How about a TCP Offload Engine?
There was a couple I found that were Linux only, but only one was available. Ping Barry about the hardware, I think he actually got one.
It might improve you connection success ratio, also make your idle connections a might bit more wantable... by jerri-engineering about the TCPOE with regard to connections and all that.
A small amount of money on hardware might just avoid the political firestorm.