time to rant
To Bob Jones, Pat Robertson, and James Dobson: Kneel down, shut up, and pray in a church closet somewhere. We'll come and get you when we need a "jesus jihad".
To John Ashcroft: Thanks for allowing security to pat down passengers' breasts at airports while protecting the breasts of statues in government lobbies. You can now go join the rest of your "jesus jihad" peers in a church closet.
To Tom DeLay: The law does apply to you even in Texas. Indictment is too good for you unless it sticks you in prison with a few Ashcroft detainees still waiting for their constitutional rights to visit. These detainees may want to practice a few terrorist techniques on you in the bunk bed.
To Arnold: Lose the accent. Wipe the girly-man Austrian grin from your face and sound like an American. The Greatest Generation defeated Austrian accents a long time ago.
To Giuliani: Go back to the comb over and your first wife if you want to win the GOP nomination for prez. GOP conservatives admire the illusions of the sanctimony of marriage and of hair on bald men. Gaining a few pounds won't hurt either.
To Laura Bush: Wipe the smile and make-up off your face. Are you afraid of looking like Barbara Bush? Is W too Oedipal for you?
To Barbara Bush: Parachute out of the plane with George next time. He can ride your cushiony butt down to the ground instead of risking another soldier's life. Soldiers are getting scarce these days.
To O'Reilly: Consider doing your show over your cell phone. It may finally be worth listening to although your wife may disagree.
To NASCAR: Go drive unarmored Humvees towards a checkered flag somewhere in Falluja.
To Cheney: Walk your gay daughter down the aisle in the Chapel of Bob Jones University and see how your pacemaker handles the reaction. You will not be greeted with flowers and celebration as you predicted for our troops in Iraq. Be ready for a church insurgency.
To the National Guard: How does it feel to be draftees? It's an experience your prez and v.p. have avoided.
To Condi: You have more trouble finding a guy than you have finding Osama. Well, the hair and the teeth may be the obvious answers but even Karl Rove found someone. US Senator Lindsey Graham is available although he may not be exactly interested if you know what I mean.
To the Moral Value Morons: Why couldn't you just stay home and pray for a W victory instead of actually voting? Don't you have faith in God's Will?
To Colin Powell: You should know by now that playing the good soldier to a fool commander can get you killed or greatly embarrassed at the UN.
To the Bush Daughters: Stop playing your dad in doublemint twin drag during his formative drunken days.
To Rush: You have proven that drugs can fight obesity although divorce is a side affect. Faith with prescription drugs ain't bad either.
To Rumsfeld: You are an American WMD that should be housed in Abu Graib.
To Zell: The Reagan strain of Alzheimer's got you good. Maybe the Georgia GOP will now name a few buildings and the Atlanta airport after you.
To W: Congrats! You are a role model to those who are inarticulate, incompetent, drunk, and bigoted. You have proven that they too can someday be president as long as they are rich, related to an ex-president, and believe in the baby jesus.
