As you know, because I posted it recently, I was diagnosed with Migraine headaches in June. Having that first really bad monster headache kinda gave me a wake up call, and prompted me to change a lot about my life.

I stopped putting other people before me as a rule, with a few special exceptions, like my husband and family. I stopped pushing myself to be online and keep people posted where I was or how I was doing. I started monitoring my caffiene intake, which wasn't excessive anyway, my food intake and my stress level. And probably most importantly, I reduced my stress level.

Mostly I did that by getting more sleep, eating better and getting less involved in other people's situations. I also told myself that many things that used to matter a lot just weren't worth it, AND I started learning some simple exercises to do before bed and at the computer to relax my head and neck.

However... (yes, there's a but), some of those changes didn't sit well with people. Some people didn't like me not getting involved anymore. Some people outright ignored my requests to keep me out of stressful situations, and in at least one case, I ended a friendship to prevent an undue stress.

I feel a little guilty about this, but if I've done all I could to get the person to understand that certain things had to change, and he still refused to see it, haven't I done all I can?

I was never a selfish person, and taking care of me more feels a little selfish, I'll admit that. But honestly, I have not had another bad headache since June 12, when the first one ended, and I have had a happier outlook on life, less anxiety and less hassle online since removing this person from my life. Even though he was only an online person that I had never met, I take friendship very seriously, and it was a hard decision to make... but I hope it was for the better.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, or why I'm posting this, except maybe for someone to tell me it wasn't bad to do what I did... although I realize I should know that myself. still it's always hard to hurt anyone, and I hate to do it ever.

Nightowl >8#

You are only obligated to your husband and family. And yourself. As an adult, you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

Other relationships are just to enhance your life. If they don't, or if they do but at the cost of damaging stress, you need to think of your obligations first. If you have a hard time with your obligations to yourself, think of your husband and family - they need you healthy.

Thanks, I know this all deep down inside, but it helps when it's reinforced by others, it makes me feel less selfish about taking care of me and my family first.

I don't think you can ask others to keep you out of stressfull situations, though. That's up to you. Remember their problems are not your problems. Choose to help when you can and want to, not as an automatic thing. You aren't everybody's Mom, you don't have to always be there for them. Let your "yes" be special and don't let your "no" be a big let-down. Look for the third option - "Here, I'll do X2 instead", where X2 is not what is asked but what you can do without stress. When you can do that, you are helping but people are learning that they can't count on using you. And, frankly, those who aren't willing to enjoy your company on that basis, well, that's not friendship, that's exploitation. It isn't fun. It isn't good for you. You don't need it. You don't owe it. You can't afford it. If you take it, you will fail those who have a right to count on you.

Well regarding on asking them to keep me out of stressful situations, what I meant was asking them not to have me be a go-between for them and others, or to not drag me into fights that weren't mine. This however happened recently with someone online, and I basically didn't put up with it or accept it. Is it wrong to ask people not to try and put you in the middle of stuff? If it is, I'll look for other ways.

I like your idea of finding the middle answer, not the whole thing, not saying no, but doing what I feel I can. Gonna keep that one in mind! Thanks!

Nightowl >8#

To ask people not to put you in the middle?

Absolutely not. Very wrong and rude of them to put you in a position where you have to ask.

Thanks that is really I guess, what I wanted to hear. I think my biggest problem with the whole situation is that I had to actually cut someone off, (end an online friendship) because this person refuses to stop doing just that, putting me in the middle time and time again. I feel bad because I decided to cut him off though, because I'm usually someone who works hard to find other solutions besides that one. But he's been doing this for over a year now, and well... I don't see any sign of a change in sight. (sigh).

And that third way, when it works out really well, isn't a matter of going partway. The best is when you can counter-offer with more than what was asked for, but more of something that doesn't stress you.

Okay, that makes sense, and I think I'm actually doing that with a project the church asked me to do for them. I at first felt overwhelmed with their request, but then they told me to use my creativity and imagination, and I turned it into a fun project rather than a chore. :) Is that what you mean? Plus, I am in a sense making it nicer than they asked for (it's arranging a bunch of pictures on posterboard with headings and etc, but I made it more decorative). Is that what you mean by offering more than what was asked for, but it doesn't stress you?

Thanks for your input. I honestly think I just have to come to terms with the fact that it's ok to take care of me, and when people aren't willing to go along with that, (such as the person I cut off), they can't be part of my life.

Nightowl >8#