I figured Chris wouldn't mind my sharing this. It's long, but worth it. (If you're not already getting [link|http://www.rageboy.com/|EGR] you should.)


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Gonzo Marketing: Winning through Worst Practices

[link|http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738204080/entropygradientr|[link|http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738204080/entropygradientr|http://www.amazon.c...opygradientr]]

[link|http://www.gonzomarkets.com|[link|http://www.gonzomarkets.com|http://www.gonzomarkets.com]]

[link|http://www.rageboy.com/blogger.html|[link|http://www.rageboy.com/blogger.html|http://www.rageboy.com/blogger.html]]
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I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be *left* alone.' There is all the difference.

              Greta Garbo


There must be some word today
From my girlfriend so far away...

              beatles / mr. postman



Valued Readers:

I could really use your help this time. And no, it won't cost you anything, you cheap bastards. I come to ask a highly personal favor.

You know Laurie, right? If you don't, she is someone very dear to me. Her site is here: [link|http://www.lauriedoctor.com|[link|http://www.lauriedoctor.com|http://www.lauriedoctor.com]]

Long story short, I found that site one night two years ago after not having seen her up-close-and-personal since 1981. We've been together again for the past two years.

We were, that is, until I was very VERY mean to her a couple weeks ago. Now she's gone and she won't come back. I mean, I was BAD. Even meaner than I've ever been to you. I don't know all your tender spots, so you've been spared what she got. Also, I don't love you. Well, yes, of course I love you, but not the same way. You know what I mean. Anyway, I accused her of all kinds of awful things, called her names and hurled many cheap snappy comments at her. All because I love her, naturally.

And naturally, she now thinks I can't be trusted. She says I have done this before. And she's right. She says I will do it again no matter what. I say no, no, baby, I will treat you good, honest. I will be so nice to you from now on you won't believe what a cool guy I am. You will be happy!

I also said if she would give me one more chance, I would do anything. Give up smoking, quit drinking coffee, learn Greek, join a health spa. But nothing has worked. I know how pathetic I must sound begging. I don't care.

I am sad. I miss her.

And I'm in that kind of situation a lot of men find themselves in these days. Not a lot of close personal friends to turn to. I've basically wasted my life online, as you know, and now I am paying the price. I was shaving the other day and I thought: I'm 54 years old and what have I got to show for it? A joke persona on the Internet, that's what. In my present circumstances, that thought depressed me more than anything.

Then tonight as I was sitting here concentrating on my breathing so I wouldn't forget to keep doing it, I got this note from Jeneane Sessum of Blog Sisters:

What can I do to bring you back? a new book? pack of fancy cigs? fifty lashes? What? Just name it. I'll send it. It's too quiet around here without your voice. I'm starting to hear an echo.

In your corner,
jeneane

She sent this note because I have been pretty much missing in action since all this badness began. My professional work is shot to hell; I can't even scoff at the Fortune 500. I replied to Jeneane:

you could tell Laurie I really do love her and I'm not a dangerous madman. not sure if it would do any good at this point, but I sure wish I did have a couple sisters in my court. things have been rough.

And Jeneane wrote back...

My poor friend. I'm so sorry. How could she read what you write and not know how painfully much you love her, and not know that passion like that swings just as hard the other way?

I would be happy to shout professions of your sanity and benevolence to Laurie from the rooftop if you thought it would help. Just let me know.

Thanks, Jeneane, I needed that. And then... and then a slightly crazy, or perhaps entirely crazy, idea started growing in the back of my mind, like a small turnip. I began to think, hey wait! Maybe I *haven't* really wasted my life! (I can be inappropriately optimistic at times like this.) Maybe I can... why of course, that's it! I'll enlist the help of The <exultant bugle flourish> EGR Irregulars!!!

However, I saw several problems with this plan right away. First, benevolent is hard enough, but who's going to believe I'm *sane*? That's really a stretch. Laurie knows me too well. Second, she might not LIKE getting thousands of emails from people she doesn't know. There's no accounting for taste, so I have to consider that that's a real possibility. And third, worst of all, this could blow up in my face, convincing her beyond any doubt that she wants nothing more to do with me.

We had a serious talk recently about grandiosity. I was looking at her chest, so I didn't catch the whole thing, but I think she was saying maybe I should calm down a little and stop being such a flamboyant romantic, like Mario Lanza off tilting at windmills.

So maybe she'd see this like some guy named Vinnie hiring the Goodyear blimp to tow one of those signs over Brooklyn saying LORRAINE PLEASE COME HOME! I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A JERK. Now *that* is grandiose. But precisely because it is, sometimes it hits the NY POST or something and all Lorraine's friends see it at the checkout stand or in the beauty parlor and they call her up and say "Lorraine, the guy's a hopeless loser, yes, I know, but looka here in the paper, Lorraine! The schmuck really loves you!" By the end of the day, Vinnie and Lorraine reunite in Grand Central Station and there's not a dry eye in the house. Might make a good Sopranos segment, if Vinnie didn't get whacked on the way out. I dunno. I'm torn. One one hand, this is a very private matter, no joke. There is a lot of serious pain and sorrow going on here. On the other hand, sometimes the heart of the people brings a strangely powerful alchemy to events. And I like the Vinnies of the world, for going to any lengths, for not giving up.

OK, I decide. I'll do it.

But first, I have to tell you something important. Laurie, to whom I have been so beastly, has not returned my angry words. Instead, she has been kind and caring and gentle. Really. She just won't see me anymore is all. So, if you write to her -- which is, btw, what I'm asking you to do; did I forget to say that? -- PLEASE PLESAE PLESE be nice. Seriously. Otherwise, you will be hurting my already nanoscopic chances.

As I know that many of you have not learned to write yet, but can only cut-and-paste, here's a sample letter you can either modify to suit or send as is to [link|mailto:laurie@lauriedoctor.com|mailto:laurie@lauriedoctor.com]

Dear Laurie,

You don't know me, but RageBoy asked me to send this mail to cheer you up. He says you've been blue lately because he was such a prick. Please don't let this get you down. He is a right bastard, that's for sure, but he has a good heart. And he promises never to be mean to you anymore ever if you'll just give him one more chance. He will even learn Greek, he says, which is a little weird, but I think that's just his way. Maybe you could get him to swap the Greek thing for something more practical, like some new shoes.

Also, he says he wants you to know that even if you won't come back, he wants you to be happy. Don't cry. He only wants what is best for you and isn't doing this just so he can get you to make him breakfast and rub his feet.

Signed,
[Your Name Here]
Proud to be an EGR Irregular

I don't know if this will do any good, but maybe if she gets a whole boatload of mail saying that I really love her, really care, she'll at least smile a little. That would be good.

This has got to be the ultimate Hail Mary pass in the world's lostest cause. But hey, that's what we're good at, right? We are the champions of the world. Go team!!! Help me send the most important message of my life: "Woman, get your ass back over here!"

Really, thanks.

Mario & Vinnie


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