Good question...

Post #140,203 by Nightowl 2/6/04 1:53:26 AM Reply	Good question... I used to think so little of myself because I never felt worthwhile, made bad or stupid decisions, and was devalued by most people. Now I actually feel better about myself, although not where I would like it to be, so I'm not sure why I can't just trust that I have changed, and I am not that person who doesn't make stupid mistakes anymore. No, I'm not stupid, but I still remember those mistakes... And I've been out on that edge before, more literally than you realize, and I know it's sad out there. But if you stay out there where it's so sad, you never find the light that is inside you, and you never find that inner happiness. Maybe it is just you, because I don't think life in the US sucks. Sure, it could be better, but bottom line, I'm not living a bad life. I actually almost like myself now, I'm feeling more and more positive about reentering the work force, and I have people around me who care about me. So I ask myself sometimes, why I still go out on those limbs to those people who are hanging there, why I try to reach out to the ones who close the doors of life and huddle behind them... and the answer is always the same... why not? Maybe the world isn't so great, Ross, but the part of the world that we are in, however small or large, whether real or virtual, can be made as great as we choose, or as bad as we choose. Personally, I choose to do my best to make it great. :) Nightowl >8# "To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are." Eric Hoffer
Post #140,204 by deSitter 2/6/04 2:00:44 AM Reply	Re: Good question... You're just afraid to face how horrible it is. People are horrible, the country is horrible, friends turn out to be liars and cheats, institutions crumble under greed and venality, lies are set up as truth, you can trust no one, it's all an endless vortex of crudity and waste. It is a horrible world we made for ourselves, filled with misery and suffering and a mass of hopeless people with an iron boot jammed into their collective napes, trying to pretend it's some fucking paradise on a hill. There is nothing wrong with you - when you live in a stinking hell like this, you can't help but feel bad if your eyes are half open - you've chosen to blame yourself and you shouldn't do that. Personally, I can live with the horror of truth, because the horror of living a lie is far worse. -drl
Post #140,205 by Nightowl 2/6/04 2:09:28 AM 2/6/04 2:12:02 AM Reply	But the key word is "some"... Some people are horrible, some things about the country are horrible, some friends turn out to be liars and cheats (had personal experience there), some institutions crumble, others survive, and some people CAN be trusted. It's that difference, that word "some" that gives people hope. I'm not afraid to face the truth at all. I'm scared to death to go downtown in broad daylight. I know not all people are good and very bad things happen everywhere. And yes, it makes you feel bad that you aren't even brave enough to go downtown by yourself, but on the other hand, you are seeing the reality. It's finding even one person who isn't horrible, or one person who is honest or one institution that doesn't screw you over, that makes it all worth it. I'm not really blaming myself anymore. I used to, I listened to everyone who blamed me. I thought I was put on earth to be kicked around, put down and treated bad. Thank God I woke up, and I realized I had just as much value as anyone else. I'm just still adjusting to that realization, and trying to overcome years of believing I was worthless. And I feel I am making progress, because every day I feel better and better about myself, who I am, and what I do. But I'm a long long way from admiring myself in the mirror, if ever. I don't think I'll ever want to do that. I consider it a major breakthrough that you and I can even have a reasonable conversation, which I feel we are. I considered it a breakthrough today when Marlowe told me, "That's fair" in response to something I had said. Like you said, in so many words, if I considered either a hopeless cause, I'd abandon it. Nightowl >8# Edit: corrected spelling of Marlowe. "To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are." Eric Hoffer Edited by Nightowl Feb. 6, 2004, 02:12:02 AM EST Expand All History
Post #140,206 by deSitter 2/6/04 2:13:39 AM 2/6/04 2:14:37 AM Reply	Re: But the key word is "some"... Enjoy your book - there is nothing wrong with you. I'm just consumed by bitterness and there is no way out. I'm sorry. -drl Edited by deSitter Feb. 6, 2004, 02:14:37 AM EST Expand All History
Post #140,207 by Nightowl 2/6/04 2:15:26 AM Reply	I'm sorry too. :) For anything and everything I've ever done to upset you. I'm truly glad that you are healing and getting better, and that the benefits might be extended. Take care Ross, cheer up, at least we didn't get the 4 inches of snow! ;) Nite Nite Brenda "To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are." Eric Hoffer
Post #140,208 by deSitter 2/6/04 2:20:27 AM Reply	Re: I'm sorry too. :) Why? WHY ARE YOU SORRY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR? I was the asshole, I get to say I'm sorry! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. -drl
Post #140,251 by Nightowl 2/6/04 10:30:11 AM Reply	Okay then. :) Nightowl >8# "To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are." Eric Hoffer

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