pint—he\ufffds starting to look bleached."

Finding a sufficient number of uncontaminated maidens, even on the campus of a conservative bible college, proved to be a chore.\ufffd "Yeah," observed Ceci.\ufffd "It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. \ufffdAnn is my role model."

[snip]

Born in the Hungary in 1560 as Elizabeth Bathory, the conservative sensation changed her name to Countess Marya Zaleska\ufffdupon first coming to the United States in 1936.\ufffd She later opted for the more Anglo-sounding Ann Coulter because, in her words, "I wanted my very name to announce my patriotic devotion to America," and because, "The FBI was closing in."

Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP\ufffds fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, "Pah!"

She added knowingly, "Look how enthusiastically the base has supported President Bush\ufffds tax cuts for the wealthy.\ufffd To me, that\ufffds a clear sign that the Heartland has given those of us in the upper echelons of society the go-ahead to live off the blood of our social inferiors. \ufffdThe way I like to think of it is: red states are red corpuscle states, brimming with life and vitality.\ufffd While the blue states are blood cells depleted of oxygen, the same way the Democrat party is depleted of ideas and morality. \ufffdIf American values and ideals are to survive, we must confront our political opponents, rip out their throats with our sharp incisors, and feed upon the warm blood flowing from their ruptured arteries."

As a tired Ceci poured the last bucketful of blood into her idol\ufffds copper bath, she paused to reflect on the day\ufffds labors.\ufffd "I\ufffdve learned more from Ann in one day than I think I\ufffdve learned from all my professors over the past four years. \ufffdI\ufffdve learned that liberals are traitors who want to destroy the nuclear family.\ufffd I\ufffdve learned that plasma is an excellent humectant.\ufffd And I\ufffdve learned which girls are really virgins, and which are letting the snake into the garden, if you know what I mean, because if Ann bathes in the blood of a soiled woman, she starts to smoke and shriek like a banshee. \ufffdIt\ufffds kind of like when you drop a piece of magnesium in water.\ufffd Except for the shrieking."