Another viewpoint
I'll probably regret trying this post, but I figure if it's to hopefully save your life, I've got nothing to lose.
Ross, I was there once too. I wanted to kill myself rather than face the work place, rather than try to work again. I was disgusted with the whole system, disenchanted with employers and their values, and completely blind-sided by how people could behave.
I went into a deep depression, and I didn't care. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything. Some of the sleeplessness you describe sounds to me like depression. I'm not a doctor, but you could check with your doctor and ask if you need something to help you sleep.
But I learned something in that dark period, and it was a hard lesson. I learned that suicide was NOT the answer. It wasn't what would solve everything. In fact, it was the easy way to avoid the responsibility of taking care of me.
I was tired of fighting, heck, I still am, tired of fighting the system. I didn't believe in being a "showplace" secretary, and I still won't do it. I was hit on by potential employers, and wouldn't even consider working there. I wanted to give up, completely.
But I am still here, plodding on, fighting on, trying new strategies every day, and trying to believe that somewhere out there, there IS a place for me in the work force, and that IF it is truly there, I'll find it.
Granted, I don't have to fear losing my roof, and I know that can be frightening, because I was there once too, in that dark depressive period, I lost my apt and I had to be back with my parents. You claim you have nowhere to go, but all you need is one friend or one person to help you out, just a little, here or there and keep you on your feet until you ARE able to do it yourself.
It CAN be done. I know you think it can't, but it can. And it is honestly, your choice whether you keep on plodding on, and keep on fighting, or lie down and die.
I can't make that choice for you, but I pray every day that you'll make the right one.
Nightowl >8#
