The Highly Sensitive Person/Owl
I've been reading "The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You." by Elaine N. Aron Ph. D. This is sort of a review, and sort of a revelation about the book in regard to me.
I balked at first about reading this book, because all I heard last year was that I was too sensitive, I needed to learn to let things "roll off my back" or not to let things "get to me", "Go read your Sensitive Book", etc. etc. Well, there some types of people can do that, and others, like me, we can't. What HSP's do is something entirely different. We work "through" things, learn from them and heal in that manner. And usually, we take longer to heal from things as well.
So when I first started reading this book last year, I was skeptical because I was afraid. I was afraid that the book would confirm what had been said to me repeatedly, that I was indeed, too sensitive, and needed to "get over it." so to speak. Well, to my surprise and delight, it didn't say that at all. Instead, it said that myself and other HSPs (highly sensitive people) are a very valuable type of human being, with unique talents, skills, habits and other positive qualities.
The events of last year changed me a lot. Maybe there are people in the world who can go through emotional upheavals, relationship changes, self-esteem crashes and depression and not be forever changed, but I'm not one of them. Some of the scars from last year are still trying to heal. Occasionally one of them rips open and hurts, but mostly now they are in the healing process.
As a result of last year, I'm a little less confident, a lot more cautious about trusting anyone, a lot more nervous about how people will feel about how I think, feel, or what I write, and a lot more uncomfortable with my immediate family. Is any of this good? I can't be sure. Caution is always a good thing, I guess. Too much caution, well that can prevent things from ever going forward. Confidence, well, that comes back with time, I hope. I get a little more confident about some things each day, less confident about myself but that's coming along as well. The trick is the "how people might feel about what I say, write, do, or how I am." That's the hard one. It would be nice to say it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me, but it's not something I can say in truth. And I don't like to intentionally hurt people, but it's hard when just being you can cause that sometimes.
However, there comes a time when you have to look at your emotional investments and decide what is still worth your time and energy and what isn't. You can't ever change how people feel about you, not even with time and effort, for the most part. They have to make those changes themselves. So all you can change is how you feel about YOURSELF, and how you react to things, or let them affect you or not. And that is the struggle I've been going through since last year, trying to get back to the point where it doesn't matter how anyone else sees me, I can be secure in the knowledge that I am OK, just like I am. I am not broken, I do not need fixing, and I do not need help, except when I ask for it.
Most of my depression last year stemmed from worrying that the things being said to me were true. Ank, my counselor for many years, had taught me to examine any criticism of myself and see if it had that grain of truth, or that kernel of doubt so that I could keep myself in balance and not backslide into the person I used to be. Well, I have examined it for months, read books, talked to people, and now I know that the things said to me and about me last year were not true of me. That was a help in getting me over the hump of depression.
The next thing that helped me further along was learning that all this self-doubt and questioning was affecting John and I. So that became the higher priority, over all else. Now we clarify, we make sure we're on the same page. And I've carried that clarification over to other people. Mom and I were talking on the phone last night and had to clarify about something as well, so we knew we were talking about the same thing. It's very easy to get into a conversation and somehow get off on the wrong page with one another. So this has been an effective tool I've been using.
After that, it was a matter of figuring out what was next in line of importance. Repairing broken or damaged relationships/friendships was next, as well as establishing a new role in the reunion committee for myself. Each damaged relationship has its various stages of repair, some are coming along better than others, but that's normal. Time hopefully will ease that process along much better.
But the negative impact is still here with me some. I'm afraid to post in my own group lest I upset my cousin. I'm more hesitant, even with my close trusted friends, I'm more quiet, I socialize less at church again, and I always seem to be more worried about being careful not to upset anyone all the time. But what about me? Don't I have the right not to be upset all the time too?
That's where the book comes in nicely. It's teaching me the value of being a sensitive person. It's teaching me how to counter the drawbacks of society not recognizing this as a normal, healthy way to be. Society is wrong, as this is actually a more healthy way to be than holding it all in, or blowing it all off. According to the book, more illnesses and stress-related diseases happen to the ones who do not "express" or "demonstrate" their feelings.
And let's clarify the sensitive part. This isn't about being "sensitive to someone's feelings or insensitive. This is a different sort of sensitive. It's about how we process more subtle stimuli, i.e. how we see, sense, feel, and perceive any given situation. The HSP, such as me, takes in more of the feel, the atmosphere, the moods of the people, etc. The non-HSP notices the basics, and senses none of those things as a rule. This is largely inherited, according to the book, but can also be changed or influenced by traumas or other dramatic events in a child's/person's life.
It explains it in a herd-sense. In a herd of animals, there are 46 percent that wander around, doing their thing, and who are doers more than thinkers. If they sense something, their impulse is to rush headlong into it without thinking. Whereas, the other 22 percent are sitting around watching, on the alert, aware of dangers approaching, aware of new sources of food, changes in the wind, etc. It's the 22 percent that help guard the herd and keep them safe. It even jokes that we probably need more non-HSPs than HSPs because the non-HSPs tend to rush out and get killed more easily, and exercise less caution.
Well, I examined all of this information, and I found that I have a lot to be proud of, as an HSP. It asks you in the book, to think of a time when your higher sensitivity saved a life, for example. Well, I heard the CO detector and responded when it went off, where John said he noticed the sound and just wondered about it at first. I probably helped to save us then. There's all the times that I've noticed subtle noises with my car, or things that just weren't right... and sometimes it was as serious as "your tire was about to fall off." Isn't that what they mean? I've even noticed subtle things on John's car that even he doesn't hear at first. But they turned out to be important and need repair.
It says that HSPs are the thinkers. We even love to think about thinking. And it debunks the myth that the non-HSP's hold about us, they seem to believe we are unhappy. The reason they think that is because if they had to think as much as we do, and analyze as much as we do, they WOULD be unhappy. They just don't realize that for us, it's who and what we are, and we often enjoy the thinking challenges or analytical processes we go through. I know I do. I love to puzzle things through in my mind.
It says HSPs are more influenced by the arts. We are the more likely writers, musicians, painters, etc. We are also the breed that produces the scientists, rsearchers, lawyers, etc. So there are many places where HSPs thrive and fit in nicely in the world.
The drawbacks it explains in detail, which helped me understand many things about myself. One of the things it explains is that HSPs get overwhelmed much easier than non-HSPs. For example, noise that is loud and bothersome for a non-HSP is terribly annoying for an HSP. I recognized this in my own life, when I went out to eat with John the other day, I noticed that I processed all the subtle things around me, the people talking in various booths, the odd smell in the air, the lighting, the mood, etc. No wonder it's harder sometimes for me to concentrate, you almost need a filter to screen out all the background noises. This probably explains why I enjoy staying up late, working on more complicated things when everyone else is asleep. It's peaceful, it's quiet, it's calm. It probably also explains why I always worked better alone when employed. I'm not a terribly good team player, although I try.
Anyway, as I go on reading this book, I am learning how to better understand myself, how to understand others better who are not as sensitive, and how to live with the public opinion that my inherited and valuable trait is usually viewed as negative, as something to fix, or change. I'm learning to be proud of my sensitive nature, and more accepting of others who are less sensitive. I consider this to be a major breakthrough in my life, and something that warrants a lot of thought and study.
So starting today, I am going to do my best to just be me again. To feel free to be who I am, say what I want, and post how I feel in my own group at any given moment, and to feel safe doing it again. Caution in moderation is good, but caution in an overly-cautious sense can be inhibiting. And I'm ready to "fly" again.
If anyone has any feedback to offer about this, it would be welcome. :)
Brenda
