The Chili Judge

Post #31,623 by Silverlock 3/11/02 11:28:34 AM Reply	The Chili Judge These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event." ***Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusingkick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? Youcould remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. *Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. *Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. *Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. *Chili # 5: Linda's Lethal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! *Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight-pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! **Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried abouy Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full oflava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. *Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) With this much manure around, there must** be a pony somewhere.
Post #31,711 by nking 3/11/02 5:17:45 PM Reply	That takes me back to my old College Faternity days, one of the actives (I was a pledge) asked me to make the hottest nachoes that I could. He claimed that in Texas they were very hot, and nobody could make them hot enough for him. So I saw that the Jalapeno jar had more juice in it than peppers, so I got the powdered nacho cheese and use the jalapeno juice instead of water for it. I mixed in about half a jar of chili powder (My grandfather, whom I and my father were named after, used to use a whole jar of chili powder in his chili), some more of that jalapeno juice to make it runny enough, and whatever hot sauce 9Crystal I think?) I could find. I mixed it all up, and tried a sample. It was hot, really hot, even with my sinuses stuffed up, it cleared them open and I was able to breathe through my nose again. Anyway, he came back, and tried a few, and then told me they aren't hot enough, then he went to drink some milk or something. I could see from his face that they were indeed hot, I called them Lava Nachoes, Missouri style. :) "Will work for fair salary and benefits, seeking company with integrity."
Post #31,734 by wharris2 3/11/02 7:52:45 PM Reply	Ah, yes, good old Willy Chili A group of people where I used to work would hold a Chili/Halloween party. I always had to tone down my Willy Chili for the poor people; I think rather than using three blended-up habaneros, I substituted cayenne instead. Never had quite the same kick, but people still always seemed afraid to indulge in it. (The "real" recipe also had cayenne in it; the cayenne for the up-front burn, the habanero for the delayed burn.) What's sad is that of the first ten sites uncovered by Google, only one actually referred to the cayenne pepper - there was a communications company, something about the islands, and some other miscellany. Where each demon is slain, more hate is raised, yet hate unchecked also multiplies. - L. E. Modesitt
Post #31,749 by nking 3/11/02 8:49:59 PM Reply	Habenaro Pepper One of our friends, Ed, had a Thanksgiving party and me and my two brothers were invited. My brother Gary drove me there, and my other brother Steven was on his way. Ed told me that if I ate the Habenaro pepper he would pay me $20USD, but I declinded. He then offered my brother Gary the $20USD, and Gary ate the pepper. Then he went to grab the soda and Ed interrupted "Don't drink that, it will only make it worse." then he gave Gary some bread, and then some Milk. Then Steven arrived, Ed offered him $20USD to eat the other pepper. He did, and after he did, Ed told Gary "See Steven's face? That is what you looked like fifteen minutes ago!" Then Steven ate the rest of the bread and drank the rest of the milk. Ed paid them both $20USD and asked them if it was worth it to suffer for the money? They both answered "No". Later on both Steven and Gary had ulcers and Ed felt bad about it. I knew Ed, and I knew that if he was going to pay me to eat a pepper that it must be really really hot, like the hottest in the world. "Will work for fair salary and benefits, seeking company with integrity."
Post #31,770 by Silverlock 3/11/02 11:34:44 PM Reply	Suggestion for new signature I am the master of my own fate. Use it, believe it, work it. With this much manure around, there must be a pony somewhere.
Post #31,785 by wharris2 3/12/02 2:15:52 AM Reply	Peppers and ulcers As far as can be determined, peppers don't (by themselves) cause ulcers. And may even be a treatment, at least according to [link\|http://mn.essortment.com/pepticulcerdis_rzqe.htm\|this page]. Cayenne pepper capsules however, are a time honored treatment for ulcers in Europe. Cayenne works at rebuilding damage stomach linings and increases the stomach's production of mucus. Take up to 3, 450-mg. tablets with food and a glass of water daily. Of course you can "prove" anything with what you find on the web nowdays, but I've seen other sources that say (at least with cayenne peppers) that it does not hurt and may help stomach/intestinal problems. I would think that if someone has open bleeding ulcers in their intestinal tract, pretty much anything (peppers, rice, milk, grass, sand) would be harmful. Where each demon is slain, more hate is raised, yet hate unchecked also multiplies. - L. E. Modesitt

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