For the record: Mrs. Tawagotchi was my sex ed. teacher. If you’re out there, Mrs. Tawagotchi, I want to let you know that I have never, ever forgiven you for the following: Flunking me on the STD test for cheating, when I hadn’t cheated; poking holes in the demo condoms so we wouldn’t use them; kicking me out of the classroom during the key moment in the birthing video; repeatedly telling us to pet our dogs, not our dates; insisting that a hard-boiled egg and bagel made the perfect breakfast; not once explaining the capabilities of the mighty clitoris; and being such a mean bitch in general. Blowing cigarette smoke in your face in the parking lot of Montgomery Ward is one of my happiest memories. Ahh. I feel much better now.