Post #229,619
10/15/05 3:30:50 AM
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Stress Time Bomb
I feel it ticking inside me like an ominous warning.
Anger flooding through my veins, turning them to hot fire... fire that burns its way inexorably through my body and leaves me a blackened smoking husk inside.
The anger was welcome, it fed my fury, it soothed my torment and it diverted the shitstorm of verbal-tongue daggers that was in force.... But it was out of control... it wanted to destroy... to savage... it wanted to pound into nothingness the dammed demons that persecuted me from all around.... to demolish the instruments of their reception to...make it all go AWAY.....to end.
And all the while the vicious perpetrator of all that damns human speech and condemns individuality sits and wreaks her damage unhindered..... And my shields.... they fail under the horrific onslaught of syllables. They fail... my strength is gone... I can't fight anymore. I want to admit defeat, to run, to hide, to surrender..... but to what?
Sleep doesn't come now, only nightmares... torments in all directions, most everything I do, I now dread... most everything is confused, lost in a swirling torment of pain and anguish and such frustration that the dark-side unleashed almost feels welcome.
Where, oh where did I go wrong? What did I fuck up? How did I unbalance it all yet again? But I DIDN'T! It was her... it was that Grammar Gargoyle with the poisoned arrowed speech that destroyed things... it was that which shook everyone from their moorings... hinging on dangerous levels of actual life and death issues.... and all for WHAT?
All just because a few beings who were spawned from the same cesspool of humanity and spread throughout the earth want to come together in a ritual celebration of their roots???? I'd rather spend time with TREES, at least they are SILENT!
It hurts to breathe... it hurts to think... it even hurts to do nothing.... simply nothing. I feel trapped, trapped in an endless sea of words and sentences that continue to make no sense.. they blur together into a sea of chaos, drowning me as I struggle to rise above them to call out to say STOP..... NO MORE! BE STILL!!!!!
I've cried until I don't know how to stop crying... I've exhausted every resource I have trying to explain, trying to amend, trying to fix... to hold it all together... the good of the many, remember that fucking line? Sacrifice the good of the few... or the one, in this case, me,... for the many.
But if the many only KNEW...... if they only had a clue what fractures have been wrought among the relationships of some of those root-related individuals... if they only sensed the anguish, the pain, the physical danger of health issues all being accelerated by this...... no one would want it... or would they???
Would they even fucking care? Would they care if one of us had a stroke, or a heart attack, or a complete meltdown? Would they still trill for their selfish wants and needs.... would they push anyway? I wish I knew... I wish I knew so that I could flee this hell I find myself trapped in.
No unity is worth this. No fucking RITUAL is worth this... I've already been in the depths of hell and back, I was in the darkness of the depression dungeon before, I barely crawled out of there the FIRST time.... I CAN'T go back, I can't...I wont....
I'm so tired. All my safe havens are no longer safe other than this one.. this forum, this board... I can't even speak freely in my own group anymore, for fear of giving someone a stroke, or pissing someone off... I can't vent, I can't express, and I can't... simply BE ME!
Defeated... I am. Surrender, I would....
if only there were someone to accept it.
Please... God, the Force, anything, please... find me the answers?
Nightowl >8#
"I'll rock the darn boat all I want to, and if it's meant to stay afloat, then it will. If not, then we'll just all go down with the bloody ship!"
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Post #229,623
10/15/05 7:22:20 AM
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Bravo!
Eloquently stated
Could apply to myriad 'families' - especially in repressive, Authoritarian Puritan-based cultures. (Though that's not essential - it sure Helps.)
AH - the Anger. Good, burns out the festerin pustules (Nice Girls don't get 'angry' - they said.)
Those are ALL Good Questions, IMhO and the fact that they are so rarely Asked - well, see above. It's cathartic though, ever to scrounge up the words, line them up in some order and ... Say Them! (No ??)
There's nothing Quite as exhausting as trying to parry the poly-syllabic thrusts of one or more practised Control Freaks: trying to reprogram your psyche, so you will next be ... *complaisant
* accommodating, compliant, deferential, obliging, submissive
And while you are in this freshly-clear-headed State, you have a (rare) opportunity: that of not needing to go through this process again - at least not with This Group (and.. if you 'Remember Yourself' - maybe not with any sub-group or, any new set.)
Think about it (all.)
And notice how, even hints of such Questions arising-inside, ~~
[Who the Fuck ARE these people I just wasted a perfectly fine autumn weekend - pretending 'solidarity' with?]
-let alone the next Question-
[Why The Fuck should I *ever* put self in this position, again ??]
--> are so instantly suppressed: usually with some High School psych doggerel tape running inside the jelloware ~
B-B-but they are FAMILY! I. Must.
Right?
So then: congrats!
It might have been You whom you found to be "at fault"; buffering the situation to absolve self of blame! (did I mention, yada yada?)
Endless possibilities for new suffering, there.
I'd suggest only: that you relish the sense of Freedom - for as long as it takes to be really sure: that you Do much prefer life without this "intricate, time-wasting repetitive burdenyoucan'tescape-ever."
When you're Sure you prefer all that free time and free emotional space for New Stuff- More?
Ah Then:
You can take your time (so as to make it short, get it down to a pithy al-punte message) and maybe USPS Mail it. Or: a couple variations? - for those who don't speak the same grade of English as yours.
It could be as complex as, You can't fire me - I quit. Maybe in a year or so, we can talk. If not - it can't be helped. Bye.
Or as simple as: For now: Goodbye.
(You need not 'explain' Anything. You 'Owe' - nothing. It matters not what 'they' expect. Really, it doesn't - and besides, explanations Never work in such inbred situations, with years of Expectations.)
So then, while deciding - why not celebrate? Let the Freedom settle in.
You'll find you have lots more energy than you've seen in years.
Hint: these scenarios have happened before. (Betcha Laura can fill in any blanks..)
HTH,
A.
Been there. Said goodbye. It was Good. (It is still Good.)
Oh: You are Not Spock!
You DON'T have to stand next to the Meta-hydronium matter-antimatter reactor @ 20,000 Rads/Hr. and Die-[psychically]
That's only in movies (and in family Traditions.)
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Post #229,632
10/15/05 10:01:43 AM
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Ah, fall the time of year that all scorpio's look to destroy
someone or something. The Joy of self immolating as long as a cherished enemy goes down with you. I see that you are one of the rare breed that attacks self instead of perceived assholic others. Enjoy the fall and long suffering partners will recognise the symptoms and wait sufferingly for Mid december when it all goes away.
Get em girl.
thanx,
bill
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,634
10/15/05 10:12:43 AM
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Where's Bob the Angry Flower...?
Oh, right [link|http://z.iwethey.org/forums/render/content/show?contentid=229435|here].
Cheers,
Scott.
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Post #229,635
10/15/05 10:20:09 AM
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bobs right next to neil
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,664
10/15/05 6:11:01 PM
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Yup, astrology's just soo much superstition..
..except when its 'behavior predictions' (every so often) just happen to trump mega-word psych treatises.
Now about them Scorpio females, and in October!.. Cases 1, 3, 4, and 5; here's what I finally Learned -
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Post #229,694
10/16/05 12:33:32 AM
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When does that happen, then?
About one time in 12, or thereabouts?
Blimey!
Peter
[link|http://www.no2id.net/|Don't Let The Terrorists Win]
[link|http://www.kuro5hin.org|There is no K5 Cabal]
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Post #229,723
10/16/05 12:09:08 PM
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one in 12*2/4
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,724
10/16/05 12:36:40 PM
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One in six?
Those planets are directing my fate AS WE SPEAK!
Peter
[link|http://www.no2id.net/|Don't Let The Terrorists Win]
[link|http://www.kuro5hin.org|There is no K5 Cabal]
[link|http://guildenstern.dyndns.org|Home]
Use P2P for legitimate purposes!
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Post #229,736
10/16/05 5:54:28 PM
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sure, next time you on on the M1 in heavy traffic
look into the sky to see what planet is in acendance, then tell me if they have an effect :-)
thanx,
bill
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,771
10/16/05 11:25:32 PM
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Try really hard..
to see that, while the relationship If-Any, as in -???- twixt some exact birth moment and, your Proclivities? need not be Objectively True (as-if we'd recognize an Objective Truth if it bit us on an arse with 3-cheeks.)
Nor (whatever the fate of the above origins, in intellectual-space) - can anyone take very seriously the 'predictions' of future events - as sells all those Tabloids and, if you're Nancy Reagan.. may guide your hubby's decisions about tax breaks as she misses evaluating? the character of certain shady anti-Constitutional Marines.
Noooo - try very hard only to note: that there is very much observational data across the centuries as tends to "group people" / as with Cocker Spaniels re other breeds, according to behavioral frequencies. That the above may have been the postulate is incidental: observations are 'data'. Then we evaluate: how often are these characterizations right-on as opposed to, er No-Way!
(Think about Freud's cowardice in modifying his original, tabulated observations of the %sexual-abuse of girls. Then, on nearly being voted-out of the local Psych Ruling Junta, for daring to promulgate his 'stats': his 'theory' morphed into: "an unnatural [Hah] lusting-after Daddy", etc. Coward.) Then there are the Doctors - laughing at the idea of washing hands; for the Longest time after it was suggested Why / killing lots of pregnant women, etc. But I digress to orthodox 'scientific methods'.
Stripped of the problem of vetting of algorithmic origins? and (all the silly stuff) - I'd aver that 20th century psych is no more agile/accurate in *its* generalizations - depending on which of 100 of those Schools you favor - than is Astrology, even though there remain as many %charlatan 'astrologers' as MDs, politicos, priests and scholars.
ie the 'Something' that there appears to be 'To It' resides only in the method's ability to 'predict' certain behaviours [not events!] - if. it. does. do. that. Alas, as regards every one of (the few) persons each one of us has actually met: are these a fair stat sample of millions, or not? Ergo -
*I Predict*
-- there will never arise The One True Blog which settles definitively, the Yes/No decision on this question of 'accuracy'/ utility via alleged stats yet collected (and by whom?).
(It would be distinctly unFashionable to request a Grant, in '05 for such research, I aver. As in most eras.)
We really don't *know* Shit about the human psyche, now do we? (Even with Astrology's assistance ;-) Remember Freud: that's the stuff of our putative 'knowledge'.
Meanwhile, bon appetit, you Scorpio-or-something ~ with Nintendo in retrograde (?)
:-\ufffd
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Post #229,773
10/17/05 12:00:24 AM
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Peter is a Librul, erm that is a Libra!
I predict he celebrates his birthdays between September 23 and October 22.
Alex
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -- Bertrand Russell
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Post #229,831
10/17/05 12:40:37 PM
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Ah, he a perv that steals
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,777
10/17/05 12:24:02 AM
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*nnngh*
OK, I tried.
It's still bollocks.
Peter
[link|http://www.no2id.net/|Don't Let The Terrorists Win]
[link|http://www.kuro5hin.org|There is no K5 Cabal]
[link|http://guildenstern.dyndns.org|Home]
Use P2P for legitimate purposes!
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Post #229,790
10/17/05 3:04:44 AM
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Don't forget to wear a crystal necklace, while you're at it.
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Post #229,797
10/17/05 5:06:12 AM
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Azatoth forgives
first. Then eats.
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Post #229,844
10/17/05 3:31:33 PM
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Well, that explains something.
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Post #229,856
10/17/05 4:30:36 PM
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yup and I wonder how Beep's fall is coming along
me I recognise the urge and have managed to skirt the mayhem that usually happens around this time by supressing my urge to TEAR THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKER APART!
Things will look better in January.
thanx,
bill
"the reason people don't buy conspiracy theories is that they think conspiracy means everyone is on the same program. Thats not how it works. Everybody has a different program. They just all want the same guy dead. Socrates was a gadfly, but I bet he took time out to screw somebodies wife" Gus Vitelli
Any opinions expressed by me are mine alone, posted from my home computer, on my own time as a free american and do not reflect the opinions of any person or company that I have had professional relations with in the past 49 years. meep
questions, help? [link|mailto:pappas@catholic.org|email pappas at catholic.org]
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Post #229,879
10/17/05 5:40:08 PM
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Just dandy thanks.
I've yet to chew any heads off....but my time is coming.
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over. Fudd's First Law of Opposition
[link|mailto:bepatient@aol.com|BePatient]
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Post #229,639
10/15/05 10:55:26 AM
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Bail
Fuck'em.
Do it in dramatic way, so that they never try to suck you back in again.
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Post #229,693
10/16/05 12:22:27 AM
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I have no mouth...
and I must scream. Title of a [link|http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/classics/classics_archive/ellison/ellison1.html|short story] by [link|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harlan_Ellison|Harlan Ellison]. An amazing writer (note, not an author, he said so). I think you'd enjoy his work. He writes with passion, insight and intensity.
You seem to have some potential as a writer. Practice. Put your demons on paper. Give them names, give them circumstances, give them things to do. Everything but control. You retain that... and see what happens.
Have fun,
Carl Forde
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Post #229,698
10/16/05 1:09:23 AM
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Re: I have no mouth...
and I must scream. Title of a [link|http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/classics/classics_archive/ellison/ellison1.html|short story] by [link|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harlan_Ellison|Harlan Ellison]. An amazing writer (note, not an author, he said so). I think you'd enjoy his work. He writes with passion, insight and intensity. You seem to have some potential as a writer. Practice. Put your demons on paper. Give them names, give them circumstances, give them things to do. Everything but control. You retain that... and see what happens. I think I've heard of that. :) I would hope I have *some* potential as a writer, hehee. My Associates' Degree is in Creative Writing. I just haven't allowed that part of me out to play very often lately, I guess. Not trying to sound egotistical though. I used to write like that all the time, especially when I was depressed, suicidal and downtrodden... But when I'm upbeat and happy, I don't seem to need it as much, I seem to only resort to it when things are grim. I already decided some time ago, that I didn't want the stresses (deadlines, editing, rewrites), of being a novelist, not sure where else it could lead though. I wrote novels though, unpublished, and I wrote short stories, but all were... rather dark side... to say the least. I still have them all, and one was actually published, one poem, one of the more bizarre things I ever wrote, and someone bought it... a sci fi magazine. I appreciate everyone's comments. I finally told both Katie and mom how bad I'm feeling, and they seem to be planning to step up to the plate and stop Ria from her behavior if I stay on the committee. Katie already confronted her once today about it, and they gave me control back of my Yahoo group for the committee, and said I can handle her however I see fit. Light glows at the end of what seemed like an endless tunnel. I can't say it will work, or that another tunnel doesn't lie ahead, but it's a start, and that's more than I had yesterday. Sorry I'm not up for saying much else more tonight, I'm just so emotionally drained, I just want to find a way to sleep. Brenda
"I'll rock the darn boat all I want to, and if it's meant to stay afloat, then it will. If not, then we'll just all go down with the bloody ship!"
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Post #229,700
10/16/05 1:32:22 AM
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I'm boycotting Harlan Ellison
He and I do not exactly see eye to eye on copyright.
If he wishes to think that his fans are to be distrusted, then I'm willing to not be a fan of his. There are other good authors whom I don't have such disagreements with.
Cheers,
Ben
I have come to believe that idealism without discipline is a quick road to disaster, while discipline without idealism is pointless. -- Aaron Ward (my brother)
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Post #229,709
10/16/05 9:08:16 AM
10/16/05 9:10:47 AM
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I used to have that feeling about George Lucas
I submitted a short story to a contest at Lucasfilm, and in it I explored the background of Han Solo. This was long before the books about Han Solo had come out (even the earlier series).
Imagine my surprise when two of the names I had created for one of my characters suddenly became part of the Star Wars saga, and the backstory became almost parallel to mine.
Did he know this first? Did he get inspired to the same concept? I suppose he could have. I never explored the concept of who had earliest dated material with those names, scenarios. But I had also failed to realize that "all submissions became the property of Lucasfilm."
Aha.
Now I knew I had willingly "given" Lucas my ideas, just hadn't grasped what it meant when I did. such was a naive teenager writing in the 80's
Now instead of being bitter, I'm pleased that we had both found satisfaction with the same names and ideas... It's nice to be on that level with such greatness.
I don't know if I was ever a "good" writer, I just know I *am* a writer, I who am one, as Ashton would say. ;)
Brenda
"I'll rock the darn boat all I want to, and if it's meant to stay afloat, then it will. If not, then we'll just all go down with the bloody ship!"
Edited by Nightowl
Oct. 16, 2005, 09:10:47 AM EDT
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Post #229,718
10/16/05 11:22:57 AM
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Beautiful and eloquent writing aside
I read this and red flags were popping up all over the place. This sounds like something bigger than you can manage on your own. Have you gotten in to see someone? You need some relief from all this. The thing about depression is that we cant will it or wish it away, no matter how hard we try. If that worked, none of us would be depressed. But you know that.
All that anger you're carrying around has turned inward. There doesnt need to be anyone out there to accept it. You need to let it go.
Put yourself first and do what is necessary to take care of yourself. Do it now.
Laura
Follow your muse
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Post #229,728
10/16/05 2:59:52 PM
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I hear you, honest (new thread)
Created as new thread #229727 titled [link|/forums/render/content/show?contentid=229727|I hear you, honest]
"I'll rock the darn boat all I want to, and if it's meant to stay afloat, then it will. If not, then we'll just all go down with the bloody ship!"
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