You're not getting off the hook so easy with me.

Post #259,441 by bionerd 6/20/06 8:20:10 AM Reply	You're not getting off the hook so easy with me. First, I think it's great that you are making support payments. Raising children is expensive, and like it or not, this is YOUR daughter. You may not have wanted her. You may not have planned her. You may not have had any say in the fact that she was born instead of aborted, but this child is YOUR daughter. If not for you, she wouldnt be here. This girl is 15 years old. Her job at this age is to develop autonomy and figure out who she is. But she cant do that because half of the puzzle pieces are missing. She isnt asking you to come to her birthday parties or take pictures of her in her prom dress or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. Nobody is asking you to be a parent. All she wants is to learn a little bit more about you so she can figure out who she is. It's not really about you at all. It's about her. You're being awfully selfish. And cold. Follow your MOUSE
Post #259,448 by drewk 6/20/06 9:09:10 AM Reply	Nature vs. nurture All she wants is to learn a little bit more about you so she can figure out who she is. I don't buy this line of reasoning. But then I'm the kind of guy who only remembers he's half Irish for one day every March. I know people whose whole lives revolve around their "Irish heritage". People who have never left Ohio and couldn't tell you the last time they were more than an hour from Cleveland. I don't believe you are who your ancestors were. You are who the people who raised you helped you to be, and who you chose as an adult to make yourself. Thinking you have to know who your father was in order to know yourself is the first step toward thinking you know who someone else is based on who their parents were. I think they call that racism. Sorry if this comes off as harsh. Maybe I'd be more sympathetic to the importance of good breeding if I didn't see what an insurmountable barrier it is to those of us who don't have it. === Purveyor of Doc Hope's [link\|http://DocHope.com\|fresh-baked dog biscuits and pet treats]. [link\|http://DocHope.com\|http://DocHope.com]
Post #259,477 by ben_tilly 6/20/06 2:38:17 PM Reply	No, Laura's got a point As someone who grew up without my father, who met siblings for the first time when I was an adult, I have to say that knowing who your family is really helps you figure out who you are. Biology is not destiny. But seeing how pieces of your biology worked out under different circumstances really is valuable. That said, while connecting with the father would be likely to help the daughter, I'm not so sure that the father owes that to a stranger he never wanted in his life. I suspect that if he could bring himself to do it, it would be good for him to find out what he's been paying for over the years. But it would only be good if he was able to connect. And that can't be forced. Cheers, Ben The great masses of people ... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. -- Adolf Hitler
Post #259,452 by Another Scott 6/20/06 10:10:59 AM Reply	On the other hand... Reread the first post. Especially this bit: As a matter of fact, I believe that if I had actually wanted any parental contact over these past 15 years, I would have had to go to court to get them. Understanding that we're only getting one side, there seems to have been contact issues on both sides. bionerd writes: All she wants is to learn a little bit more about you so she can figure out who she is. It's not really about you at all. It's about her. If that's all it's about, then a better way would have been for his daughter to contact him herself. That likely wouldn't have worked either, I'm guessing, but there might have been less baggage with that attempt. I have trouble taking the mother's comments at face value on this issue. (But I'm taking his with a grain of salt as well.) As I implied earlier, I understand his frustration, but I don't think that he's handled it very well. Like it or not, she's his. It's not the daughter's fault that she's here. Presumably he was tricked; that's unfortunate, but that's the way it goes. It's good he's paid support, but he should do more for her now. Answering some e-mails or maybe meeting her for lunch wouldn't be a big hardship for him. (He can insist on it being a one-time meeting if he wants.) In other words, sometimes you get dealt a bad hand. How you play it shows the world, and yourself, your character. FWIW. Cheers, Scott.

Welcome to IWETHEY!