who redefined customer?

My employer purchased one of these fatuous TQM packages off the shelf from a consulting firm, and what a creepy confluence of corporate bloody-mindedness and new-age touchy-feely nomenclature that led to! This is about 1995. By 1998 top management had turned over again, and suddenly "process owners," who had proliferated during the palmy days of the reorg, went streaking for the tall grass. We've had one or two additional reorgs since then, and each time the old Bolsheviks, those who aren't flexible enough to turn on ever-smaller dimes, go trundling down to our inhouse Lubyanka basement.

I can retire in two years. It's better if I can spin things out for another five. But I do so hope to scramble out from under this ancient edifice (we've been doing business from approximately the same address in San Francisco since shortly after the Gold Rush) before it finally collapses and kills anyone who happens to be sitting at a workstation underneath.

cordially,

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a Six Sigma Black Belt." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog!"

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