Sorry I haven't been in here, but I had a major medical setback on March 22nd, one that caused me to have a panic-attack seizure, and also caused me to rethink a lot of things.

I'm in a better place now, mentally and emotionally, but it's been a long hard haul. I've learned to say no to people, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it so far. I've learned to not be bothered by how the committee members, especially Katie, feels about me, and somehow, internally, I resolved things inside myself and found peace again.

I'm sorry I missed all the birthdays, job support threads, sympathy or prayer requests, etc, I'll do my best to catch up sometime on those. Please accept all belated greetings, support, sympathy, or prayers on my behalf.

I also want to thank you all, because you helped me come to this conclusion internally, even though I wasn't in here discussing it with you all this time.

Brenda

Be strong, Owl. Old habits die hard; your recent experience lend weight to your convictions now - I truly hope you have enough POSITIVE reinforcement after to help you keep it up.

Actually, I have a new source of positive reinforcement, and it's coming from inside of me. That was an unexpected turn of events, that came about when one after another little things began to happen to sort of point me at the knowledge that I am valuable to many people and I do have a very important purpose in life.

Katie just hit me in my group with the sentence that used to crash me to the ground every time she said it last year, and all I did was read it, think to myself, yep, that's what I figured you would write, and move beyond it. I don't even care, I don't feel hurt, I don't feel anything other than peace. The old Owl would have responded. The old Owl would have been hurt. The old Owl would have been angry. The new Owl just plain doesn't care. I will not let anyone steer me onto another collision course like last year.

That's kinda up to you, though. Please try to see the good things that come out of new behaviour. People need both the good and the bad.

I think I've seen a lot of both. I know I'm not one of the most favorite posters here, and that doesn't bother me much anymore, for a number of reasons. I've learned that sharing your problems with the right people can bring about wonderful things. It can solve problems, it can mend fences, and it can even save people's lives.

I have tried to share less and less, in places where it seems like it isn't needed or wanted, but oddly enough, even in the places where I shared so little, things happened that surprised me. Someone reached out to me from behind the screen, saying she identified with my panic anxiety issues and needed to talk to me. Someone I did not know, and who told me she trusted so few. And helping her to find her balance, and make the decision to find another therapist (her's had retired), well, it taught me something about myself. It showed me that I am someone people feel they can trust, people feel they can reach out to, and people feel they can talk to. And that in and of itself, was priceless to learn.

The good things that come out of new behavior, well, one of them is peace with my choices. the other day Katie tried to badger me into agreeing to handle the money for another stupid family book. I said NO. She continued, and I continued to say NO. And when she hung up, I felt positive and satisfied, not frustrated and guilty. It felt good to set that boundary, state my position and stick to it. And I intend to hold my ground.

I've emerged from a very dark place inside myself where I was trying to go and hide, and I have absolutely no interest in returning there again.

Thanks for the support!

Brenda