in [link|http://www.salon.com/ent/iltw/2006/11/26/thanks/?source=newsletter| Salon], natch.

I Like to Watch

Time to give thanks for a nation of spoiled babies, gibbering publicists and miniature Gordon Gekkos! Plus: Reliving the joys of "Match Game."

By Heather Havrilesky,/small>


Nov. 26, 2006 | Inconvenient truthiness

This Thanksgiving weekend, we have so much to be thankful for. Yes, it is a time of great upheaval, but make no mistake, my friends: Freedom is still on the march!

In fact, as you were sleeping last night, freedom continued to march tirelessly past the day spas and Pilates studios and adorable high-end baby boutiques of Mosul, and past the cute bistros and nail salons and gourmet cheese shops of Basrah. The freedom-hating media may keep chattering about car bombs, but the well-rested, spiritually centered citizens of Baghdad are far more interested in bath bombs -- and linen bedding and cashmere socks and mango-raspberry smoothies! They know better than anyone that the free market will overcome any obstacle, whether it be crabby liberal naysayers or several dozen rounds of artillery fire outside of Baghdad's only functioning ATM machine.

If freedom weren't sallying forth, undaunted, how else would consumer-appointed royalty like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes fly off to Italy to take part in a big, splashy explosion of designer matrimony, a carefully marketed ceremony just public enough to be well-documented and just clandestine enough to qualify as "exclusive"? But will the happy couple stop by Ethiopia or Malawi on the way home to pick up a celebratory orphan or two? After all, third-world infants have recently nudged past diamond solitaire necklaces as the honeymoon gift of choice among celebrities.

Either way, the free exchange of goods and services will never be cast asunder! Just as the Indians brought us maize and vast, fruitful lands for us to pave over, and we gave them measles, flu and small pox in return, today we bring the world's international peoples our delicious coffee drinks and our antibacterial disposable wipes, and they bring us their spicy foods, their handmade tchotchkes and their adorable orphan children for our self-important, humorless celebrities to adopt. Win-win!

In short, it's foolish to ask if freedom still marches on. Aren't virgin forests still being leveled? Aren't wide-eyed baby seals still being bludgeoned to death? Aren't we still in the same energy crisis we were in 30 years ago? The high of high capitalism never fades, and freedom will never die. In fact, it's likely to outlive most of us -- or at least those of us without the monetary resources to casually burn through untold natural resources while untold millions suffer and die.

It's a small world after all

Good times! For a little preview of the sorts of people who might be suffering and dying while you're on the phone ordering green curry chicken from the charming little international peoples down the road, tune in for "The Amazing Race" (9 p.m. Sundays on CBS). You know when the show's contestants fly off to vivacious little countries like "Madagascar" and "India"? Well, those people walking along the sides of the roads, barefooted, carrying stuff on their heads instead of, say, in their leather messenger bags or in the trunks of their SUVs? Those are the kinds of people we're talking about.

No matter. What we really care about are the self-centered, pushy Americans, dashing around insulting each other in pursuit of that million-dollar prize. This season, there have been even more teary breakdowns and angry exchanges than usual, thanks to the fact that the producers decided to make this the most torturous race ever.

Next page: A friend in greed...
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A friend in greed is a friend indeed

Speaking of living the good life, you really must check out INHD's "Wall Street Warriors" (9 p.m. Wednesdays) -- that is, if you can figure out what INHD is. According to the press release I received, it's "the most widely distributed suite of HD networks on cable," one that features "high profile professional and college sports, movies, music and big events" and also original programming, which the people at INHD refer to as "MOJO." Confused? You shouldn't be, since the press release plainly states that "MOJO" is "a new genre especially geared to the multi-faceted lives of the affluent and discerning 'MOJO Man' who comprises most of the upscale hi-def audience."

Ah, of course. It's so simple! MOJO is a new genre custom-made for MOJO men, and INHD is a really sweet suite. What would we do without publicists to explain everything to us in simple language?

Clearly there's no need to describe the actual product you're creating, when all that's important is describing the rich people who you can imagine buying your product -- not just buying it, of course, but identifying themselves with it. Wall Street works the same way. Instead of hearing about products and services and their usefulness to the general public, analysts and traders stare at numbers and charts all day long and try to predict how the numbers will react to other people's reactions to random data like the weather and the terror alert level and the type of pasta served at TomKat's Italian castle wedding extravaganza.

Next page: Blank you money

And so it goes.. through the miracle of instant communications. No place to hide.. yup These are Muricans just doin what Muricans Do, for want of anything like a Real liff. And now: just everyone Knows! {sob} Instantly.