I braved the ice today in my car to keep my appointment with the dr. (Only slid around a little. ;) Hehe).

Anyway, I talked to him at length and told him everything that has been going on with me since June (the family reunion), and I asked him if maybe we needed to do more with my anxiety medication or have me see someone in a therapy sense. I told him everything, about the blackouts, the funeral, John's car accident, etc. I also explained that nothing had slowed down since the reunion, that we hadn't had one month or a couple weeks go by without something new, bad or extreme happening to our family.

He agreed and said just the two blackout situations alone are pretty extreme and not usual for our city. But he told me that when he looked at me, he didn't see someone in front of him that was falling apart. He said he saw someone who was coping quite well, despite feeling like I was falling apart. He said he was very proud of me, for facing all my fears during all these major crisises like the blackouts and the funeral, and that I was really doing remarkably well!

I said, well I feel like I'm falling apart sometimes, and he told me that is ok to feel, but it is because II'm still afraid to trust my own judgement. But he told me, I do have good judgement. I said that was what my counselor said to me too, when he told me I was done with therapy. He said you know what to do now to counter and handle your anxiety, you have all the tools you need to use, but you have to do it. No one else can make you. So my doctor gave me an analogy today. He said exactly. It's like learning to whistle. We can tell you everything about how to whistle, but YOU have to be the one to achieve it, we can't whistle for you.

So he concluded that I don't need further therapy at this time, nor do I need more medication. We talked about the spasms and how they lasted 3 weeks after the funeral, and now I know that in a situation like that again, I should take more than one dose a couple nights apart. He wasn't even upset about the bronchitis, because he understood the spasms masked it. I'm still learning from all the experiences, and he was proud to hear that.

He told me to use my support system (here, John, my RL friends, other online groups, etc), to help me when I'm confused about something, He was proud of me for posting in here about my state of mind and being open to Another Scott's suggestion that maybe it was more about taking care of mom and dad than the fact that dad's sister died. He told me to use that support system when I need a little guidance or encouragement, (which is what you all provided here), but ultimately, I have to trust myself and be confident in my own decisions, and no one can make that happen except me.

And unfortunately, mom questions every move I make, which my dr said makes it harder. But for example, today, she wanted me to cancel this dr appointment due to the ice and stay home and safe and not drive. But I wouldn't have been able to see him for another month or more, so I decided to go. Mom was upset about it, but I faced my fear and went. And that, he told me was a sound decision, because I dealt with the anxiety and drove anyway. Plus I told mom, she wasn't fair. She gets mad when I try something scary or possibly risky, but yet she is embarassed if I can't do something seemingly simple like drive on ice or drive alone to Illinois. So mom admitted she had a hard time resolving those two fears and grudgingly admitted she was proud of me for going and succeeding. Wow, PROGRESS!

I'm my own worst enemy, because I doubt myself the minute someone questions my decision making, especially mom. Guess I should start working harder on learning how to "whistle" ;)

Anyway, that's the way the dr appointment went. And I want to add, that the soundboarding is a tool all my therapists told me to use. It isn't really a substitute for actual therapy, I even used it during actual therapy. What it's designed to do is to pour out your thoughts somewhere to help me see other avenues to try, or to help me come to a hidden understanding of some fear or doubt when I'm too confused by everything going on to be sure. I had no clue my fears were based on future worry about taking care of my parents, and I appreciate Scott helping me see that. Since then, I've talked to my family about this, and if mom and dad were to need such care, it would not all fall on me. That was a huge relief and eased a lot of the stress. Thanks, Scott!

One more thing and I'll shush. ;) My doctor was so so proud of me for coping with all this as well as I have. He was amazed I haven't had one ambulance ride or one Grand Mal Attack this year, and he told me he has complete confidence in my ability to get through this family crisis state and back to some semblance of normal. He said that since I only have what's called "situational panic anxiety" instead of the actual "Panic Anxiety Disorder", that is what gives me the strength and confidence to face my fears rather than hide at home and never try anything scary or face anything that makes me anxious. Some people have panic anxiety so bad they won't leave their homes! Wow, I can't imagine that.

He also said that it only appears that the smaller things cause me extreme anxiety right now (such as mom being upset that her Thank You cards I was supposed to help with weren't out yet), but it's really just that there's so many larger things causing all that anxiety that one more smaller thing is simply one more thing too many. That's when he tells me to vent online, to someone, to anyone, whatever helps to get some of my thoughts straight, verbalized, and in order. And I did, and it worked. :)

So instead of feeling like I haven't been coping very well, I'm supposed to try and be proud of myself (which is hard for me) at how much I've accomplished and how many fears I've faced this year. And he told me no one can make me believe and have confidence in myself except myself, no matter what they do.

So thanks for all your support, and it's nice to be able to come here and vent when I feel like it's not a good idea in other locales online. And I really do appreciate all your advice and soundboarding help. :)

Brenda

Edit: I changed Grand Mal Seizure to Grand Mal Attack to differentiate it more from epilepsy. Sorry for the mistake.

as in epilepsy? So these "anxiety" attacks could be very petites? Well it sounds like you have 2 feet on the ground and by the conversations that swirl about me at work you are reasonably normal, even outside of St Louis

No, not exactly. I don't know what very petites means, but I know Grand Mal normally makes people think of epilesy, but I don't have that. What is sometimes loosely termed as a "Grand Mal Panic Attack" (probably for lack of a better word), is when a person hyperventilates and shakes so badly that they fall on the floor gasping and writhing and usually a paramedic is called. (Although John got me out of one of those once in our house, by managing to hold me and calm me down and get me to breathe).

I've only dhad one of those a few times in my life, usually when I get a sudden shock like being fired from somewhere, or when a friend of mine lied to the police about me and I was so shocked I had one.

I haven't had one of those in over a year, and normally now I can prevent it from becoming that bad in normal situations. Also, most people I will ever be around, (including any employers), are informed what they need to do when/if it ever happens, so I am rarely in a place where someone can't help. I also plan to put an emergency card stating "I'm having a panic attack, please help me to calm down and breathe" with emergency phone numbers in my fanny pack and car, so that I can hand it to a stranger, rather than gasping out the words between breaths like I did the morning of the funeral.

When I feel panic coming on while driving, I stop the car in the first safe place, and I've never had a full attack while driving so far.

Box you're right though, I've become pretty grounded these days, and I also have come a long long way since being diagnosed with this situational panic anxiety in 1984. I haven't had an ambulance ride or an attack I was unable to stop with help since 1996. :)

Thanks for the encouragement!

Brenda

The term is also loosely used by doctors, patients and therapists to describe a complete panic attack (I just explained it all in my reply to Boxely).

And the words panic attack are always included, as in "Grand Mal Panic Attack" not the word "seizure."

I was unable to drive much when I was first diagnosed because I didn't have all the tools in place to know how to breathe and calm down and stop shaking if I got panicked, but now I have a pretty good handle on all that as the morning of the funeral, surprisingly proved to me. :)

Don't worry Peter, it only seriously affects people's ability to drive if part of the things that causes their anxiety is driving itself, and that's not the case with me. :)

Brenda