I'm replying in a seperate topic so that you don't have to read it - and you might not want to read it. Trust me, I'm going to be harsh. If you don't, then close this, mark read, and keep going. Remember, I'm also struggling with depression, and I have my losing days too. I have been struggling with it since I was six, and I didn't even know that was what I was struggling with until quite recently. I'm being this harsh because I *CARE* about you, not because I'm an asshole. :)

The other side of it: Don't reply to this unless you've read the whole thing AND you are willing to reply within the constraints listed. If you want to ignore this posting, you can post a reply saying "I didn't read it" - and that's fine.

[break space - don't read this unless you REALLY want to!]






























Norm, you fit the profile of a certain kind of depressed person: the Chronic Whiner. You complain endlessly about how much your life sucks, how much the world sucks, how you just feel like taking yourself out of the world on a daily basis. The problem with this viewpoint is that it sets you up to fail again and again - I know, because I've been there. As long as you fail, you're "safe" in your position - the Victim of Outside Forces.

Yeah, I know the world sucks. Life sucks, then you die, then they put you in a hole in the ground, and then the worms eat you. BE GLAD IT HAPPENS IN THAT ORDER!!!

I always laugh when I say that. People look at me weird, my wife doesn't like that saying - but it's my own personal victory over the Darkness. One thing I've learned is that there is only one thing you can control - yourself, and your attitude towards the SHIT that comes your way. If you resign that control, you're already dead - which is why you've never bothered to follow up on your suicide threats, you're already there. You also won't ever improve your situation if you're not willing to take some risks.

So you've got physical problems. Yeah, I've got some too. I've learned to live with them. (Crappy hearing, constant constipation, severe absent-mindedness [my wife says it's like living with an amnesiac sometimes], and my sight is starting to go) I've never skydived, saved a life (that I know of), or changed the world (once again, that I know of) but I'm still alive - and I've made one other person's life a little better, my wife's.

What about your wife and son? Have you made their life better? If you think it's just about how much money you can earn, then you really need to reexamine your values. Money is not everything. Toys are not everything. LOVE is not everything, but it counts for a hell of a lot. Fact is, you HAVE made their life better, and your conscious CHOICE to let your depression control you is HURTING them. You still do them good, but you do them bad as well - and killing yourself will do even more evil to them.

You don't have to be perfect - just perfectly willing. Perfectly willing to take responsibility for yourself, and your actions, and let everybody else take or refuse their own responsibility.

If you died today, could you look back at your life and say, "For everything that I did, right or wrong, no matter how it turned out, I do not regret any action that I took, because I took it, and nobody else made that choice for me."

I can do that. Not because I've never made any mistakes (I've made plenty) but because they were my mistakes.

Not my boss's.
Not my wife's.
Not my ex-girlfriend's.
Not my parent's.
Not the government's.
Not the rest of the universe, the multiverse, or God's fault. (Although, she does bear a different kind of responsibility...)

If you look back, and can't do that, then you NEED to start doing that.

Stop whining. When somebody kicks you down, stand back up with a fist. If that's not practical, then find some other way. But don't whine about it. It makes you look horrible, and it traps you.

When my wife was working on her Masters in Psychology, the greatest thing that I learned was that you can't cure somebody who doesn't want to be cured. Your whining is a defense of yours against changing yourself. There may be others. Look into yourself, and figure out what those defenses are. See what you are afraid of, why you're afraid of it, and FIX it, damnit.

Now, the groundrules for response:

No complaining about, "well, it's somebody else's fault because of this or that!" Yeah, but it's YOUR problem now, how are you going to fix it?

That's it. :)

Neither am I.

There is always room for improvement. Don't let what your doctor says kick you down - we all could use some self-improvement.

People on Yahoo impersonating you? Okay. Deal with it. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Note that nowhere did I talk about BLAME. I talked about RESPONSIBILITY.

BLAME is how we try to avoid RESPONSIBILITY.

I don't BLAME you for becoming what you did at the law firm. Hell, I might have, given the same circumstances. What is in your hands now is the RESPONSIBILITY to do better. BLAME makes people feel better, but it doesn't solve anything.

Finally, good luck. I know it's hard to deal with, I'm fighting the same demons you are. What (in my opinion) you need to do is to find the inner strength to look at the darkness and laugh. Ever read the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever? Saltheart Foamfollower would laugh through his pain, his mistakes, his mistrust of the world - and would come through purified. I laugh at my pain, my trials, my unemployment - and I am content.

Fight well, my friend.