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New So we laid my father to rest today.
I haven't been very vocal about it, but Dad started developing Alzhiemer's-based dementia about 5 or 6 years ago. We did what we could to slow it down, but there is still a lot of guesswork involved and we had no idea how well it was working.

He got bad enough about 8 months ago that my sister and I started looking at assisted care of some sort, as Mum was finding it increasingly difficult to look after him. That quickly proved slow to get and he continued to decline. It was made worse because he was losing the facility to reason which meant Mum lost her main way of getting him to do things. He was starting to get incontinent, too. So we got him into an aged-care facility.

Well, the dementia marched on, didn't it. By the time we put him in a home, he had largely forgotten how to read and talking was an effort. Christmas Day and he was losing his sense of balance which meant he now had trouble walking. Two weeks ago and he couldn't even stand on his own. The dementia was taking his autonomic functions.

He stopped being able to eat and swallow a somewhat over a week ago. He died last Thursday.

We filled the chapel at the cemetery - I estimated something like 110 people turned up from a number of different walks in life, many of who I had known. I kept getting comments afterward about how good my 3 minutes of words were. I'm glad there was a burial and not a cremation.

In a way, he was long gone. Today was just a final farewell. We'd been cleaning out the family home for a couple of weeks already as Mum has also been in aged care for about 2 months.

Wade.
New I feel for you, I'm going through that now.
My father is 95 years old. He was taken to the emergency ward about 2 months ago, with a blood pressure of 50/40. He bounced back but he still has stage 4 bladder cancer and stage 3 kidney failure. He's at home now, with hospice coming in periodically; keep him comfortable and nothing else. I've been spending as much time as I can with him but we all know it's EOL. He hasn't displayed much in the way of dementia before but he's getting confused more frequently now.

You have my sincere sympathy; I truly know what you went through.
"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."
~ AMBROSE BIERCE
(1842-1914)
New Condolences to both of you. It's hard. Remember the good times.
New So sorry for both of you.
As that other Scott says, remember the good times. Thinking good thoughts for you.
Regards,
-scott
Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson.
New no words, my sympathies
"Science is the belief in the ignorance of the experts" – Richard Feynman
New Very sorry to hear that, Wade!
The long slide down are hard to take.
Alex

"There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge."

-- Isaac Asimov
New Sorry too, that so much piling-on is happening.
Air, fire, delusional government, then such a lengthy ... waiting.

As 'Conservator' of a similarly (already declined) Aunt, I recall her period of content: she was a 5-7 yo and seemingly content in that role; earlier she had come up with pure poetry,
"I don't know who I am
I don't know where I am
There's no place I want to go
And nothing I want to do".

But there was a Consciousness there, despite. Perhaps your father had some contented moments, though unable to communicate the mood..

Wishing you some peace.
New Sorry to hear that. Dementia is very cruel, to the suffer and their family.
New You have my sympathies as well. Take care of yourself.
bcnu,
Mikem

It's mourning in America again.
New Sincere condolences. Take care.
New Understand how it is - and my condolences
Denise, a long ago live-in girlfriend had come to me for assistance now and then for 30 years or so. She was finally confined to a board and care for about 5 years. She had no other support, so I'd fetch her out of there for dinner and overnight about once a week - but then she came down with lung cancer (heavy smoker). She died much more quickly than expected because it hit her throat. She starved to death. I last saw her minutes or at most a couple hours before she died.
New The grieving will come in waves, I know.
Realized (during the funeral!) that my mother doesn't know how to let me grieve and probably doesn't know how to grieve herself. But I have friends I can talk too and I think I will taking up some of those offers.

Wade.
New (Belated, sorry) Condolences, commiserations, sympathies.
I don't know how to let you grieve either, but if you need to cry -- or just talk -- over a beer or six, just hop on a plane to .fi and we'll... Oh well, I can see how that would be a tad impractical. :-( But, hey, I was going to pay for the beers.

If and when you feel up to it -- and if not, please just ignore -- satisfy my curiosity?:
I'm glad there was a burial and not a cremation.
Why?
--

   Christian R. Conrad
The Man Who (used to think he) Knows Fucking Everything


Mail: Same username as at the top left of this post, at iki.fi
New The sentiments are much appreciated.
It could be argued I ought to be travelling more, anyway, since I work for a travel company. :-)

But anyway. The reason I was glad it was a burial was because it felt like a proper unhurried farewell as the last words were said and he was lowered to his literal final resting place. A funeral that ends with a cremation generally ends with the curtains closing in the front of the chapel and that's that. But instead, we had a reasonably pleasant walk of maybe 300 metres from the chapel to the gravesite. We were relatively unrushed by the gravesite whereas we only had 45 minutes in the chapel.

Wade.
New There's a variant on cremation.
My mother instructed me that she did not want a funeral or a viewing, that she wanted to be cremated. My mom was fairly stubborn about this, but I did ask her, "Well, how about if we have a memorial some time after the family's had a chance to grieve your passing? After all, the funeral isn't for you, is it? It's for the surviving family." She agreed. So roughly two months after her death, we had a memorial. A large turnout of the family was present and although there were some tears, most of the event surrounded sharing stories about my mother's life (many had never been known or heard but by a few family members) and more than a few laughs. My wife and kids then invited everyone to her house where we had a good old southern barbecue (my mom lived in NC).
bcnu,
Mikem

It's mourning in America again.
New My grandfather's wishes ...
He had several dogs. He said when he died to stick a bone up his ass and let the dogs drag him away and bury him. That wasn't legal in Pennsylvania ... we checked.

His wife died first, and after the service he didn't show at the gravesite. She had told him, "Don't come to the grave to say goodbye, I won't be there. Go fishing, I'll know where to find you."
--

Drew
New My sister's memorial is near the end of June.
Regards,
-scott
Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson.
New Ah, gotcha.
Yeah, with a cremation the bit in church is shorter and the ending may feel somewhat abrupt. There is of course (at least here in the Nordics) another ceremony to lower the ashes -- but that will of necessity have to be after burning, cooling down, raking out the oven and gathering up the ashes, etc, so usually not even on the same day.

The last three [=all the?] funerals I've attended have been cremations, but in at least one of them I only attended the first part... So, I should maybe have got that it was for practical reasons. But since I didn't, thanks for answering.
--

   Christian R. Conrad
The Man Who (used to think he) Knows Fucking Everything


Mail: Same username as at the top left of this post, at iki.fi
New I was surprised to learn it was to be a burial.
Most people go for cremation because burial plots are expensive and it's not a large cemetary. But Mum and Dad had purchased a double plot some years before when the cemetery had a sale (!).

We had considered a thanksgiving service afterward where we wouldn't be constrained by time but the logistics got too difficult.

Wade.
New My belated condolences as well
The last time I went back to Belgium was for my stepdad's funeral. He was cremated but we had the urn at the ceremony so the entire process just flowed without any rush.

The final act, next day, was to spread his ashes at the local cemetery according to Masonic rites. Unfortunately for the hapless funeral director, it was the foggiest day of the year and we could barely make him out standing a few meters in front of us. When he asked my Mom in which direction she wanted the ashes spread, she responded "East, in the direction the sun rises". Poor guy about sank in the ground himself :-/
New I'm sorry to hear that Wade.
My best to you and your family.
     So we laid my father to rest today. - (static) - (20)
         I feel for you, I'm going through that now. - (hnick) - (2)
             Condolences to both of you. It's hard. Remember the good times. -NT - (Another Scott) - (1)
                 So sorry for both of you. - (malraux)
         no words, my sympathies -NT - (boxley)
         Very sorry to hear that, Wade! - (a6l6e6x)
         Sorry too, that so much piling-on is happening. - (Ashton)
         Sorry to hear that. Dementia is very cruel, to the suffer and their family. -NT - (pwhysall)
         You have my sympathies as well. Take care of yourself. -NT - (mmoffitt)
         Sincere condolences. Take care. -NT - (dmcarls)
         Understand how it is - and my condolences - (Andrew Grygus)
         The grieving will come in waves, I know. - (static)
         (Belated, sorry) Condolences, commiserations, sympathies. - (CRConrad) - (7)
             The sentiments are much appreciated. - (static) - (6)
                 There's a variant on cremation. - (mmoffitt) - (2)
                     My grandfather's wishes ... - (drook)
                     My sister's memorial is near the end of June. -NT - (malraux)
                 Ah, gotcha. - (CRConrad) - (1)
                     I was surprised to learn it was to be a burial. - (static)
                 My belated condolences as well - (scoenye)
         I'm sorry to hear that Wade. - (jake123)

And on mic: the l-l-lovely... Cher!
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