To all a merry "Ho, Ho, Ho"

Subject: Notification of service change

Letter from Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Southern
Missouri and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, which happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave a Coke cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff
though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Martin, on Gordon, on Andretti
and Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other. And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus